Just a quick update... I'm taking a break from writing a speech. I go tomorrow, I hate public speaking...
I passed the GRE... that is, I got a high enough score on my verbal that I won't have to retake it, it should be a good enough score to get me in to grad school SOMEWHERE.
Where?, you ask. Hell if I know.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
GRE madness
Okay, so I am locked out of my apartment right now. It was a rushed morning, so now I'm stuck in the computer lab ABSOLUTELY STARVING to death and have nothing to do... so I thought I'd blog. Not that there's much to talk about. The first issue of the newspaper came out today and I think it looks horrendous. I did my best... but I am not a graphic designer. I'm not fit to shine the shoes of a graphic designer... I'm not exaggerating on how bad I really am. Someone, please take that miserable job away from me.
I take the GRE on Saturday... and I am regretting this whole "take it early and get it over with" attitude I had this summer which led me to sign up for the test in FREAKING Sept... when I don't have to have my scores until January at the latest. I'm stupid. So stupid that I'm sure I will FAIL this test and be forced to pay another $140 for ETS to tell me how dumb I am and how much I do not deserve to go to grad school. Though that is all I can think about really, going to grad school... and maybe even moving to Denver to do it.
So I'm a little cranky. I blame the starvation thing. I really had my heart on the leftovers in the fridge. I made these bitchin' cheese and spinach enchiladas last night. It was the first time I'd ever made them and they were fantastic... the recipe, not necessarily my culinary skills. Who am I kidding?... men should be lining up for a chance to date me and eat my cooking. I'm that great.
So now, I'm going to rant a little bit more about the totalitarian system that is standardized testing in America. I am not a standardized person. I believe I'm pretty competent with the English language... but I cannot be expected to know the meaning of jocund or pulchritude or circumlocutory... which, as it happens, I do now. My entire academic career has been centered around learning to write for a 7th grade reading level - its what journalists do. Get the message across in a the simplest way possible. If something is beautiful... I would never say it had pulchritude, and if a person is beating around the bush, I wouldn't call it circumlocutory. Those words are stupid... STUPID. And I hate that I have spent countless hours studying useless words so I can get a high score on a STANDARDIZED test... the root of all that is evil in this world.
I'm going to study some more though, because as much as I want to blow all of this off, I really want to keep studying communication... if that means I have to turn myself into an awesome standardized test taker, then well, just call me STANDARD, devoid of any creativity and uniqueness... run-of-the-mill, the same as everyone else.. I'm making these definitions up, which by the way... has its OWN FREAKING vocab word... Neologism.
I'm sick, and a sell-out. Sorry this post has been a little frantic, but I'm riding high on caffeine and ranting usually makes me feel better.
I take the GRE on Saturday... and I am regretting this whole "take it early and get it over with" attitude I had this summer which led me to sign up for the test in FREAKING Sept... when I don't have to have my scores until January at the latest. I'm stupid. So stupid that I'm sure I will FAIL this test and be forced to pay another $140 for ETS to tell me how dumb I am and how much I do not deserve to go to grad school. Though that is all I can think about really, going to grad school... and maybe even moving to Denver to do it.
So I'm a little cranky. I blame the starvation thing. I really had my heart on the leftovers in the fridge. I made these bitchin' cheese and spinach enchiladas last night. It was the first time I'd ever made them and they were fantastic... the recipe, not necessarily my culinary skills. Who am I kidding?... men should be lining up for a chance to date me and eat my cooking. I'm that great.
So now, I'm going to rant a little bit more about the totalitarian system that is standardized testing in America. I am not a standardized person. I believe I'm pretty competent with the English language... but I cannot be expected to know the meaning of jocund or pulchritude or circumlocutory... which, as it happens, I do now. My entire academic career has been centered around learning to write for a 7th grade reading level - its what journalists do. Get the message across in a the simplest way possible. If something is beautiful... I would never say it had pulchritude, and if a person is beating around the bush, I wouldn't call it circumlocutory. Those words are stupid... STUPID. And I hate that I have spent countless hours studying useless words so I can get a high score on a STANDARDIZED test... the root of all that is evil in this world.
I'm going to study some more though, because as much as I want to blow all of this off, I really want to keep studying communication... if that means I have to turn myself into an awesome standardized test taker, then well, just call me STANDARD, devoid of any creativity and uniqueness... run-of-the-mill, the same as everyone else.. I'm making these definitions up, which by the way... has its OWN FREAKING vocab word... Neologism.
I'm sick, and a sell-out. Sorry this post has been a little frantic, but I'm riding high on caffeine and ranting usually makes me feel better.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Songs that say goodbye
Lately I've been dealing a lot with loss. We lost my grandma in early August. Her funeral was August 6, the exact date her husband, my Pop, died seven years before.It's also the date I was baptized when I was nine. I don't know why that means so much to me, it just all seems like it fits together somehow. When Pop left us, I felt at peace about it. I just kind of mulled through it. His body just went out on him, and I was okay with that. And we still had Grandma, with her dog and huge, ancient farmhouse and property we used to explore. When she died it felt like my entire childhood was gone, too. I ache for it, still. She was absolutely, 100 percent ready to leave this world, but I wasn't ready to let go of mine with her in it.
I did cry a lot at the funeral, but I think it was mostly for my family. We were all a little bit wrecked, and I was crying a lot in response to their emotion. I didn't really feel the sorrow for myself. But the next Sunday I was back at church, I completely lost it, in the middle of worship. The song was "Blessed Be Your Name" - which was a song that meant a lot to me when my cousin Ben died freshman year - and I lost control of myself. They were full-blown sobs. My parents just held me for awhile, and I know I made my mom cry. And she's a lot of the reason I think its been so hard... my mom is an orphan now. Both of her parents are gone.
But I had a ton of distraction, and the grief got swallowed up for a month while I went to Denver and moved back to school. Not a lot of my friends at school knew it had happened so it wasn't brought up. Then, last Tuesday, September 6, the first song of our chapel session was "Amazing Grace." It played at her funeral, and like a revelation, I realized how long she'd been gone. I sat down in the dark auditorium and sobbed, uncontrollably. I was so loud, and I couldn't help it. Breathing became a secondary action. I can't imagine what the people around me were thinking... but Sarah sat next to me and when I could breathe again, I told her what made me react.
Death sucks. Cruel, needless death is even worse. And on Sept. 11, you can think of almost nothing else. I tried to stay away from the news at first. But tonight in my film studies class we watched United 93. I never wanted to watch this movie, because I know how I react to things like this. My head hurt so bad by the end of it, I was trying so hard not to cry out loud. But I'm not sorry that I watched it. Because you cannot hide from the stuff that sucks, even when it is six years old, especially because it feels as fresh as if it had occurred yesterday.
My great-uncle died on Thursday, my mamaw's brother. My great-aunt, my grandma's youngest sister who is really close to our family because she doesn't have any immediate relatives, is dying of pancreatic cancer, doctors say she has mere months to live. And it sucks. I feel like everyone in my family who is over 60 is going to leave me. But I don't have to feel like this, this heavy, uncontrollable feeling crushing my lungs. Jesus is here. In good and bad, to deal with this crap right along with me. He's here to bear the burdens so I don't have to be sad forever. He beat all of this... the sickness and the death and the sorrow and the hatred and the violence, all things that lead to loss and misery.
It's not un-Christian to be sad. But Jesus is about hope, and I have hope that God's going to bring the good into my life, right alongside the bad. Its why I can smile though there are tears welling up in my eyes. Hope.
I did cry a lot at the funeral, but I think it was mostly for my family. We were all a little bit wrecked, and I was crying a lot in response to their emotion. I didn't really feel the sorrow for myself. But the next Sunday I was back at church, I completely lost it, in the middle of worship. The song was "Blessed Be Your Name" - which was a song that meant a lot to me when my cousin Ben died freshman year - and I lost control of myself. They were full-blown sobs. My parents just held me for awhile, and I know I made my mom cry. And she's a lot of the reason I think its been so hard... my mom is an orphan now. Both of her parents are gone.
But I had a ton of distraction, and the grief got swallowed up for a month while I went to Denver and moved back to school. Not a lot of my friends at school knew it had happened so it wasn't brought up. Then, last Tuesday, September 6, the first song of our chapel session was "Amazing Grace." It played at her funeral, and like a revelation, I realized how long she'd been gone. I sat down in the dark auditorium and sobbed, uncontrollably. I was so loud, and I couldn't help it. Breathing became a secondary action. I can't imagine what the people around me were thinking... but Sarah sat next to me and when I could breathe again, I told her what made me react.
