Lent and Homesickness

Why has it taken me until know to really hear Greg Laswell's stuff? "Comes and Goes" (some of the song posted below) is so great.

This one's for the lonely
The ones that seek and find
Only to be let down
Time after time
This one's for the torn down
The experts at the fall
Come on friends get up now
You're not alone at all

This one's for the faithless
The ones that are surprised
They are only where they are now
Regardless of their fight
This one's for believing
If only for it's sake
Come on friends get up now
Love is to be made

Between the ages of 11 and 18, I was really big into writing verse. Isn't that something every adolescent girl does though? Lay around on her bed, filling notebooks with deep, heartfelt dribble that rhymed... okay, probably not all girls... but I'm sure this wasn't a unique practice to me. Looking back, I guess its kind of sweet that I spent so many nights writing my thoughts, hopes and prayers like they meant so much, just because they meant a lot to me. And man, I thought that crap was so good that I even subjected people to it on occasion. But like I said, I don't think I've written anything resembling a poem since I started college.

And lately I wish that I had more of that poetry writer inside of me. She was silly to be sure, and on the superficial side. But I was a kid who felt deeply. I hadn't built up very many barriers when it came to my emotions. And most importantly, I felt the freedom to express myself. I've turned into a self-critic, especially when it comes to writing. When I start a blog post, or a story, I just think the piece to death. Learning more about writing has kind of imprisoned me. I don't want to write something unless it is smart, or funny--even if its for myself. And when you are concerned with sounding smart, you lose the honesty in the whole thing.

And so I haven't been writing like I should be, or reading much of anything. Because when I read, or hear a really good song... I feel homesick for the self-expression the I love. I have sat down at this computer several times, with every intention of writing something, and I just feel like I have forgotten how to do it. It's like I can't get back home... I desperately want to go back and erase that statement... but I have got to stop editing myself.

So its the season of Lent. And I haven't had any sugar in my system since Fat Tuesday (I've only had one day at work when I was sitting in the cafeteria, convince that a candy bar would solve all of my problems). But I think that I am going to use these fourty days leading up to Easter to focus on my writing, and see if I can gain back a little bit of what I've lost...

Old friends, new friends...

So the past two mornings I have woken up from very vivid dreams. This doesn't happen to me very often, and I wish that it did because dreams really fascinate me. I love it when you dream about people in your life doing completely uncharacteristic things. For instance, my friend Miranda from work once had a dream that I was having an affair with some old guy who was an exec or something in the company. It was absolutely bizarre, but we laughed about it for a long time.

But Saturday morning I dreamt I was on a boat and Ellen DeGeneres was my cruise director. It was fantastic, and I wrote it down so that I wouldn't forget about it. But last night my dream was a little bit more bittersweet. It was a lot more boring really, I was just hanging out with an old guy friend from high school. We were really close but have fallen out of touch. But in the dream we were still best friends, and we laughed and watched movies and played Yahtzee and made really good drinks. I was mixing them like I was some kind of bartender, which I totally am not.

But I woke up smiling, just after I had made my friend some concoction that included Cherry 7-Up. And then I remembered that we aren't friends anymore. I have no idea what is going on in his life. I used to know everything.... every class and every crush.

You and I probably need both hands, and maybe all of our toes, to keep track of people who used to be really important in our lives. And even though these people are just friends, it is kind of like you broke up. And with every break-up, someone has to be the dumper. My sister talked to me the other day about how she heard through a mutual friend that her best friend from elementary said that they had just "both drifted apart." That's the perfect dumper's excuse, though. In reality, we a) outgrew the person, b) got tired of trying to stay in touch, c) got overloaded with close friends, and had to let one fall by the wayside.... and there are a lot more reasons why friendships fade. But its clear that in most relationships, they fail because we don't put in the effort. And in most cases, like my sister and like me with my dream friend, someone feels like they have gotten dumped.

I went to a seminar-type thing in my dorm one year in college given by the professors who teach a class on personal relationships. And they put relationships into two categories: friends of the road and friends of the heart. Friends of the road are characterized well by my dream friend. We were friends because of proximity and convenience and common interests, and when we lost those things, we lost that friendship. We will have very few friends of the heart in our lives. And you know it when you have a relationship like this.

