Dreams, Dreams are fascinating things.

I don't think dreams really count until you can tell someone else about them. Waking up from an interesting dream is one of a handful of times I generally feel lonely. If there was a man in my bed I could wake him up and pester him with the details of my dream before they got away from me (why do we forget dreams so easily?). But since that is really the only reason to have a man in your bed (really, why else would you need one? If I had to share my bed I would not be able to lie diagonally across it like a savage animal), so that you can make him listen to every annoying thought that comes to your conscious and subconscious mind, I have decided to turn to social media to fill that void.

If you can summarize the main points of your dream in 140 characters or less, then I recommend Twitter as your outlet. I like my Twitter followers better than my Facebook friends. It is because I actually "know" them less. I like that it is completely appropriate for Twitter followers to be complete strangers, or at best, causal acquaintances. If I have a longer, more interesting dream then I might have to recount it on Facebook. But then I run the risk of high school frenemies judging me, or my Mamaw commenting on it (Sarah, you are such sweet girl. Call me sometime!)

There are always dreams that a respectable person cannot share withe masses. My bff Sarah gets to receive those via text message. OR there was the time I had a pregnancy dream about my baby sister that FELT SO REAL it prompted me to text her and apologize for not remembering to throw her a shower for her fake baby from my dream. (Yes, my guilt runs so deep that I feel the need to apologize for imaginary happenings).

The best dream I ever had was so good that it got a Facebook post, a tweet, and was a topic of conversation as many times as I could bear to introduce it. Once I had a dream that I was on a cruise ship. And Ellen DeGeneres was my Cruise Director. She wore a sailor hat and danced her way around the deck. I like to think, or at least hope, that this is more of a premonition and that one day, Ellen will dance herself into the hearts of hundreds of boat passengers. She is so fantastic.

You Can't Get To Heaven On Rollerskates (and other things we worry about too much)

The last few days I have had a case of swirley-head. It has given me focus-issues. My head started swirling and when that happens my mouth does not work. And today I got the overwhelming need to sit -here, at my laptop --thanks Ross ;) -- and type some stuff out.

Last night at club we had Doubt night and ended up having a huge conversation about heaven and hell. At one point the kids were talking and feeding off one another, and I couldn't even remember what we'd started talking about initially. And there were some good points, some great questions, and we didn't even scratch the surface of an answer to most of them. And I didn't have a lot to say and I didn't feel like I could contribute very much to conversation.

I'm going to be honest. I don't spend much of my time thinking about Heaven and Hell. Okay, I spend none of my time thinking about Heaven and Hell. With the exception, I guess, of right now.

I've been a follower of Christ since I was nine years old. And I have run away from God and tried to do my own thing once or twice or 100 times, but I never doubted my salvation. The power of the Cross is that there is no question in it. The Cross is perfect, infallible... choosing the Cross is the only decision on this Earth that is fail-safe. God's promise that he made to His people is everlasting and true. He will never quit you. Nothing can separate me from the love of God through Christ. Nothing.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

The thing I'm most concerned about with my faith, with regard to other's salvation, is that I'm making the best of the new life Christ's death and resurrection has given me. Its not just about the life I'm going to live when I'm no longer on this Earth. In Paul's letter to the Corinthians, he says that any one who is in Christ is a new creation. Christ came to revolutionize the way we love God, the way we love ourselves and the way we love one another. Matt touched on that last night at club when he said Jesus' life, death and resurrection was about reconciling the entire world with God.

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation --2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus had a plan to reconcile this world with God, and to bring his Kingdom to Earth. I think our main question, as Christ-followers, should be this--am I doing my part to see that His will is done? Jesus' gift of life to you is about heaven, but it is also, MOST EMPHATICALLY about how you are given a chance to live a new, better life in the here and now. And to me, that is what the Christian life is about. Figuring out how to live our lives for him right now. In every moment. Learning to love God more and more with every part of ourselves. I don't follow Christ because I'm afraid of Hell. I follow Christ because he loves me, and he has a better way for me.

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. -- Micah 6:8

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple - Psalm 27:4

I think that a lot of us wish there was something that we could do to deserve the love of God. If we ask him to forgive us enough, if we got to church enough times in one week, if we do kind things for enough people, we can become somewhat deserving of our salvation. God's followers in the Old Testament lived their entire lives doing things in order to be able to come to the Lord. They had to wear certain clothes, they had to hang scripture from their doorways, they had to sacrifice animals, rub oil on their heads, and a lot of other weird stuff. And they had to keep continually coming to God for forgiveness. There was no resolution, no absolution, no freedom in it.