Death sucks. Cruel, needless death is even worse. And on Sept. 11, you can think of almost nothing else. I tried to stay away from the news at first. But tonight in my film studies class we watched United 93. I never wanted to watch this movie, because I know how I react to things like this. My head hurt so bad by the end of it, I was trying so hard not to cry out loud. But I'm not sorry that I watched it. Because you cannot hide from the stuff that sucks, even when it is six years old, especially because it feels as fresh as if it had occurred yesterday.
My great-uncle died on Thursday, my mamaw's brother. My great-aunt, my grandma's youngest sister who is really close to our family because she doesn't have any immediate relatives, is dying of pancreatic cancer, doctors say she has mere months to live. And it sucks. I feel like everyone in my family who is over 60 is going to leave me. But I don't have to feel like this, this heavy, uncontrollable feeling crushing my lungs. Jesus is here. In good and bad, to deal with this crap right along with me. He's here to bear the burdens so I don't have to be sad forever. He beat all of this... the sickness and the death and the sorrow and the hatred and the violence, all things that lead to loss and misery.
It's not un-Christian to be sad. But Jesus is about hope, and I have hope that God's going to bring the good into my life, right alongside the bad. Its why I can smile though there are tears welling up in my eyes. Hope.
These words are heavy on my mind
like songs that say goodbye
like songs that say goodbye - Schuyler Fisk
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Let's pack our things and head out west...
If you had no obligations, no one tying you down, where would you go and what would you do? Me,I'd move to Colorado and study journalism and mass communication, which incidentally has become my new dream. Why Colorado, you ask? Oh, there are plenty of reasons that I could write about here, but I think I'll just illustrate them for you...let the pictures explain for me.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Getting settled in a new (yet familiar) place
I'm back at school. This time, I'm in an on-campus apartment. The beauty about these apartments is that I don't have to commute, and at the same time I no longer have to participate, or am even be solicited to participate in so-called "residence life." Like floor activities, I.E. pumpkin carving, scavenger hunts, Oscar parties, and open dorm hours.
And we have our own cable television. With free On Demand movies. You might think this is superficial, but when I spend 4-5 hours in classes a day, then 4-5 hours doing schoolwork, as well as studying for the GRE I'm taking in a month... mindless, really bad television is necessary for my sanity. Last night I watched The N and the Disney channel. Today, I watched three episodes of Inferno 3 and the Hills. I'm preparing myself for what's to come. And I also get to watch as much CNN and MSNBC as I want. Which is amazing in itself.
Right now I'm sitting at my new desk with a cup of tea. I really like this feeling. And I thought I had a lot more to write about but I don't right now. When my roommate gets her pictures downloaded, I'll do a post explaining why I'm considering a move to Denver next year. Well, it may be more like dreaming right now, but hopefully soon it will be a consideration.
And now, its time for more mindless television. Everybody's got love a Saturday night.
And we have our own cable television. With free On Demand movies. You might think this is superficial, but when I spend 4-5 hours in classes a day, then 4-5 hours doing schoolwork, as well as studying for the GRE I'm taking in a month... mindless, really bad television is necessary for my sanity. Last night I watched The N and the Disney channel. Today, I watched three episodes of Inferno 3 and the Hills. I'm preparing myself for what's to come. And I also get to watch as much CNN and MSNBC as I want. Which is amazing in itself.
Right now I'm sitting at my new desk with a cup of tea. I really like this feeling. And I thought I had a lot more to write about but I don't right now. When my roommate gets her pictures downloaded, I'll do a post explaining why I'm considering a move to Denver next year. Well, it may be more like dreaming right now, but hopefully soon it will be a consideration.
And now, its time for more mindless television. Everybody's got love a Saturday night.
Friday, August 10, 2007
What you may never have known...and probably never wanted to
Okay, so I've been tagged, and I'm going to follow through for two reasons: It's my last day of work and I don't have any assignments to work on, I'm just waiting for obits to come in AND Greg tagged me. I like Greg, I owe Greg a lot actually. He had to read the worst screenplay ever (written by me, about HANSON) and he still gave me a good grade. So I will now proceed... here are the rules:
You must write a blog post with ten weird, random things, little-known facts or habits about yourself. At the end, choose at least 5 people to be tagged, list their names and why you picked them. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you’ve been tagged” and tell them to read your latest blog.
1. Sometimes, I hope I'll be single the rest of my life.
I think it has to do more with selfishness more than anything else. And a need for personal space and alone-time. I cannot imagine being married, I never even dreamed about my wedding as a little girl. And I'm starting to develop this independent, strong-willed part of myself that doesn't feel like it needs anyone. And when I do need someone, I have my mom, or my friends. Also, as a part of this hope, I think, I have started to forget how to interact with members of the opposite sex. Not, like, in a work environment or anything. But a social one, with guys my own age. Being alone, in the romantic sense of the word, doesn't scare me...and sometimes I think this makes me a freak. But I kind of like being a freak.
2. When I'm alone, in the car or at my house, I sing... really loud and all the time.
When I was younger, I just sang all the time. I was way more outgoing and apparently lived like the world was my stage. Mariah Carey and Amy Grant were my faves to sing back then. At the playground, I made up this game for me and my friends that involved a four corners-like game at the huge sandbox, and it involved singing Boys II Men and All 4 One songs...But then I found that sense of self-consciousness and self-awareness that most do when they grow up, and now I hide my singing, mostly because I can hear myself and wouldn't want anyone else to have to.
3. I have friends that feel more like an obligation than a blessing. They're work.
Who likes to walk on egg shells when they hang out? Or have a running list in your head of things you cannot talk about around a friend? Apparently, I do. These friends are needy, clingy and super-sensitive. All things I am not, really. And we never argue because I work so hard at making it so they never get mad at me. I'll drive home from hanging out with said person(s) and I feel worn out. And these are the same friends who aren't happy until they see that you are happy in the same way they are. Which leads to endless talks about who they want to set me up with. If you don't see a problem with being set up on countless blind dates, see no. 1 above.
4. I have tons of notebooks in my bedroom at home, full of short stories and poetry that I will never read again.
I'll never read them because I know they are complete garbage. They date back to 1995, I think. I made the mistake of opening one once, and it was all rhyme-y and full of bad imagery and very, very naive. But I won't throw them out, either. Because I had to get through the really bad, "I have to say something profound when I write" phase before I could get to this place where I'm comfortable saying the first thing that comes to mind. I don't have to over think it or worry that I don't sound witty or hip. I can just write, and those notebooks remind me of how far I've come.
5. I'm a compulsive sign-reader.
Now, I don't read them aloud, or anything. My little sister does this on road trips. But I cannot drive by, or even walk by, a sign without reading it. And most signs are just crap, really. Elections posters and sign-up sheets and even the odd petition once in a while. But I do catch a gem sometimes, like... ELECT HAROLD "BUD" WEISER FOR TOWN COUNCIL... classic.
6. I can only clean the bathroom when I'm listening to really crappy music.
It has to be Kanye West, Ashlee Simpson, or maybe even a little Avril. It puts me into this euphoric, out-of-body state that makes cleaning a toilet seem a little less repulsive. It might be a mixture of the music with the cleaning chemicals... but when I'm listening to Ashlee screech "I didn't steal your boyfriend," life seems a lot better than it normally does... and it makes me want to scrub tile.
7. I'm not an artsy or a person who is good at crafts. Not creative at all, actually. But I did have a craft year.
It was 2005-06, the year I turned 20. I learned how to crochet, knit and cross-stich. I even made a purse as a birthday present for a friend on my mom's sewing machine. That Christmas I wrapped all the presents for my mom, and did this over-the-top, beautiful bows for them. I had never been able to curl ribbon before. Everyone laughed when I told them it was my craft year... but it really was. I have the scarves at home to prove it.
8. I want to write a memoir.
I'm thinking it will have to wait until my father is dead, but I'd love to write about being a basketball coach's daughter. There are a lot of stories to tell, and I've kind of started getting some of them down so I won't forget details. But I hate memoirs, really. They are just so trendy right now. But If someone were to chain me to a desk and tell me to write one, this is what it would be about. Living in Indiana, moving from county to county where everyone knows, and openly criticizes your dad.. all in the name of a leather ball and two baskets.