But that is not to say that friends of the road are bad friends. For example, when I did my short stint in grad school, there were two girls I met there that were really, really there to share their lives with me. I needed them, and they were there for me.

I don't really know how to finish this thought... except thanks, you people in my life. Or people who have been a big part of my life. Life happens to you, and we all grow and change and get an education and figure out what we want our lives to look like. But you can most simply be defined by the company you keep... and I'm pretty pleased with my definition.

Its beginning to look a lot like (fill in the blank)

My Christmas Wishlist

- I wish that I could wish for snow without worrying that someone will get hurt on the road. I want the prettiness without scary road conditions.

- I wish that I could have realistic expectations for the holiday season.

- I wish that I could listen to "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" without crying a little.

- I wish that my life was really like an episode of "Friends" and all of my people lived in the same place. Like Chandler and Joey living across the hall from Monica and Rachel. That close.

- I wish that ABC Family would show the whole version of "Twas the Night Before Christmas" because they cut my favorite song out of it and its been so long I can't remember how it goes anymore.

- I wish that I could be as excited and happy at the end of making Christmas cookies as I am when I start making them.

- I wish that Budda and I would get along the whole time we're home together.

- I wish that I could live with Skeyse forever and ever. Ross can be there too, I guess. :)

- I wish that I could want the things I want, free from guilt.

- I wish I had the natural ability to be compassionate... like Nelson Mandela, or Jesus... I wish I wasn't quick to anger and slow to forgiveness...

- I wish Christmas gifts would wrap themselves, in 100% recyclable and reusable material.

- I wish that being happy and healthy were simple things. It only gets more complicated with age.

Some perspective would be splendid right now

The last few days I've felt pretty overwhelmed. I don't mean that I'm too busy... I work as just as much as the next guy with a full-time job... and even if I work earlier than most, my sleep schedule is working for me. And I had a good weekend. Relaxing. I watched all six hours of Angels in America... then I caught up on the classic films I missed out on in 2008-09... I watched Slumdog Millionaire, Milk and The Rocker....

When I say overwhelmed, I think I mean weary. Weary of learning how someone you cherish is living a life less than what he/she deserves. Weary of not being able to fix it, in your own life or in others.

My world is minuscule right now. So, so small. And I can't get it. That perspective I need. I try to channel some, I really do. Last week I ate lunch at a table with a woman from my old church who has managed to beat a serious case of ovarian cancer. She battled... hard. And won, and does nothing but say that God did it all. And man, she is one hilarious lady. I was laughing so hard about her losing her hair... my stomach started to hurt and I had tears in my eyes before I realized that I was laughing. About someone losing their hair in chemo. This woman is not just a fighter... she's a miracle. She's magical.

Her problems were big. Mine are so much smaller... I can handle my mess. I own my mess, and it can be taken care of. I'm still in control of it, you know. Even when the weight of it all, the sadness and the joy, and the sheer absurdity of life feels like it might crush me. I can feel it pressing down on my rib cage and my sternum... kind of like someone is laying on top of me sometimes. And it sucks and I can't breathe, and you begin to wish for numbness so that you can breathe again. Then, when I'm smart, I pray. I remember that I'm alone in my car, or at work, and that there is no one, nothing on top of me. And its just me and my mess and I can manage it. My problems are small, manageable.

At work they've devised a contraption to capture lady beetles. I got to use it today. Its a five-foot long piece of plastic tubing with a plastic bag adhered to the bottom of it. I found the dreaded bug that did not belong in our clean room environment, placed the tube to the ceiling, and the bug went down, down into the darkness and joined his little friends in the plastic baggie. Where he will surely suffocate and die. Now, that lady beetle has a huge problem. Mine are small, manageable. It's my mess. I own it... I can fix it. Thank God.

I will leave you with a photo of my new favorite babysitting charge, Carl. I watched him over the weekend, then I dropped him off at daycare, where he's going to stay while his mom and dad enjoy their vacation in Miami.