But Jesus came to make a better way for us. God showed that his love for his people was so great that he sacrificed his only son so that we get a chance to live our lives free from sin--the thing that separated us from God. The great thing about God's resolution is that now we have time to live our lives in response to his love.

I could keep going and going forever. That's just how much my CL students inspired me last night. You all are beautiful, and so smart and I see so much goodness in you. And all goodness comes from God. And I'm thankful He's given me the opportunity to have been a part of last night, and all the other great nights we've had with Campus Life.

To any CL students, if you ever need to talk, I'm here. :)

Thoughts on Easter

Early Sunday morning, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone was rolled aside from the entrance.
She ran and found Simon Peter and me (John) and said, "They have taken the Lord's body out of the tomb, and I don't know where thy have put him!"
We ran to the tomb to see; I outran Peter and got there first, and stooped and looked in and saw the linen cloth lying there, but I didn't go in. Then Simon Peter arrived and went on inside. He also noticed the cloth lying there, while the swath that had covered Jesus' head was rolled up in a bundle and was lying at the side. The I went in too, and saw, and believed [that he had risen]--for until then we hadn't realized that the Scriptures said he would come to life again! (John 20:1-9)

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That evening the disciples were meeting behind locked doors, in fear of the Jewish leaders, when suddenly Jesus was standing there among them! After greeting them, he showed them his hands and side। And how wonderful was their joy as they saw their Lord!

He spoke to them again and said "As the Father has sent me, even so I am sending you." Then he breathed on them and told them, "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone's sins, they are forgiven. If you refuse to forgive them, they are unforgiven." (John 20:19-23)

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This was the third time Jesus had appeared to us since his return from the dead.
After breakfast Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these others?"
"Yes," Peter replied, "You know I am your friend."
"Then feed my lambs," Jesus told him.
Jesus repeated the question: "Simon, son of John, do you really love me?"
"Yes, Lord," Peter said, "you know I am your friend."
"Then take care of my sheep," Jesus said.
Once more he asked him, "Simon, son of John, are you even my friend?"
Peter was grieved at the way Jesus asked the question this third time. "Lord, you know my heart; you know I am," he said.
Jesus said, "Then feed my little sheep. When you were young, you were able to do as you liked and go wherever you wanted to; but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands and others will direct you and take you where you don't want to go."
Jesus said this to let him know what kind of death he would die to glorify God. Then Jesus told him, "Follow me." (John 21:14-19)




I actually went to Easter service last night at my parents church. It was a really nice evening to connect with God, thank Him for the incredible gift, and think the about the inevitable question that comes to when I think of the resurrection. What does this really mean to me as a follower of Christ?

To quote my favorite movie Almost Famous, "To begin with, everything." Last night, Bill did talk about what the Resurrection meant to us. 1) No more fear of hell, or isolation from God. 2)Getting to see our loved ones for eternity. 3)That the messiah will return again, alive and well.

And I believe those three, basic truths--the cornerstones of my faith. Jesus' life, death and resurrection will forever the be the reason that my Christianity, my personal relationship with God exists and thrives. Without Christ, I would not have a reason to breathe, or love, or live a moment of my life. Without Christ I have nothing and I am nothing.

I have been a follower of Christ since I was nine years old. In our 16-year relationship, this been strained, of course, but he's never left me. I believe that once you ask Christ to dwell in your heart, there is no way of pushing him out completely. And believe me, I've done a decent job trying to do this. Because I would rather think that I had control over my own destiny then let God make my decisions for me.

It's lucky for me, I guess, that Jesus the man was the sort guy that I admire. Yes, reading his words inspire me because he's the Son of God, but I'm pretty sure that his life would have inspired me even if he were just like all the other inhabitants of this planet. Even if he were just a man born into this world, who would end up succumbing to the grave--just as we all will. Jesus' words were always backed by action, and he had this completely open heart and open mind for all of humanity--but especially for the oppressed and undervalued people in this world. And what just got to me last night, and what I think really comes to light the scripture I typed out from the end of the Gospel of John, were his priorities immediately after his Resurrection.

Jesus came to bring the Kingdom of God. And for a very long time, I have come to believe that this Kingdom is meant to be in the here and now. A King's people do his work. They represent him to the best of their ability and they intercede for him when he can't physically be there to carry out his plan and mission.