9. I think I want to go to grad school to avoid growing up.
I love studying communication, I really do. But honestly, the biggest appeal to going to grad school right after graduation is that I don't want be have a full-time job yet. I have loved this internship, but there are a lot of things I want to experience before I'm tied to a desk 40 hours a week at a local paper writing about small-town events for small-town audiences. It just isn't what I want for my life right now. I want to be a student a little longer.
10. I really don't think any of the above facts are worth reading, or that interesting.
I think I'm a slave to this attitude that anyone and everyone has a better story than I do. I think that's why I like reporting so much. I get to write and tell people stories, but I never once have to talk about myself. Talking about myself is restricted to this blog, that a total of two (I think) people read. And I'm just fine with that. So, sorry if you read this list, because I wouldn't if I were you.
Now comes this time where I'm supposed to tag people. Here goes...
Anna Pashley - because she's in Switzerland, and I'm unabashedly jealous of her life right now.
Brad Polley - Just because I wanted to annoy him with a blogging game.
Leslie Newton - because she is the first one on my xanga subscriptions...
Beth Hale - the second on my xanga subscription list...
Kristi Sluka - because I miss her...
You must write a blog post with ten weird, random things, little-known facts or habits about yourself. At the end, choose at least 5 people to be tagged, list their names and why you picked them. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you’ve been tagged” and tell them to read your latest blog.
1. Sometimes, I hope I'll be single the rest of my life.
I think it has to do more with selfishness more than anything else. And a need for personal space and alone-time. I cannot imagine being married, I never even dreamed about my wedding as a little girl. And I'm starting to develop this independent, strong-willed part of myself that doesn't feel like it needs anyone. And when I do need someone, I have my mom, or my friends. Also, as a part of this hope, I think, I have started to forget how to interact with members of the opposite sex. Not, like, in a work environment or anything. But a social one, with guys my own age. Being alone, in the romantic sense of the word, doesn't scare me...and sometimes I think this makes me a freak. But I kind of like being a freak.
2. When I'm alone, in the car or at my house, I sing... really loud and all the time.
When I was younger, I just sang all the time. I was way more outgoing and apparently lived like the world was my stage. Mariah Carey and Amy Grant were my faves to sing back then. At the playground, I made up this game for me and my friends that involved a four corners-like game at the huge sandbox, and it involved singing Boys II Men and All 4 One songs...But then I found that sense of self-consciousness and self-awareness that most do when they grow up, and now I hide my singing, mostly because I can hear myself and wouldn't want anyone else to have to.
3. I have friends that feel more like an obligation than a blessing. They're work.
Who likes to walk on egg shells when they hang out? Or have a running list in your head of things you cannot talk about around a friend? Apparently, I do. These friends are needy, clingy and super-sensitive. All things I am not, really. And we never argue because I work so hard at making it so they never get mad at me. I'll drive home from hanging out with said person(s) and I feel worn out. And these are the same friends who aren't happy until they see that you are happy in the same way they are. Which leads to endless talks about who they want to set me up with. If you don't see a problem with being set up on countless blind dates, see no. 1 above.
4. I have tons of notebooks in my bedroom at home, full of short stories and poetry that I will never read again.
I'll never read them because I know they are complete garbage. They date back to 1995, I think. I made the mistake of opening one once, and it was all rhyme-y and full of bad imagery and very, very naive. But I won't throw them out, either. Because I had to get through the really bad, "I have to say something profound when I write" phase before I could get to this place where I'm comfortable saying the first thing that comes to mind. I don't have to over think it or worry that I don't sound witty or hip. I can just write, and those notebooks remind me of how far I've come.
5. I'm a compulsive sign-reader.
Now, I don't read them aloud, or anything. My little sister does this on road trips. But I cannot drive by, or even walk by, a sign without reading it. And most signs are just crap, really. Elections posters and sign-up sheets and even the odd petition once in a while. But I do catch a gem sometimes, like... ELECT HAROLD "BUD" WEISER FOR TOWN COUNCIL... classic.
6. I can only clean the bathroom when I'm listening to really crappy music.
It has to be Kanye West, Ashlee Simpson, or maybe even a little Avril. It puts me into this euphoric, out-of-body state that makes cleaning a toilet seem a little less repulsive. It might be a mixture of the music with the cleaning chemicals... but when I'm listening to Ashlee screech "I didn't steal your boyfriend," life seems a lot better than it normally does... and it makes me want to scrub tile.
7. I'm not an artsy or a person who is good at crafts. Not creative at all, actually. But I did have a craft year.
It was 2005-06, the year I turned 20. I learned how to crochet, knit and cross-stich. I even made a purse as a birthday present for a friend on my mom's sewing machine. That Christmas I wrapped all the presents for my mom, and did this over-the-top, beautiful bows for them. I had never been able to curl ribbon before. Everyone laughed when I told them it was my craft year... but it really was. I have the scarves at home to prove it.
8. I want to write a memoir.
I'm thinking it will have to wait until my father is dead, but I'd love to write about being a basketball coach's daughter. There are a lot of stories to tell, and I've kind of started getting some of them down so I won't forget details. But I hate memoirs, really. They are just so trendy right now. But If someone were to chain me to a desk and tell me to write one, this is what it would be about. Living in Indiana, moving from county to county where everyone knows, and openly criticizes your dad.. all in the name of a leather ball and two baskets.
9. I think I want to go to grad school to avoid growing up.
I love studying communication, I really do. But honestly, the biggest appeal to going to grad school right after graduation is that I don't want be have a full-time job yet. I have loved this internship, but there are a lot of things I want to experience before I'm tied to a desk 40 hours a week at a local paper writing about small-town events for small-town audiences. It just isn't what I want for my life right now. I want to be a student a little longer.
10. I really don't think any of the above facts are worth reading, or that interesting.
I think I'm a slave to this attitude that anyone and everyone has a better story than I do. I think that's why I like reporting so much. I get to write and tell people stories, but I never once have to talk about myself. Talking about myself is restricted to this blog, that a total of two (I think) people read. And I'm just fine with that. So, sorry if you read this list, because I wouldn't if I were you.
Now comes this time where I'm supposed to tag people. Here goes...
Anna Pashley - because she's in Switzerland, and I'm unabashedly jealous of her life right now.
Brad Polley - Just because I wanted to annoy him with a blogging game.
Leslie Newton - because she is the first one on my xanga subscriptions...
Beth Hale - the second on my xanga subscription list...
Kristi Sluka - because I miss her...
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
I've neither the energy nor the motivation to title this post
I've had a really good summer. Good friends. A lot of really good nights out, and some good ones staying in with my family. I've made leaps and bounds in the pursuit of furthering my career...my clippings notebook is huge, and has some quality articles in it. And today I'm just trying to dwell on that kind of stuff.
Because the alternative is living in the here and now, which, at the moment sucks, for lack of better phraseology.
My 85 year-old grandma had a small stroke yesterday and she's in the hospital. She was also really dehydrated and is in the early stages of pneumonia. She's the tiniest woman in the world anyway. And she lives in this amazing, but really old, farmhouse with no central air. Last week, she refused to go to the doctor to get all of her prescriptions renewed. Its not that she doesn't want to take her medicine, she just hasn't left the house in a really long time and her perspective is all messed up. My mom's there right now, and I can't be. I have too much to wrap up here at the paper...its my last week here and I have to be at the county fair all day tomorrow and out of the office on Friday.
I just want to go home and cry. But I obviously have to get this stuff done today.
Is this what being a grown up is? Coping with a family crisis from behind a computer screen, and in between phone calls to school officials trying to get information for an article due in just a few hours?
I am so completely ready to be back in school.
Because the alternative is living in the here and now, which, at the moment sucks, for lack of better phraseology.
My 85 year-old grandma had a small stroke yesterday and she's in the hospital. She was also really dehydrated and is in the early stages of pneumonia. She's the tiniest woman in the world anyway. And she lives in this amazing, but really old, farmhouse with no central air. Last week, she refused to go to the doctor to get all of her prescriptions renewed. Its not that she doesn't want to take her medicine, she just hasn't left the house in a really long time and her perspective is all messed up. My mom's there right now, and I can't be. I have too much to wrap up here at the paper...its my last week here and I have to be at the county fair all day tomorrow and out of the office on Friday.
I just want to go home and cry. But I obviously have to get this stuff done today.