I'll admit, it is pretty hard to say no to this face.... :)

The waiting place

Monday night we had our small group at Brad and Mandy's house... I guess it won't be their house for much longer... and I found myself playing with the boys in Ezra's room. They like to do this thing where we turn the lights out and "fall asleep" and then Ezra turns the lights on and tells us to wake up. And we do it over again. And again. And its funny, because I'm usually so tired in the evenings because I work so early, that I let myself relax and get sleepy when the lights are out and I really am jolted when Ezra screams, "Its time to get up!"

Bless him, Ezra got tired of that game. He handed me a book to read them, and we sat on his bed and read "Oh, the Places you will Go." Do you remember that book? I know you've probably heard someone drone on, page-after-page during a commencement ceremony... but its a really good book. Ezra and Elijah especially liked the line, "And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants." Basically because they love the word pants... they thinks it's hilarious.

When I remember my life. My past days, weeks, months and years.... I mark time with profound moments. I have a hard time remembering names and faces from high school, just five years ago, but I remember small moments in great detail. And not to be weird or anything, but I almost feel like these moments speak to me... like they are saying 'remember this, right here, right now.' And sometimes I write about these things. And sometimes I just daydream about them at work, while I'm making small wire baskets that might someday retrieve a stone from your kidney. Today I guess I will write.

I had one of these moments reading this children's book to two boys, ages seven and three. It is just verse-after-verse of nonsense to children. But to me, a 23 year-old who grew up knowing the potential she had and was given every tool in the world to help her meet that potential, to me it meant a whole lot. The book is full of these encouraging sayings that are so over the top, about moving mountains and stuff... but then he hits you with the reality... the reality that life is this hard thing, and no matter how many amazing people are there for you... there is so much that you have to figure out on your own. Alone... all by yourself.

I'm just going to put some of the book down here...

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

I know that's where I am right now. Its like my life, the last year, has been an endless series of waiting. Waiting to feel anything again, waiting to feel useful, waiting to find purpose, waiting to feel settled, waiting to figure out my next step, waiting for affirmation...

The waiting place... it's where I find myself right now, in a most useless space. How about you?

A Perpetual Worrier

- My life.... am I doing a good job living it? Probably not.... Need to work on this.

- My Papaw... he's having bypass surgery on Friday. If you pray... please lift one up for Dick Goddard. He's the best grandpa... a real patriarch in every sense of the word. I'm pretty scared for him... but hopeful that this procedure is going to improve his quality of life in a huge way. The timing of this... a week after we auctioned off what remained of my maternal grandparents' things and finally emptied the farmhouse... is just kind of a lot to handle. And so I worry... and worry... and stress eat... I cannot tell you how hungry I've been this week. All of the time. So hungry. Will you still love me when I'm 350 pounds? Will you, really?


-I reconnected with a friend from college last week in a kind of awkward way. I'm thankful for this awkwardness because catching up with her has been so good. It is weird how you can feel so much like a screw-up... like you don't have a clue in the world... and then you realize that you are just 23 and normal... and this new life experience is just another thing you have to take and learn from... and with that you can connect with people.

I like people. I don't like being worried... so I'm going to head to see what looks like the greatest movie ever made about a roller derby. Going to the movies... in the rain... by myself. Ahhh... I feel better already.

Can't Tell A lie

From now on, you can’t tell lies, are you ready? Let's do this thing

Think back eight months ago, were you single? Yep

What do you carry with you at all times? My work badge... and my phone (ideally)

Who was the last person of the opposite sex you text messaged? my Dad (aww)

How are you feeling? Excited to be free from work... tired of cleaning my house.

Is something wrong right now? Isn't there always something? But its just a small things... I can handle the small things.

Are you mad at someone? Just world leaders... as always

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? It doesn't matter if I plan on it... it won't happen.

Are you jealous of someone right now? My sister Katie's fantastic life... :) But seriously, I don't think so.