Christianity is not just about seeking lost souls and winning them for Heaven. Though it most definitely is a beautiful part of it. But I think what Christ focused on when he spoke with the disciples before his ascension was his concern that we would be here to carry on the amazing work he had been doing in his short time on Earth. Jesus came to restore our hearts, heal brokenness, teach us to love one another free from conditions. He taught us to be peacemakers, to worship God with our entire selves. To show a kind of devotion to God that makes any other kind of love look like hatred in comparison. Jesus came to start a revolution. He said, if you love me, you will share my passions for the poor, needy, sinful, dirty, hungry, thirsty people in this world. Jesus' philosophy of life was that it doesn't matter what you have, it only matters how you used it to help others and advance the Kingdom.

In my life, I have seen that the most effective way to spread Christ's hope, his story of life, resurrection and restoration, is through one-on-one personal relationships and people's stories. There is a reason that all Christ followers have a "testimonial," or story to tell. There is a reason the Bible is a bunch stories put together. We are built, has humans, to connect with each other and to relate with one another. When Jesus came back to his disciples, that what's he told them to do. He said, Your forgiveness can hold real power over people's lives, so forgive and love liberally. Make sure you are taking care of the people I'm leaving behind. Feed them- their bodies and their souls- so that when I come back I can take ALL of you, and the rest of humanity, with me.

I think that's what he meant when he said he was going to prepare a place for us. It was both a promise and a challenge.

Butler and the Goddard Way

I've seen a lot of basketball in my life. Started attending varsity boy's games in my mom's womb. My dad's passion for basketball has bled over into our family life, as anyone who has come in contact with us knows already.

And being from Indiana is a special thing. Basketball is a part of our communities, part of the fabric of our state. Its what we are known for--what a fun thing to be known for.

One of the things I love about Butler is that they've given families something that I have had my entire life. Something to bring us all together that has nothing to do with a holiday or birthday. My sisters and I are grown up, one married and one in nursing school. But at least once a season, we all meet at Hinkle field house for an old fashioned family fun day. We got to go twice this year, to watch the Dawgs beat Stanford and for Senior day.

I had to take a pause in this post because my dad was having one of his coaching moments. For some reason, we were watching part of the Kansas/VCU game.

"Watch this... this is what Butler is going to do tomorrow." And he proceeded to show me how Butler will adjust and shift to guard VCU's offensive set. Actually standing in front of the TV, just as he has stood in front of his own players the last 30 years.

A typical Friday night in the Goddard living room. And I love it. Basketball is the sixth member of our family. In the last decade, Butler has been a part of that craziness. I'm so proud of the team. And happy that my family has one more weekend to come together this year and enjoy something special.

A truly gleeful Tuesday

So I'm not sure if you know this, but Tuesdays are terrible days. I've been saying this for years and it holds true in my life week after week. Bad stuff happens on Tuesdays.

But today I broke the curse. I had an exceptional day. I woke up and for the first time in a week I didn't have a terrible, sharp pain in between my shoulder blades ( a gift from last Tuesday, thank you very much). And I was in this good mood that I couldn't pinpoint. Like I had something to look forward to.

The day was well-paced. I was on top of my work stuff. I even got to help out a co-worker, which always puts me in a good mood. I got TWO nice emails from authors, thanking me for my help on their book. I had some good conversations with friends. The music on Pandora was great. I sent an email to my congressman and senator to let them now how much I appreciate Public Broadcasting, and they shouldn't cut the federal funding for something that is so important to so many Americans. And I didn't feel like I needed to run away from the office as soon as the clock struck 5, which is a feeling I know pretty well.

I went to the store, and for once I picked the fast check out line. I made some tremendous guacamole and enchiladas. Watched Big Bang Theory episodes from season 1. Worked out a little. Cuddled with Kota on the couch and watched Glee. And now I'm writing, listening to the classics station on my Pandora ("Sitting on the Dock of the Bay"), and it feels good. It was a good day. The best Tuesday in recent memory.

It almost feels like a Wednesday :)

It was a great day.

The comeback kid

So I haven't been writing. Not even a little. No words on paper or typed into a keyboard unless I was paid to do it. And I'm sitting here and I am not even sure if I'm going to be able to finish this blog. Who is reading this? What do they want to hear? What do I have to say that is worth taking the time to transcribe into this completely public yet muffled forum that will get drowned out by anyone who has a clearer, sharper, better voice than mine...