Is this what being a grown up is? Coping with a family crisis from behind a computer screen, and in between phone calls to school officials trying to get information for an article due in just a few hours?
I am so completely ready to be back in school.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Peace in a sea of confusion
I have no idea where I'm going. In my personal life, in my spiritual life, in my professional life... I just don't have a clue. I graduate in May, then who knows?
I have not real attachments or obligations. No loans, no boundaries, really. And that use to excite me. Its one of the biggest reasons I love being single, and my situation in life. But it is also starting to put a lot of pressure on me.
Deadlines for grad school applications are mere months away. Journalism fellowships are the same way (this is a lot of work, I have to make a million photocopies of my articles to make and like 20 portfolios to put together.) Cover letters, application essays, transcripts to request. Not to mention, a scary-hard test called the GRE to study for and take in September. Oh yeah, and CLASSES to take.
Every day like clockwork, outside the window of my office, a tornado siren sounds from the fire department across the street. Why? I have no idea. Why would it ever be necessary to set it off every day... Once a week, still a little excessive... once a month I'd understand. Its just my little annoyance for the day.
Also, I cannot believe how much I've been on the phone lately. Phone interview after phone interview... I kind of hate them because I'm a slow writer... but I can't function as a journalist without them. Being on the phone is wearing on me. I hate leaving voicemail messages. I know, deep down its because I sound like an idiot when I leave a message.
wrote a post last February, and it was somewhat of a confession:
And then I got it. In a way that made me want to lock myself away for fear of all the other hidden agendas I probably have under my belt, hidden so well I'm not even aware of them. I want to be right. I want to win. Not only do I want to be right about God, but I want my opponents--anyone who DARES feel a different kind of certainty about God, anyone with another point of view--to be WRONG. When its time for this world to go by the wayside, I want God to split everyone up into three categories. A wrong group, a right group, and an "I was too busy to care" group. And I want to be in that right group. Right, right, right... I want to be the one who has it all figured out.
Well... I didn't just write a blog, I wrote an entire 4-page essay about it for my senior seminar course. And I think that realizing how I felt had a huge impact on my thoughts and beliefs. But they were still just "My" beliefs. I got some nods, and some "I understands" in my seminar when I read my essay... but not really true affirmation. And I felt a littel weird about the way I felt, frankly...
And then I bought "The Ringing Bell," Derek Webb's new album. It's great, by the way... but in particular, I heard this song...
I Don't Want to Fight
I don't want to be right anymore
I don't want to be good
I don't want to change your mind
Feeling like I do
I don't want to sell graves
Peddle them door to door
A little something to ease your mind
Prepare you for what's in store
Oh I don't want to fight
Brother I'm not joking about peace
We can have it here tonight
It all comes down to you and me
You never asked me to save anyone
not in whole or in part
Like I was some kind of holy ghost
come to change their hearts
Oh I don't want to fight
Brother I'm not joking about peace
We can have it here tonight
It all comes down to you and me
So I'm walking away from this
before I hurt someone
cause I'm facing enemies
from both sides of the gun
Derek Webb is pretty great.
We're not in the movies
I like movies. A lot. Not as much as some...my friend Tabitha has seen and can quote more films than I care to see in my lifetime. She watches a lot of good ones, but she also subjects herself to a lot of crap. I do not object to watching crap, but it has to be the right kind. "Snakes on a Plane" ... good, fun-to-watch crap... "Sleepover" might very well be the best crap film ever made. But she watches crap like "Brave New World."
I'm rambling now... I want to get to my point.
So I hang out with a lot of girls. I have, like two or three guy friends. One is Robbie (gay), Mike (his boyfriend) and Derek (Amy's bf)... so I pretty much don't even think of them as guys. Anyway... not the point...again...
But I am around girls all the time. And I keep running into the same conclusions.
Girls think that real life is like the movies. I know we say this kind of thing a lot. But I truly believe that some girls have completely lost touch of reality.
My friend Jo is the most severe case. I cannot seem to get it across to her that it is lame when a guy says something to her that "sounds like it came from a movie, it was so good," and typically, they probably just ripped it off of a movie, or a handful of movies, you've just never seen. And, to further my point, it is not the great movie one-liners or super-huge gestures that make a relationship work. In fact, I think that if girls are waiting for these things, or a guy is waiting on a girl to give these things to, then there is something just a little off.
Of course movies have these one-liners and huge romantic gestures in them. There is only like 2 hours for the couple to get to their "happily-ever-after." And when you throw in that they have to meet, get together, be torn apart, and get back together again... it is necessary for movie makers to resort to these things to make their movies work.
But its not real, and does a lot of damage when girls think they can live in the movies. I'm just tired of being around that mindset right now. Its kind of a selfish one.
I have not real attachments or obligations. No loans, no boundaries, really. And that use to excite me. Its one of the biggest reasons I love being single, and my situation in life. But it is also starting to put a lot of pressure on me.
Deadlines for grad school applications are mere months away. Journalism fellowships are the same way (this is a lot of work, I have to make a million photocopies of my articles to make and like 20 portfolios to put together.) Cover letters, application essays, transcripts to request. Not to mention, a scary-hard test called the GRE to study for and take in September. Oh yeah, and CLASSES to take.
Every day like clockwork, outside the window of my office, a tornado siren sounds from the fire department across the street. Why? I have no idea. Why would it ever be necessary to set it off every day... Once a week, still a little excessive... once a month I'd understand. Its just my little annoyance for the day.
Also, I cannot believe how much I've been on the phone lately. Phone interview after phone interview... I kind of hate them because I'm a slow writer... but I can't function as a journalist without them. Being on the phone is wearing on me. I hate leaving voicemail messages. I know, deep down its because I sound like an idiot when I leave a message.
wrote a post last February, and it was somewhat of a confession:
And then I got it. In a way that made me want to lock myself away for fear of all the other hidden agendas I probably have under my belt, hidden so well I'm not even aware of them. I want to be right. I want to win. Not only do I want to be right about God, but I want my opponents--anyone who DARES feel a different kind of certainty about God, anyone with another point of view--to be WRONG. When its time for this world to go by the wayside, I want God to split everyone up into three categories. A wrong group, a right group, and an "I was too busy to care" group. And I want to be in that right group. Right, right, right... I want to be the one who has it all figured out.
Well... I didn't just write a blog, I wrote an entire 4-page essay about it for my senior seminar course. And I think that realizing how I felt had a huge impact on my thoughts and beliefs. But they were still just "My" beliefs. I got some nods, and some "I understands" in my seminar when I read my essay... but not really true affirmation. And I felt a littel weird about the way I felt, frankly...
And then I bought "The Ringing Bell," Derek Webb's new album. It's great, by the way... but in particular, I heard this song...
I Don't Want to Fight
I don't want to be right anymore
I don't want to be good
I don't want to change your mind
Feeling like I do
I don't want to sell graves
Peddle them door to door
A little something to ease your mind
Prepare you for what's in store
Oh I don't want to fight
Brother I'm not joking about peace
We can have it here tonight
It all comes down to you and me
You never asked me to save anyone
not in whole or in part
Like I was some kind of holy ghost
come to change their hearts
Oh I don't want to fight
Brother I'm not joking about peace
We can have it here tonight
It all comes down to you and me
So I'm walking away from this
before I hurt someone
cause I'm facing enemies
from both sides of the gun
Derek Webb is pretty great.
We're not in the movies
I like movies. A lot. Not as much as some...my friend Tabitha has seen and can quote more films than I care to see in my lifetime. She watches a lot of good ones, but she also subjects herself to a lot of crap. I do not object to watching crap, but it has to be the right kind. "Snakes on a Plane" ... good, fun-to-watch crap... "Sleepover" might very well be the best crap film ever made. But she watches crap like "Brave New World."
I'm rambling now... I want to get to my point.
So I hang out with a lot of girls. I have, like two or three guy friends. One is Robbie (gay), Mike (his boyfriend) and Derek (Amy's bf)... so I pretty much don't even think of them as guys. Anyway... not the point...again...
But I am around girls all the time. And I keep running into the same conclusions.
Girls think that real life is like the movies. I know we say this kind of thing a lot. But I truly believe that some girls have completely lost touch of reality.