Do you have a piggy bank that’s actually shaped like a pig? Nope... a teddy bear

What’s the last thing you put in your mouth? Coffee...coffee...coffee

What are you suppose to be doing right now? Cleaning... and getting dressed

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? Sure

Could you handle a long distance relationship? I have no idea if I could handle any relationship...

Could you cry right now? if I thought about something sad, or happy, or a Sylvan learning Commercial... I think the answer is yes.

Do you ever think about stuff and start crying? Yep

Are you okay with the life you live? I'm okay... but not fantastically thrilled. I want to be fantastically thrilled with the life I live.

Did you enjoy your day today? Its just beginning... but so far... I'd give it a B

Do you have a Tattoo? no

Would you ever get any piercings on your body, other than your ear? no

Did your last kiss take place on a bed? no

What was the last thing you spent money for? yesterday's breakfast at work

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? my mom... I'm talking to her right now

Do you call it fall or autumn? fall

Drink wine...and be a tree

Saturdays, the ones where I get to stay at home and dictate how I spend my time, are when I try to catch up on my reading. And today I was reading The green lantern column on Slate, and there was an article about Beer vs. Wine. Which is actually better for the planet? The columnist was having a dinner party, and wanted to make the least negative impact on the environment.

The differences in use of green house gases were minimal, but ultimately it is better for the environment to drink wine, because it doesn't use as much refrigeration (unless you are my parents, who drink red wine out of the fridge...yuck). But the thing I found interesting about this entire column is that the author is obsessively dedicated to causing the least amount of personal damage to the planet. Its an honorable endeavor, to be sure, but almost absurd to think that one person can do so much to ruin things. But individually, we do a lot of damage to the earth... in the US they calculated that a person accumulates 1600 pounds of trash a year. That sucks.

One person can screw a lot of things up. But can one person, like this columnist, really do that much to fix things? I've been thinking about this a lot since my Skeyse told me she has decided what tattoo she wants to get. Personally, I'm not a big tattoo fan--I probably just can't shake my dad's influence on this point-- I don't think that I would ever get one. But Skeyse says she thinks she wants to get one of the Lorax, with the word "unless." I had forgotten this book, except for its famed "truffula trees"-- I always LOVED that word as a kid... truffula. But I went back and read it, and her tattoo idea comes from a quote at the end of the book:

"And all that the Lorax left with me in this mess, was one single word, UNLESS.
UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better. It's not."

That Theo Geisel was a smart dude.. And the Green Lantern columnist probably really loved The Lorax. --If I could be allowed one tangent thought here: one of my co-workers told me that I looked like a tree-hugger once. Images of "Superstar" instantly came to mind. But I asked him what he meant by that, and he said that I just looked like one. I informed him that I was not, in whole or in a part, nor have I ever been, one to hug trees. But I have planted them. And I recycle.--

But this column as a whole, and Skeyse' idea for her sweet new tatt got me thinking. How much are we supposed to care? And could this lesson about caring for our environment apply to other areas in my life?

And then I remembered... one of the best lessons I ever heard Brad teach. It was also probably one of the first he ever taught me. God wants us to be like a tree. Quick biology lesson for you (my dad would be so proud right now) trees take in carbon dioxide, which is poisonous to humans, and turn it into life-giving oxygen. They are essentially on this earth to give us life. So beautiful. I used to have a favorite tree. It was a sycamore that I planted in our yard in Vevay. Each third-grader was sent home with a sapling, and I was so proud that mine was thriving. My best friend Trisha Allen's dad accidentally ran over hers with the lawn mower. I really did love my tree. It's gone now... the family that moved into our old house took it down a few years ago. Over the years I really haven't gone back to our old town much... but last summer I made it down there...and the yard looked kind of sad without my tree.

If I did my part... and cared enough... if I were not a tree-hugger but the tree itself... what would that look like? If I had to use one word to describe the journey that I'm on right now... it would be searching. I think I'm searching for something to do with my life... for a way to give my life away... in a sense. And I think I am just looking for my way to be a tree... maybe one like my sycamore, which brought so much joy into my small, 8 year-old life.

What would that even look like...?