I'm only sitting here struggling through this today because I started doing yoga again. And it has been painful and awkward, and lets face it, I'm just a fat girl rolling around on the floor. There are moves that I am no longer able to do, like the tree pose... But it is okay because I'm doing it by myself, in my apartment, where it is safe to look stupid.

It has been so nice just to stand and focus on my breath. At work, sometimes I get so stressed/frustrated... I will read a particularly nasty email and I clench my jaw, start in on my overly-polite reply and get through half of it before I realize that I have forgotten to breathe. How do you forget and involuntary action? I guess I'm just special.

So my two weeks of practicing yoga again--as well as some other exercise--has made me remember how good it feels to do things that are good for me. And I really think that this thing, writing, is probably the most valuable habit I've ever had. Because I've worked out a lot of nasty stuff this way.

I wrote a column in college about how yoga is like blogging. The medium that I've chosen to help myself become a better writer. Healthier. It was the place where I really think that I found my voice when I was in college. I look back through some of the posts, and sure, it brings back a lot of memories. But I don't actually remember writing them. How I came up with the ideas--the words--where I got me motivated to pick up my computer and let loose... I don't remember what it is like to be good at this. To feel fulfilled by it. I think that's the reason that this one blog post has been one of the hardest things to get down. It has been painful.

But I finished it. And there will be more. There has to be more. Because I'm a writer. It is my favorite thing about myself. And you cannot be defined by something without doing it. Pen to paper, keystrokes clicking and clacking away.

So I'm writing again. Let's see what we find out.

The values and the valuable

The world is composed of two distinct groups of people--those who have it together and those who don't.

They are categories that are easy to distinguish, and easy to identify yourself with. Right now, you've placed yourself in one, or the other. And if you aren't sure, you might be in denial. Or maybe, just out of touch. So I'm going to help you a little bit. Answer these questions, and if you get mostly yes'... then you get to join those of us who missed that part of the public education system that actually teaches you how to lead a productive life.

Just kidding... any questions would be a little too autobiographical for comfort. And I just don't know you that well, oh few readers of this "blog." I like to keep my secrets to myself. But I will tell you which group I belong to. As you might have guessed, I most definitely do not have my crap together. Because those who do would not be writing about it. They have much more important things to be taking care of. Like, they probably have exercising to do. They might be watching an enriching documentary on PBS where they won't just be made to feel guilty for 20 minutes before they move on to less stimulating television, they will be moved to action. Nope, I'm just your average member of mediocrity, looking over at those people who make it seem easy. Wondering how they manage to get up in the morning, find meaning in what they do, and contribute to this world in more than a banal, rat-race sense.

To me, the poster child for a life well put together is my big sister. She's successful in all the important ways, and the not-so important ones. And she's a good wife and sister and pharmacist and friend and person. And even if she's not perfect, she has the air of perfection swimming around her. I could never begrudge her any of this, because she works hard.

But I do have one question. Why does her life look like it was ripped from a page in the Crate and Barrel catalog, and mine look like I threw it together with the stuff I found in the dumpster behind my house? And I'm not talking about money... I don't care about having stuff. But I mean, my sister and I are very, very similar people, as much as we'd probably like to deny it. So why then, does she have it together and I don't? Why is living not something we are born capable of? It should be more natural, more involuntary, like breathing.

I just realized that it looks like I'm picking on my sister, but I'm not. I love her and I'm glad that she's dwelling happily in the together category. I am judging her, but to be fair, we all do that every day. I look at my neighbors, co-workers, family members, celebrities, etc. And I place them in one category or the other. And then I break it down into subgroups. "Well I know I don't have it together, but at least I'm not sinking as low as so-and-so." It makes us feel better, to know that there is someone out there who sucks at life a little more than we do. Or even better, we try to denigrate those who have figured out how to live a good life. You know, the whole "Well, he's successful but I'm sure he has a miserable home life. Or he's secretly a pedophile. Or he cheats on his taxes."

It all seems a little hopeless, doesn't it? This way of categorizing the human race. What would it look like if instead dividing people into these groups, we just started placing value in people? In our neighbors, co-workers, family members, celebrities... What if that value assigned to us is the catalyst that drives us to live above the normal, the sucky, the failure?

What if the most important person to place value in is yourself? If we could figure that out, then maybe we could stop the comparing, the wishful glances at other people who have learned the secret.

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength(value)" -Philippians 4:12-13 (my word in parentheses)