My friend Jo is the most severe case. I cannot seem to get it across to her that it is lame when a guy says something to her that "sounds like it came from a movie, it was so good," and typically, they probably just ripped it off of a movie, or a handful of movies, you've just never seen. And, to further my point, it is not the great movie one-liners or super-huge gestures that make a relationship work. In fact, I think that if girls are waiting for these things, or a guy is waiting on a girl to give these things to, then there is something just a little off.
Of course movies have these one-liners and huge romantic gestures in them. There is only like 2 hours for the couple to get to their "happily-ever-after." And when you throw in that they have to meet, get together, be torn apart, and get back together again... it is necessary for movie makers to resort to these things to make their movies work.
But its not real, and does a lot of damage when girls think they can live in the movies. I'm just tired of being around that mindset right now. Its kind of a selfish one.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Who even knew...
Who knew the people you met at 18 would be the greatest ever...
These are my Hardy 3rd friends from freshman year. Two of us are married now, and two others are graduated. I can't believe it.
I love these girls.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Marriage, friendship and Harry Potter
There's something about drinking a Coke (no diet, it's gross) that makes you feel like your intestines are going to get eaten away. Kind of like when your car battery is all rusted out, and you pour some Coke on it and viola... no more rust. But I can't stop drinking it. It's not about excess. I'll have, maybe, one can every other day. I just love coke... more than chocolate or potato chips or any of those other things I haven't eaten in a little over a month. I know I might lose weight faster if I stopped drinking my coke... but its not really worth it to me right now. I don't need it, but I love it...
So a little over a week ago I trekked up to southern Michigan for my friend Nichole's wedding. She was the prettiest bride I've ever seen close up. I know people say stuff like this all the time, but Nichole looked prettier than bridal Barbie. And for a slightly grown-up version of a little girl who grew up idolizing Barbie... that is saying a lot.
So...apparently everyone else in the world who is my age (21) is ready for marriage. Yes, I'm just being dramatic. And yes, some of these people are not truly ready for marriage, but I do have a lot of friends who really are. And it got me wondering when my life, and the major growing-up stages of everyone else my age started happening at different times. We all grow up at the exact same rate until that point when POP, the highlights of life start happening at different times for different people. We're all born and learn to eat solid food at the same time, learn to poop on the toilet instead of in our pants, learn to talk... all at relatively the same rate. We start school at the same time... go through puberty at the same time...and graduate together. And this is where it feels like it has ended. Its not that my friends are growing up faster than I am, they're just ready for some things, (marriage, babies) that make me cringe.
So... Tuesday at Midnight I was one of the freaks who went to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix. Although, I didn't wait in any line (fandago is amazing, isn't it) and I didn't sit in the theatre for hours leading up to the show. But I did love, love, LOVE the movie. It was almost perfect. There were entire scenes that played out exactly as they did in my mind when I read the book. And most of the changes the film made did make sense (except, I really missed Fred and George's bog). The end was totally intense and Helena Bonham-Carter was scary, but not as much so as Umbridge. She was the pure, unadulterated kind of evil that makes you hate all government.
I'm a sleepy, sleepy girl, due to the HP late night movie and getting up early for work. I tried to catch up late last night, but it was all just a futile attempt (I'm trying not to harbor any hatred for my sister and a certain boy whose music was so loud last night after 10:30 that the wall to my bedroom was shaking) even though he's been over every night this week and knows (as does she) how early I go to bed.
So a little over a week ago I trekked up to southern Michigan for my friend Nichole's wedding. She was the prettiest bride I've ever seen close up. I know people say stuff like this all the time, but Nichole looked prettier than bridal Barbie. And for a slightly grown-up version of a little girl who grew up idolizing Barbie... that is saying a lot.
So...apparently everyone else in the world who is my age (21) is ready for marriage. Yes, I'm just being dramatic. And yes, some of these people are not truly ready for marriage, but I do have a lot of friends who really are. And it got me wondering when my life, and the major growing-up stages of everyone else my age started happening at different times. We all grow up at the exact same rate until that point when POP, the highlights of life start happening at different times for different people. We're all born and learn to eat solid food at the same time, learn to poop on the toilet instead of in our pants, learn to talk... all at relatively the same rate. We start school at the same time... go through puberty at the same time...and graduate together. And this is where it feels like it has ended. Its not that my friends are growing up faster than I am, they're just ready for some things, (marriage, babies) that make me cringe.
So... Tuesday at Midnight I was one of the freaks who went to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix. Although, I didn't wait in any line (fandago is amazing, isn't it) and I didn't sit in the theatre for hours leading up to the show. But I did love, love, LOVE the movie. It was almost perfect. There were entire scenes that played out exactly as they did in my mind when I read the book. And most of the changes the film made did make sense (except, I really missed Fred and George's bog). The end was totally intense and Helena Bonham-Carter was scary, but not as much so as Umbridge. She was the pure, unadulterated kind of evil that makes you hate all government.
I'm a sleepy, sleepy girl, due to the HP late night movie and getting up early for work. I tried to catch up late last night, but it was all just a futile attempt (I'm trying not to harbor any hatred for my sister and a certain boy whose music was so loud last night after 10:30 that the wall to my bedroom was shaking) even though he's been over every night this week and knows (as does she) how early I go to bed.
Friday, June 29, 2007
What a Full Moon can do to a news room
I'm still learning about this whole small-town, local newspaper thing.
But apparently, full moon = big news day. And not necessarily the good kind of news. Before 11, we've already had a fire and a motorcycle crash. I'm just kind of sitting here waiting for the plagues to hit.
And, generally speaking, I kind of feel like the office is in a slight state of chaos today. Its the last day for one of our reporters, and its a Friday, which I'm sure had fed into the mess.
People in Morgan County are mean to each other. Not necessarily violent mean, but mean-spirited mean. Its just an observation from my first 5 weeks (halfway point, YAY). You would not even believe the horrible things people say to each other on message boards. Here is my favorite one. We had to take this comment down from the website...we take all the ones with profanity, violent threats or lewd comments down--
"I wouldn't piss in your ear if your brain were on fire."
Now, I'm not going to give any names or even info about the situation its about... but its quite possibly the best, most creative stupid, hateful thing anyone has ever said.
I now use it daily.
Last night I slept in Lauren's room and we played "truth or dare" while we were falling asleep --(after we watched the best movie with the most horrible ending..."the Painted Veil"-- and I dared her to say it to Dad sometime today. And it has to be a time where he's not necessarily in a joking mood...maybe even when they are arguing about something. On second thought, she should wait until the Reds are on tonight, they always put him in the worst mood. A mood so bad, that even when I tell him I'm making a phone call, my friend Joanna still got to listen to my dad's rendition of Geaorge Carlin's "seven words you can never say on television" on her voicemail.
I'm not bitter, or anything. I'm also not bitter about the fact that 10 p.m., my weeknight bedtime, is apparently the time of night he must do all things that make a lot of noise. Honk the horn in the driveway...Run the mini-steam cleaner...Yell at the reds for blowing a two-run lead...those are just a few examples.
My dear friend Nichole is getting married tomorrow in souther michigan...I get to handle the wedding registry, which I'm actually kind of pumped about. Not the actual task itself (who wants to meet 200 strangers in an hour) but the fact that I don't have to be a bridesmaid. She kept it small. After tomorrow, she's going to be Mr. Edward Burl Sponseller. Not a great name, but he's a really great guy... I like him a lot.
My mommy's coming to take me out to lunch in a few minutes... exciting stuff.
But apparently, full moon = big news day. And not necessarily the good kind of news. Before 11, we've already had a fire and a motorcycle crash. I'm just kind of sitting here waiting for the plagues to hit.
And, generally speaking, I kind of feel like the office is in a slight state of chaos today. Its the last day for one of our reporters, and its a Friday, which I'm sure had fed into the mess.
People in Morgan County are mean to each other. Not necessarily violent mean, but mean-spirited mean. Its just an observation from my first 5 weeks (halfway point, YAY). You would not even believe the horrible things people say to each other on message boards. Here is my favorite one. We had to take this comment down from the website...we take all the ones with profanity, violent threats or lewd comments down--
"I wouldn't piss in your ear if your brain were on fire."
Now, I'm not going to give any names or even info about the situation its about... but its quite possibly the best, most creative stupid, hateful thing anyone has ever said.
I now use it daily.