Plans

I had a really busy summer. Too many weddings, too many wedding showers, too many plans. And it was a lot of fun, my summer. But it was too much stuff piled into too short a time period. And then August ended, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Because at the end of Sarah and Ross' wedding weekend, I had no plans set until the holidays. It was freeing...I daydreamed at work about the Saturday mornings I would wake up at ten and read a book on the back porch while I ate breakfast. Maybe I'd go to the movies, or go on a walk, or take a nap. My weekends would be free for all of these things. With no plans, I wouldn't have to miss a Sunday at Exodus, and I haven't been this excited about going to church in a long time.

But as it happens with best laid plans, my plan to make no plans is no more. This weekend, Indy Irish Fest with the Blakely's. The next weekend, Joanna is coming down to stay for her nephew's football game. Then we're into October, and Ross and Sarah are finally coming down to stay with me. And before I know it, I'm going to be gearing up for the vacation time I'm taking from work, which will culminate into the Swell Season concert I'm going to see with Tab the first week of November. And then comes the whirlwind of the holidays.

I just want to slow down. Slow things down. Campus Life starts this week, and having that commitment on Wednesday nights always seems to make my week go faster. Which, with my semi-monotonous job, would seem like a blessing. And it is... but if my week goes fast... then all the weeks are going to go fast, and the months and before you know it... it will be freaking New Year's and I will be wondering where '09 went.

I just want it all to slow down. Pause. Stop, even. I just want to sit here for awhile. Just like Hanson sang and I'll paraphrase... let the minutes seem like hours and the hours seem like days.

Just let me slow the eff down for awhile and let me catch my breath.

So yeah, somebody stop me the next time I say "I can't wait," or I try to hurry the day away. Just tell me to shut up and breathe.

Good vs. Evil

Things that make me happy right now:

- Our new puppy, Daisy. I think I could play frisbee with her forever. She's pretty fantastic.

- Reading the classifieds. Maybe, just maybe, my new job is out there somewhere. I'm hopeful.

- Eating dinner with my roommates.

- Laughing at people who take themselves too seriously, or have completely lost touch with reality, on "reality" tv.

- Wolf Blitzer... Oh, Wolfie, I think we could be best friends... If it weren't for the 38-year age difference and the fact that you are a television personality and I am, well... not.

- Three-day weekends... They are just like college but without the homework. Sleep, read, watch a movie.... stay up late, go to bed... wake up late.... read, watch a movie, nap, stay up late, eat a snack, fall asleep, wake up late... (you get the point)

- Seeing my most favorite and beloved journalism teacher at Marsh on Monday.

- Living in B-town, where there are actually things to do all the time... like watching Katharine Hepburn movies in the park :)

- My little sister living in B-town :) :)

- Pia visiting us from Germany... because she's the most fantastic person on the planet. And she's Amy's drinking twin. I didn't even know drinking twins existed.

- President Obama and his belief that WE ALL DESERVE a better health care system.

- The one tree on West 46 on my way to Spencer that has decided its time to change colors. Fall is coming, folks.

- Football season is starting.


Things that make me want to scream right now:

- People who think a presidential address to America's schoolchildren must be about propaganda and indoctrination.

- After hundreds of dollars, my car makes the most irritating screeching noise when I set off for work at 3 a.m.

- The fact that I have to leave for work at 3 a.m. :(

- Remember what the dentist's needle looked like going toward my mouth this afternoon. EEK.

- Seeing my most favorite and beloved journalism teacher at Marsh on Monday, and having to explain to her how much I've screwed my life up... She didn't agree, of course.

- My three-day weekend has screwed up my very delicate sleep schedule.


Overall, though, I'd say the good things outweigh the bad. Victory for the good.

the ramblings of a Wednesday night when i should be sleeping

Had our Campus Life core meeting this afternoon. I am soooo excited to hang out with these teenagers. They make me wish that I was a better student leader when I was in high school, and that I was as fun as they are when I was in that life stage. Seriously... they are interesting, and INTERESTED in things that I never concerned myself with when I was their age, i.e. fasting, politics, social justice... I think it is going to be one great year for Campus Life in the OC.

