What is it with the months of Feb.-March? Crap just piles itself on us, that's what.

"I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower, Makes you talk a little lower... "--Counting Crows

I was sitting in church today and I felt this overwhelming sense of sorrow. I started thinking about the victims of the mudslide, and then I was just really sad for no reason. Bill's communion meditation was about having a hope through the sorrow of losing someone, and I got choked up with this sorrow that I couldn't get over. Because I miss Ben and I'm so selfish that I cannot even stand the person I am. I'm jealous and full of opinions that I have no business having opinions about and I can't stop judging people and I am just full of so much anger and frustration and I can never let it out. Because, in case you didn't know, apparently I'm not allowed to be in a bad mood. Or annoyed with someone. Because if you get mad here people want to swoop in and "fix it." But sometimes you just need to be angry. And sad.

And now I feel so guilty for things I've thought and said, and the things I've thought and didn't say. And I feel guiltier because I haven't felt guilty until today, when someone's crap came to my attention. Because I was a completely awful person to this person.

I think that God's mercy becomes the most real when you finally are hit with the reality of what an amazingly lame/self-righteous/selfish/lying/scared/mean-spirited/stupid/SINFUL person you are. When you get hit with the full account the way a stranger off the street would perceive you, and it's so completely wretched you are ashamed.