Last night I slept in Lauren's room and we played "truth or dare" while we were falling asleep --(after we watched the best movie with the most horrible ending..."the Painted Veil"-- and I dared her to say it to Dad sometime today. And it has to be a time where he's not necessarily in a joking mood...maybe even when they are arguing about something. On second thought, she should wait until the Reds are on tonight, they always put him in the worst mood. A mood so bad, that even when I tell him I'm making a phone call, my friend Joanna still got to listen to my dad's rendition of Geaorge Carlin's "seven words you can never say on television" on her voicemail.
I'm not bitter, or anything. I'm also not bitter about the fact that 10 p.m., my weeknight bedtime, is apparently the time of night he must do all things that make a lot of noise. Honk the horn in the driveway...Run the mini-steam cleaner...Yell at the reds for blowing a two-run lead...those are just a few examples.
My dear friend Nichole is getting married tomorrow in souther michigan...I get to handle the wedding registry, which I'm actually kind of pumped about. Not the actual task itself (who wants to meet 200 strangers in an hour) but the fact that I don't have to be a bridesmaid. She kept it small. After tomorrow, she's going to be Mr. Edward Burl Sponseller. Not a great name, but he's a really great guy... I like him a lot.
My mommy's coming to take me out to lunch in a few minutes... exciting stuff.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
It's a day for Quotes
I'm in a mood to not have anything to say. I just want to surround myself with what other people have to say, stuff that moves me but lets me remain where I am at the same time. Here is some of what I've been reading...
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." - E. B. White
"I love the rain the most when it stops." - Joe Purdy
"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." - Aristotle
"So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young." - John Mayer
"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." - Martin Luther King, Jr
"You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do." - Anne Lamott
"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing." - C. S. Lewis
"Goodbye is the best way that I know to forgive, and still be letting go." - Dave Barnes
"I can accept anything, except what seems to be the easiest for most people: the halfway, the almost, the in-between." Dominique, The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
"I think writer means you show people some beauty, you engage them in a story, you let them know that their life is much bigger and better than they thought it was, and to some degree you help people know that as a human being we really have a lot to identify with each other. And that's kind of it. I don't see my calling as being too much bigger than that." - Donald Miller
"There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it." - Christopher Darlington Morley
"If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France
"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn." - Alvin Toffler
"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love." - Mother Teresa
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson
"Amos could think about Jesus for hours, how he inverted the status quo and begged us to lay down our weapons, how (and his is a stunner, as far as Amos was concerned) one of the tests scholars apply to the Gospels, in trying to determine what might be legitimately ascribed to Jesus, is this: what speech, what gesture, is the most unlikely in first-century Palestine? Find those, and ecce homo, you've found the Man." -- The Solace of Leaving Early, Haven Kimmel
"Goody, I love you."- Derek Morgan
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." - E. B. White
"I love the rain the most when it stops." - Joe Purdy
"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." - Aristotle
"So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young." - John Mayer
"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." - Martin Luther King, Jr
"You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do." - Anne Lamott
"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing." - C. S. Lewis
"Goodbye is the best way that I know to forgive, and still be letting go." - Dave Barnes
"I can accept anything, except what seems to be the easiest for most people: the halfway, the almost, the in-between." Dominique, The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
"I think writer means you show people some beauty, you engage them in a story, you let them know that their life is much bigger and better than they thought it was, and to some degree you help people know that as a human being we really have a lot to identify with each other. And that's kind of it. I don't see my calling as being too much bigger than that." - Donald Miller
"There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it." - Christopher Darlington Morley
"If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France
"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn." - Alvin Toffler
"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love." - Mother Teresa
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson
"Amos could think about Jesus for hours, how he inverted the status quo and begged us to lay down our weapons, how (and his is a stunner, as far as Amos was concerned) one of the tests scholars apply to the Gospels, in trying to determine what might be legitimately ascribed to Jesus, is this: what speech, what gesture, is the most unlikely in first-century Palestine? Find those, and ecce homo, you've found the Man." -- The Solace of Leaving Early, Haven Kimmel
"Goody, I love you."- Derek Morgan
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
My ever-so-quiet life
My summer life is a quiet one. I know that I'm working on a newspaper, a daily. And there's a lot of hustle and bustle associated with interviews, deadlines, many phone calls, readers and sources calling to yell (I mean, complain) at you.
But at 4:00 I leave the office. And I'm alone for a half hour. Sometimes I'm on the phone, but not often. I get to listen to "All Things Considered," and just... think. About people and current events. My thoughts do not have to carry over into anything. I'm not going to be graded on them, and I won't be forced into some classroom discussion. They belong to me and only me.
A little while ago I was home alone for 10 days. My little sister went on a mission trip and my parent's went on their 25th anniversary trip. That house is so quiet when I'm the only one there. Sometimes I kept the TV or the radio on so there'd be noise, and I wouldn't have to resort to talking to myself. But a lot of the time, it was just me. And the quiet. I spent a few nights with friends but they all have real lives. There was one Friday night when everyone had plans, and I thought about going to see "Knocked up" by myself, then changed my mind and rented "Running with Scissors," "Little Children" and "Because I Said So" (I promise I can justify why I rented this movie). I also picked up a bottle of Oliver's while I was out. I came home and opened the bottle, cleaned the kitchen and made dinner. Sat down with dinner and watched all 1.5 movies before falling asleep BEFORE 10 p.m. It was a very slow, quiet night.
And I kind of feel like that is defining my whole summer. Yes, I'm learning a lot and getting my byline in the paper 2-3 times a week. It is a significant time in my life, but a quiet one. No drama to speak of, even with my little sister in my life. I haven't been really angry about anything in so long. 10 p.m. is my bedtime. Last night, it was 9. I was exhausted from, I don't know what. Sitting at this desk all day putting out copy for the county fair articles? Making 59,000 unreturned phone calls? Maybe its just the knowledge that I'm putting in 40 hours a week. A full-time job is a beast to me. I'm learning how to do my best, and still have a life.
I at the midway point in this internship, and I do like it. I like the people in the office and the work I've done so far. But I am so, SO ready to go back to school. Its going to be a piece of cake, and I think I'll get my life back.
Have I ever told you how much I love Joe Purdy? I, of course, have to give my friend Tabitha all the credit for the discovery, but he's fantastic. He has like, seven albums that he's independently put out and you can buy them all on itunes. He's folky without being annoying, and his voice just makes me long for something when I hear it. I'm not sure what, but something...
But at 4:00 I leave the office. And I'm alone for a half hour. Sometimes I'm on the phone, but not often. I get to listen to "All Things Considered," and just... think. About people and current events. My thoughts do not have to carry over into anything. I'm not going to be graded on them, and I won't be forced into some classroom discussion. They belong to me and only me.
A little while ago I was home alone for 10 days. My little sister went on a mission trip and my parent's went on their 25th anniversary trip. That house is so quiet when I'm the only one there. Sometimes I kept the TV or the radio on so there'd be noise, and I wouldn't have to resort to talking to myself. But a lot of the time, it was just me. And the quiet. I spent a few nights with friends but they all have real lives. There was one Friday night when everyone had plans, and I thought about going to see "Knocked up" by myself, then changed my mind and rented "Running with Scissors," "Little Children" and "Because I Said So" (I promise I can justify why I rented this movie). I also picked up a bottle of Oliver's while I was out. I came home and opened the bottle, cleaned the kitchen and made dinner. Sat down with dinner and watched all 1.5 movies before falling asleep BEFORE 10 p.m. It was a very slow, quiet night.
And I kind of feel like that is defining my whole summer. Yes, I'm learning a lot and getting my byline in the paper 2-3 times a week. It is a significant time in my life, but a quiet one. No drama to speak of, even with my little sister in my life. I haven't been really angry about anything in so long. 10 p.m. is my bedtime. Last night, it was 9. I was exhausted from, I don't know what. Sitting at this desk all day putting out copy for the county fair articles? Making 59,000 unreturned phone calls? Maybe its just the knowledge that I'm putting in 40 hours a week. A full-time job is a beast to me. I'm learning how to do my best, and still have a life.
I at the midway point in this internship, and I do like it. I like the people in the office and the work I've done so far. But I am so, SO ready to go back to school. Its going to be a piece of cake, and I think I'll get my life back.
Have I ever told you how much I love Joe Purdy? I, of course, have to give my friend Tabitha all the credit for the discovery, but he's fantastic. He has like, seven albums that he's independently put out and you can buy them all on itunes. He's folky without being annoying, and his voice just makes me long for something when I hear it. I'm not sure what, but something...