Finally got home from Spencer this evening... and we had BLT's for dinner on the back porch (aka my favorite place in the world). Jimmy brought home the bacon.... Get it? haha I'm so funny. But he really did go to the store and get some. And now I've officially beaten this into the ground.

Do I really want to go to work at 3:30 tomorrow morning? Yeah, I didn't think so either. But I should go... I could use the money to pay for the freaking fillings I have to get next week at the dentist. Is it sad that I thought, just for a moment, that I might just leave the cavities there. But I wouldn't dare skip it, or another cleaning ever again. My hygienist has me completely freaked out about getting gum disease. I've been flossing in the car during one of my breaks from work. Eeek. I should throw that old floss away at some point... Just kidding. Now, my car is dirty, but I promise I'm not that disgusting.

By the way... my parents might be getting another dog... And I have always named our pets. Because I'm the best at it. Lauren and Wes got to name the kitten that found us last summer, and they named him Gandolf the Grey... which would be a good name if we didn't always call him Gandy... I hate that. Mostly though, I call him devil kitty. But Mom's going to look at this dog, and I told her she should name her Veronica Mars, and we could call her V. But she says no way. It broke my heart. The dog already has a name... Daisy. I told her we couldn't keep it as it is because that is the name of my car, it has a theme song and everything. Yes, I know I'm being ridiculous and a control freak, and Kelli reminded me that I don't technically live with my parents anymore... so my opinion really doesn't matter anyway...

But I want to name our new dog Veronica Mars... She would be the best dog ever.

And we all shine on...

I love my back porch. I'm going to move out here and sleep on my grandma's glider and never leave. Do you think Kelli will bring me my meals, magazines and books to read and go to work as me so that I don't lose my job? No? Oh well, I will just have to enjoy the time that I do have out here. I'm trying to listen to a Quickmix on Pandora, and I will just say that today, its a little disappointing. But wait... The Kinks just came on... I take back what I said about you, Pandora.

Last night I drove practically to Frankfort (home of the hotdogs and my newspaper friend Austan Kas) to pick up Michelle. And on the way up there I finally finished listening to all of the songs on my ipod. Is it sad that I felt pretty accomplished about this. Also, I have a lot of crap on there, like "Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong," that I don't ever remember downloading. I think that my red ipod has a mind of its own, and a tendency toward sappy 80's songs.

But I picked Shelle up at a gas station and got to see Sam for five seconds (I heart Sam) before we drove back to Spencer. Fun, fun. Actually, it was a pretty good night because I got to meet Barb's GIGANTIC pumpkins. And she made Robbie and I some hummus that was amazing. It was my lunch today. And probably tomorrow, and the next day. And now, I can make my own hummus.

Plus, Barb, who said she wants to be referred to as "the quirky Dentist," gave me a beautiful gourd and I am going to try to learn how to make it into a birdhouse. We'll see. Robbie has one too and we are going to have a craft time I guess, even though my craft year is well over.

Ooh, John Lennon is on. I will finish out with his genius....

Instant karma's gonna get you
Gonna knock you off your feet
Better recognize your brothers
Everyone you meet
Why in the world are we here
Surely not to live in pain and fear
Why on earth are you there
When you're everywhere
Come and get your share



And we all shine on... :)

Sick and tired

So lately I'm starting to become dissatisfied with my life. I promise that this is a healthy thing. Because my life right now is not how I ever thought it would turn out. It is not even a proper reflection of me, or at least who I want to be.

I'm not really talking about my job. Although, yes, I would love to find something to do with my life that I care about... if anyone would like to hire me to work for them... I'm ready and willing to get out of Boston... And I'm not talking about relationships really, either. I have good people--fantastic people-- in my life. They have sort of surrounded me in a protective bubble while I've found my way out the mess I made for myself the past year. They cover me with prayer and give me healthy doses of advice and reassurance that if I am a screw-up, it is a completely normal thing.

