My preschool moments...

Obedience... its not a word that I like very much, probably because I suck at it. Ask my parents. But yesterday in church I had an epiphany of sorts. It was like a huge amount of old truth hit me in a new and real way. We were singing a song called "Unfailing Love" and we came to these lyrics-- "And everything you hold in your hand, Still you make time for me, I can't understand." And at that moment I really couldn't understand. Why would God put up with all of my crap, my disobedience?

During our communion meditation I started thinking about the things I fill my time with, the thoughts that I have all the time that are just starting to eat away at my relationship with God. And I thought about how much God has given me, what He gives me everyday and I do absolutely nothing for him that is free from an alterior motive. And I really have nothing of worth to give God but my love and obedience. I kind of feel like I'm in the preschool years of my faith, I rebel just enough to see what God is going to do about it, but I know that He has what is best for me. And I'm not four, obedience should not be a dirty word. It shouldn't be hard for me to love people and give God what he deserves--my heart, my talents and my time. But I'm having a lot difficulties giving that to hime without feeling like I would be happier if I were living for me. I am just so incredibly frustrated with my attitude--its like I know in my head that I'm acting ridiculous but I can't stop feeling that way.

When I was a little girl I went to this Baptist youth camp every summer that I absolutely loved. Every year we sang this song, its probably the only one I remember, because this was like 10 years ago. But the lyrics went like this: "I'll obey to serve you, I'll obey to show I love you. I'll obey, my life is in your hands. It's the way to prove my love when feelings go away. If it costs me everything, I'll obey." I've just been thinking about those words. And this summer I really have not been getting any of the feel-good stuff from him. Those feelings are not always going to be there. True spiritual growth happens in the rock-bottom valleys of faith, not the times when God picks you up and mercifully does all of the work for you. It should be really simple to obey God because it is just the outflow of my love for him. But I'm crap, I really am.

Pedro the Lion says it best:
You know I want to be like Jesus
But it seems so far away
When will I learn to obey
Obey