Monday, June 04, 2007
My first week in a newsroom
There has been so much happening, but not very much time to sit and process it all. I'm at work right now, with a few minutes before I've got to go into my editor's office for a staff meeting. This reporter thing is serious business. I only worked four days last week because of the holiday weekend, but I've written like 6-7 stories. A lot of them are briefs, but its seriously probably more than what I wrote all of last semester. I have had two top-of-the-fold, front page stories written... and Brian (my editor) made me write a column introducing myself to the Morgan County community. I hate columns, but this one went okay for me. I think it turned out pretty well, I've gotten a few compliments. Brian told me to connect myself to the county in some way. And I really have only one story that can do that for me... and the main character is Sarah the cow. It was fun to write.
You can check out all the Martinsville, Ind. happenings at www.reporter-times.com. If you're bored you can read about my bovine counterpart in the columns section.
I really didn't think that I was a very tense person before last week. But I've realized that I tense up when I'm writing. Even more so when I'm writing on deadline. My shoulders are aching right now. And my neck keeps cracking. I miss my dorm bed... the beautifully dirty but oh-so-soft mattress on a metal spring frame. I'll never sleep as well as I did those nights in Roush Hall. I've resorted a few nights to taking a half dose of Nyquil to help me sleep. I might as well just booze up before I hit the sack. Its the same effect. Five-six hours a night is just not going to cut it this summer.... I need my eight. Which means giving myself a 10:30 curfew on weeknights.
I'm not trying to complain. Actually, things are going amazingly well for me. Aside from the fact that I haven't seen my friends in over a week. I just have to figure out how my schedule is going to work out, and when Amy's done with classes, we'll have more time to hang out. I've spent a lot of mom time lately, though, and I'm loving it. She's a really great pal. We're bonding over weight watchers, my new summer project. My mom's really good at the whole points things...finding out how to eat the most for the least points possible. I told her that and she asked me if its because she's cheap, something my little sister usually calls her when she doesn't want to spend $50 on a worn-out tee shirt from Hollister bares too much midriff. But I told her she's just economically-savvy. I'm so the better daughter.
So that's the update.... its meeting time.
You can check out all the Martinsville, Ind. happenings at www.reporter-times.com. If you're bored you can read about my bovine counterpart in the columns section.
I really didn't think that I was a very tense person before last week. But I've realized that I tense up when I'm writing. Even more so when I'm writing on deadline. My shoulders are aching right now. And my neck keeps cracking. I miss my dorm bed... the beautifully dirty but oh-so-soft mattress on a metal spring frame. I'll never sleep as well as I did those nights in Roush Hall. I've resorted a few nights to taking a half dose of Nyquil to help me sleep. I might as well just booze up before I hit the sack. Its the same effect. Five-six hours a night is just not going to cut it this summer.... I need my eight. Which means giving myself a 10:30 curfew on weeknights.
I'm not trying to complain. Actually, things are going amazingly well for me. Aside from the fact that I haven't seen my friends in over a week. I just have to figure out how my schedule is going to work out, and when Amy's done with classes, we'll have more time to hang out. I've spent a lot of mom time lately, though, and I'm loving it. She's a really great pal. We're bonding over weight watchers, my new summer project. My mom's really good at the whole points things...finding out how to eat the most for the least points possible. I told her that and she asked me if its because she's cheap, something my little sister usually calls her when she doesn't want to spend $50 on a worn-out tee shirt from Hollister bares too much midriff. But I told her she's just economically-savvy. I'm so the better daughter.
So that's the update.... its meeting time.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
This is home...
Got home late in the afternoon on Thurs. Crying ensued when I realized that I was living at home for the entire summer. It was something I was supressing... didn't want't to believe that I am doing it again. Its not that I don't love my house, or my family, or my church or great home-friends...its just... there's a lot of drama that comes with living in this house. And I'm a little bit weary of drama. But my beautiful, newly English roommate came and stayed with us yesterday and I went to my first bar with my friends for my belated birthday bash. Nick's English Hut on Kirkwood, we had a lot of fun. Sat next to a table full of men and women in their 60's. I bet they thought we were babies. I kind of felt like one.
That's all for now...would write more if there were more to say. I have a 9 days until I go to work. 7 days until I must attend my friend Rach's baby shower. So weird that she's having a baby. Even weirder that she's naming her son Chandler.... Lord, help me not to laugh uncontrollably at this baby shower.
That's all for now...would write more if there were more to say. I have a 9 days until I go to work. 7 days until I must attend my friend Rach's baby shower. So weird that she's having a baby. Even weirder that she's naming her son Chandler.... Lord, help me not to laugh uncontrollably at this baby shower.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Finals, please be over soon
Three finals left, one magazine article to finish and a reflection essay to write. All happening tomorrow. Life sucks right now, but it will be better if I make it to tomorrow night.
Gilmore Girls is ending tonight. Definitely have mixed feelings about it...feel like this season has been disgusting. Full hour episodes that can be summarized in 35 seconds over the phone to my best friend in England... because nothing happens in this show anymore. But I am excited for the finale, and I can't even watch it live. Must beg my mother to tape it for me, then watch it Thur. when I get home. Damn you, responsibility. Why must you make me sacrifice my girls for studying?!
Gilmore Girls is ending tonight. Definitely have mixed feelings about it...feel like this season has been disgusting. Full hour episodes that can be summarized in 35 seconds over the phone to my best friend in England... because nothing happens in this show anymore. But I am excited for the finale, and I can't even watch it live. Must beg my mother to tape it for me, then watch it Thur. when I get home. Damn you, responsibility. Why must you make me sacrifice my girls for studying?!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
there is no way to cleverly title this post
Okay, so I haven't updated in awhile. But I don't feel like I've anything to write. Except for the fact that I got four dvd's at Movie Gallery for $18 on Tuesday--Stage Beauty, Rent, The Village and Friends with Money. I'd never seen Stage Beauty or Friends With Money before, but I really liked them, so apparently it was a good gamble.
Even if I'd have hated them, Tab would have bought them from me. She loves to own really bad movies. She also likes to own really good movies. So I guess she just likes movies. Gee, that was kind of a repetitive paragraph.
Stage beauty is about the drastic change of theatre in the 1700's, when the King of England proclaimed that women could perform on the stage. Billy Crudup's character, at the time, was the most famous leading lady, and his dresser, Claire Danes replaces him when the it becomes illegal for men to play women on stage. The whole film deals with gender identity. What did it do to men who were so good at being feminine that it started to change their sexuality? It is really sexual, but not really graphic. For a movie that is all about whether or not you have a particular appendage, I thought it was really tasteful. And I love Billy Crudup. He's beautiful and he plays these amazing roles. It was a little weird for me to see him dressed as a women, and gay, but he was so real about it all. His mannerisms were terrific. This film is kind of like Shakespeare in love, but I think I like it better because it is so much more realistic, and there wasn't really any adultery--I cannot stomach watching adultery, it just ruins a movie for me.
Friends with Money was good but not great. It was kind of like a slice of life film, rather than a story that begins, reaches some kind of climax then ends. I like these kind of movies, I really do. I get caught up in scenes individually, I think. And the dialogue and conversations they have. It was almost like a play more than a movie. Lots of talk, talk, talk, and very little action of any kind. Jennifer Aniston bugged me though. She played the exact same character as she did in The Good Girl, which I really hated. So creepy, yuck. Joan Cusack was amazing in it though. I can't explain it, but it was like she finally discovered a way to not play so freaking quarky and weird. She's funny that way, but it was nice to see her in a different kind of role.
So, these movies were good. It feels good to process them like this on here. I don't know anyone else who's see them yet, so I can't really talk about them with anybody.
So the Huntingtonian came out today, and I was finally satisfied with how my column turned out. I think it's because I knew exactly what and who I wanted to target. The trick was getting my point across without anyone reading it and feeling attacked. I hate confrontation, and I don't feel like I have the right to attack people in that capacity. Its not really fair, they don't have 350 words a month to bitch about the world or the institution or whatever injustice that is the most trendy righ now. So I try to slip my agenda in there. Here it is, if you're curious.
Integrity Wins, no contest
I distinctly remember sitting on the floor of the locker room. It was all a vicious rumor, he said. Staring up at him and his tear-stained cheeks, I felt sorry and guilty for the accusations and gossip that came out of my mouth in that very room. He said he was innocent, and I believed him.