What worries me about my life right now is how little I'm giving. There are people in my life who end up getting neglected because I'm sooo needy right now. And I'm not used to being the needy one, I usually have the bare essential crap together in my life. And maybe they don't feel that way, like I don't care anymore, but they probably do. I have a contact list on my phone full of people I need to be catching up with, but I call the same 4-5 people when I have a few moments to chat. I used to call my mamaw at least once every few weeks, and I haven't spoken to her in months. I suck. I used to think that that is just how it goes. You move away... get a new job... make a life-transition and just sort of transition friends at the same time. But that just seems like laziness to me, and carelessness.

I'm sick of my day revolving around me. My life, my needs, my interests, my stomach, my aches and pains, my anxiety, my sadness, my sense of humor... Its all about me and I have a hard time stomaching myself because of it.

I need to revolve around life, not the other way around.

Goodbye, Maddie

Dear Maddie

We had to put you to sleep yesterday. You had stomach cancer, which is really sad. But I just wanted to take a few minutes to tell you how great of a dog you were. You were the best dog.

We got you at the fair. I was riding the ferris wheel with Amy, and I looked down and Mom and Lauren were at the bottom, and they told me we were going to take home a puppy. I named you, you know. Madeline, after the Hanson song. Now that sounds kind of lame, but I was twelve at the time so that is okay. And you were so tiny and the first night we laid on the floor with you watching a movie, and you let us pet you forever. We got you a collar with a black and white polka dot bow on it. And we tried to walk you down our hilly sidewalk but you never really liked being on a leash.

You loved to play with your ball, and you loved to try to fit two of your toys in your mouth at the same time. You were so smart too, Maddie. I don't care what people say about dogs, I know that you always understood everything that I said to you. Which made it even more annoying when you disobeyed. But you always apologized when you were bad... you'd come in the house and slink away with your ears down. It was kind of hard to stay mad at you.

I missed you so much when I went away to college, but I tried to scratch your belly a lot to make up for the days I wasn't at home. Thanks for always getting so excited when I came in the front door. It really made me feel special.

We buried you next to your best friend Luke. I hope you like it there. When I sit in the armchair of Mom's living room, I can look out the back door and see where Dad put you. And it is going to make me sad for a long time. But mostly thankful that we had you for eleven great years. Thanks for being such a huge part of our family.

You were a really great dog. The best. I love you, Maddie.

Goodbye.

Don't You Forget About Me

Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...and an athlete ...and a basket case...a princess... and a criminal...

Does that answer your question?...

Sincerely yours,
the Breakfast Club.

John Hughes... this meant so much to me in high school.

My Brothers&Sisters Life

Have you ever seen the show Brothers&Sisters? Well, is amazing. Its about a family that has three brothers and two sisters, and none of them can keep their mouths shut. They always say that they will keep a secret but they never do. And someone gets drunk and tells the person with the secret that everyone knows their secret and a big fight happens.

I love that show. But also, my friends are kind of like that family. :)

The Book ListShare

The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?

Instructions: Copy this into your NOTES. Look at the list and put an 'x' after those you have read. Tag other book nerds.

1 Pride and Prejudice - X
2 The Lord of the Rings -
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte - X
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling - X
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee - X
6 The Bible -- X
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte - X
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell -
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman -
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens -
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott - X
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller-
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare-
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier -
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien -
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger -
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger- X (disclaimer: I'm halfway through it, reading it now)
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell-
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald - X
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy -
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams-
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky -
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck -
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll -X
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame -X
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens -
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis - X
34 Emma - Jane Austen -X
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen -X
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis - X
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini-X
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres-
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden-
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne -X
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell - X
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown-
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez -
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving-
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins -
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery - X
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy -
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood-
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding -
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan- X
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel -
52 Dune - Frank Herbert -
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen - X
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth-
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon-
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens -
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley -
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Mark Haddon-
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez-
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck- X
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov -
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt-
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold -
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas-
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac-
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy -
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding- X
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville -
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens -
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker -
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett-
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce -
76 The Inferno – Dante -
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome -
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt -
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens - X
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell-
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker-
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro -
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert -
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry-
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White - X
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom- X
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle -
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad -
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery-
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Bank
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams -
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole-
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas-
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare -
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - X
100 Les Miserables — Victor Hugo - X


My score is... 28

Is it possible to be this pathetic?

What happens when you are the only single (woman? girl? lady? can't figure out the appropriate noun) in a department full of bored women? Death by embarrassment, that's what. Yeah today... my colleagues picked out my new boyfriend for me (a man can only walk in front of them so many times before they can't help themselves, they pounce) ... gave him the third degree ("what size SHOE do you wear?") and forced him to write down his phone number for me... then gave him mine. I'm an idiot, an IDIOT for giving any one of them my phone number.

I don't think I have stopped blushing all day. I haven't been this mortified ever... unless you count the time I earned the nickname Peabody at church camp.

But the thing is, these women (sort of) have good intentions. They really do love me, and want to see me happy. I am just not sure that they know me well enough to understand the kind of things that make me happy.

But I guess it was a good, and very bold shot.

Saturdays nights...

Today was a good day. I got up and had breakfast and got to talk Kelli for awhile. She and Jimmy are leaving for a week. The house is so very quiet when they are gone. Its kind of like living alone again.

I cannot believe the weather. I got to wear one of my scarves today. My mom calls them my security blanket because in the fall and winter I barely went without one. But I just love them, they are warm and cuddly and perfect. I decided I didn't want to sit around the house all day. I went to Chipotle, got a burrito and headed to the movies. Saw 'Away We Go' and loved it. Dave Eggers is amazing, really. And it just made me feel... so many things really. It was a laugh-through-your-tears film, at least for me it was. I went to Ezra's third birthday party, and he was sooooo excited. He got a tricycle, a new twin bed and an Elmo cake. For my third birthday, my cake was shaped like a panda bear. It was beautiful and the best I ever had. I came home from the party a little while ago, and now I am waiting to go out with some friends. I love Bloomington in the summer, because there are so many places to go hang out but you don't have to worry about all of the students.

So if you think about it... I had a pretty spectacular Saturday, and its not even over yet. But all day I have just been feeling kind of off. When I was driving to Gosport, I just started thinking about all the things in my life that are just lacking. But I don't have the motivation to do anything about these things, and if I did, I'm not even sure how I could fix it.

I kind of opened up to one of my co-workers the other day about the scary/dark part of my life. I've been not feeling great lately... I've had a lot of down days, and my parents have noticed. And that makes me feel so guilty because they worry about me so much and I know that they are trying so hard to be there for me and be patient and let me find my own way out of this. Well, my co-worker said that he's not surprised at all that I deal with this stuff. Which surprised me, because I feel like the only people who should be able to notice are those who can see that I'm not really myself.

"Sarah," he said, "It is not uncommon for brilliant, creative people such as yourself to deal with depression and other demons. The smarter you are, the more you feel how shitty this world really is."

I don't even know what to think about that.

Am I a loner?

I think I had an anxiety attack yesterday.Who am I kidding? I definitely had one. My heart started racing and I couldn't breathe. I was sitting at my grandparents' house... there were six of us there in a confined space and everyone was talking and talking, and asking stupid questions and it got to be too much. Too much for me to handle. I couldn't find an empty room so I went into the garage and calmed myself down. Afterward though, it was like I was on edge. I love my family, and I love visiting my grandparents and going to my cousin's wedding that evening was sort of fun. I just feel like sometimes I cannot handle being around other people... at least people I care about... I don't want them to think I am annoyed with them or don't like them. I think that is why I'm always fine at work, because ultimately I feel free to be myself there. When I'm annoyed with someone or I don't want to talk anymore, I just do what I want, which is retreat back into my own little world.

Lately I just want to be by myself. I have stopped making phone calls and talking to friends I usually speak with every day. I have been turning my phone of more and more, too. i just feel like i need space or something. I don't really know why.

Sorry if you feel like I haven't been there for you... I can't help it right now. Maybe I am a loner.