Oh, to be young and naïve again. Appearances aren’t always what they seem. You might add, especially when it comes to those in roles of leadership.
I learned this the hard way. We all do. I’d be naïve to think that you had never been let down by someone you trusted—a teacher, a parent, a sports hero, an administrator or friend.
My first lesson of integrity—or lack thereof—came from my coach in high school. His affair with one of his assistants destroyed any relationship we had. Even if it meant having to break in a new coach my senior basketball season, I couldn’t wait until we lost in the sectional so he could be out of my life.
The more it happens to me—the more the people I admire let me down—the more this theory I have starts to ring true. It is not the indiscretion, but the cover-up that is so unbearable.
If you mess up, I’ll get over it. It happens. People disappoint, foul up and even commit crimes. But you lie to me, and you’re a double offender.
It might not be fair, the fact that we hold our leaders to a higher standard. But that’s not important, really. What matters is that we do our part to keep integrity thriving in our community.
The rumor is out that integrity is a dying concept. That the end is far greater than the means you take to get there.
But success means nothing if we are going about it in the wrong way. I’m scared that our love of prestige—awards, championships and accolades—has begun to trump honesty and hard work.
On the grand scale of things that really matter, we know right will always beat wrong. The truth can always defeat a lie, and integrity will live on.
Wouldn’t it be great to come out on the winning side?
Even if I'd have hated them, Tab would have bought them from me. She loves to own really bad movies. She also likes to own really good movies. So I guess she just likes movies. Gee, that was kind of a repetitive paragraph.
Stage beauty is about the drastic change of theatre in the 1700's, when the King of England proclaimed that women could perform on the stage. Billy Crudup's character, at the time, was the most famous leading lady, and his dresser, Claire Danes replaces him when the it becomes illegal for men to play women on stage. The whole film deals with gender identity. What did it do to men who were so good at being feminine that it started to change their sexuality? It is really sexual, but not really graphic. For a movie that is all about whether or not you have a particular appendage, I thought it was really tasteful. And I love Billy Crudup. He's beautiful and he plays these amazing roles. It was a little weird for me to see him dressed as a women, and gay, but he was so real about it all. His mannerisms were terrific. This film is kind of like Shakespeare in love, but I think I like it better because it is so much more realistic, and there wasn't really any adultery--I cannot stomach watching adultery, it just ruins a movie for me.
Friends with Money was good but not great. It was kind of like a slice of life film, rather than a story that begins, reaches some kind of climax then ends. I like these kind of movies, I really do. I get caught up in scenes individually, I think. And the dialogue and conversations they have. It was almost like a play more than a movie. Lots of talk, talk, talk, and very little action of any kind. Jennifer Aniston bugged me though. She played the exact same character as she did in The Good Girl, which I really hated. So creepy, yuck. Joan Cusack was amazing in it though. I can't explain it, but it was like she finally discovered a way to not play so freaking quarky and weird. She's funny that way, but it was nice to see her in a different kind of role.
So, these movies were good. It feels good to process them like this on here. I don't know anyone else who's see them yet, so I can't really talk about them with anybody.
So the Huntingtonian came out today, and I was finally satisfied with how my column turned out. I think it's because I knew exactly what and who I wanted to target. The trick was getting my point across without anyone reading it and feeling attacked. I hate confrontation, and I don't feel like I have the right to attack people in that capacity. Its not really fair, they don't have 350 words a month to bitch about the world or the institution or whatever injustice that is the most trendy righ now. So I try to slip my agenda in there. Here it is, if you're curious.
Integrity Wins, no contest
A single lie destroys a whole reputation of integrity. - Baltasar Gracian
I distinctly remember sitting on the floor of the locker room. It was all a vicious rumor, he said. Staring up at him and his tear-stained cheeks, I felt sorry and guilty for the accusations and gossip that came out of my mouth in that very room. He said he was innocent, and I believed him.
Oh, to be young and naïve again. Appearances aren’t always what they seem. You might add, especially when it comes to those in roles of leadership.
I learned this the hard way. We all do. I’d be naïve to think that you had never been let down by someone you trusted—a teacher, a parent, a sports hero, an administrator or friend.
My first lesson of integrity—or lack thereof—came from my coach in high school. His affair with one of his assistants destroyed any relationship we had. Even if it meant having to break in a new coach my senior basketball season, I couldn’t wait until we lost in the sectional so he could be out of my life.
The more it happens to me—the more the people I admire let me down—the more this theory I have starts to ring true. It is not the indiscretion, but the cover-up that is so unbearable.
If you mess up, I’ll get over it. It happens. People disappoint, foul up and even commit crimes. But you lie to me, and you’re a double offender.
It might not be fair, the fact that we hold our leaders to a higher standard. But that’s not important, really. What matters is that we do our part to keep integrity thriving in our community.
The rumor is out that integrity is a dying concept. That the end is far greater than the means you take to get there.
But success means nothing if we are going about it in the wrong way. I’m scared that our love of prestige—awards, championships and accolades—has begun to trump honesty and hard work.
On the grand scale of things that really matter, we know right will always beat wrong. The truth can always defeat a lie, and integrity will live on.
Wouldn’t it be great to come out on the winning side?
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
The burden's gone now
For the past three weeks, since the bloody day I mailed in my Pulliam internship application, I haven't been sleeping well. I have these sores on the inside of my cheeks, because I've been biting my mouth in my sleep, and I'm lucky if I sleep four consecutive hours. This is not me. I am a unabashed heavy, sometimes to the point of snoring, sleeper. But this is a huge thing.... where am I going to intern? Where am I going to live this summer...? I like the unknown as long as it is not imminently upon me.
So I'm not sure that its a coincidence that mere hours after I got the call, telling me I'd won a Pulliam internship for the summer, that I fell asleep for three hours, from 6-9 p.m. No more unknown. Nothing more to worry about. What am I going to do with myself. Sleep, and sleep some more.
I'm so excited. I'll be working at the Martinsville Reporter-Times and living at home. I'll still get to do stuff with OVCF, and my bestest friend Shelle is going to be finally spending a summer at home. So we'll get to see loads of each other.
The actual newspaper part, though, leaves me a little nervous. But there is no point in getting nervous about that now. It will be hard work but, its kind of my dream, so I guess I'm going to love it.
So I'm not sure that its a coincidence that mere hours after I got the call, telling me I'd won a Pulliam internship for the summer, that I fell asleep for three hours, from 6-9 p.m. No more unknown. Nothing more to worry about. What am I going to do with myself. Sleep, and sleep some more.
I'm so excited. I'll be working at the Martinsville Reporter-Times and living at home. I'll still get to do stuff with OVCF, and my bestest friend Shelle is going to be finally spending a summer at home. So we'll get to see loads of each other.
The actual newspaper part, though, leaves me a little nervous. But there is no point in getting nervous about that now. It will be hard work but, its kind of my dream, so I guess I'm going to love it.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Spring Break was really good, and coming back to school was kind of harsh. Prob and Stat Exam, huge feature story due, anxiously awaiting my rejection letter from the Pulliam Foundation. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to get a full nights sleep again. I blame my stupid worrying, but I also blame my new habit. I've started to go to bed early, then set my alarm early in the morning so that I can study/finish my assignment for my 9:00 so that I can get more sleep. This does not tur S out very well, sadly. And I've started to get these sores on the inside of my cheeks, and Slang told me that her dentist said that its a stress thing--she's been doing the same thing. And I've been dreaming a whole lot more, lately. Disturbing dreams, where I'm the bad guy. I don't like being the bad guy.
I figured out my schedule for next semester and filled out my graduation application. A handful of required classes and I'm done with school. So scary. I don't even know what I want to do with myself tomorrow afternoon, let alone after school. I am thinking that I really want to go to graduate school, but this is going to mean taking out loans and thats scary on a whole other level. IUPUI has this masters in media studies program that looks really fun, but who knows what I'll want to do next year.
Just venting until I got tired enough to close my eyes. I think I'm there.
I figured out my schedule for next semester and filled out my graduation application. A handful of required classes and I'm done with school. So scary. I don't even know what I want to do with myself tomorrow afternoon, let alone after school. I am thinking that I really want to go to graduate school, but this is going to mean taking out loans and thats scary on a whole other level. IUPUI has this masters in media studies program that looks really fun, but who knows what I'll want to do next year.
Just venting until I got tired enough to close my eyes. I think I'm there.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
To the friend that I miss
Dear friend,
I'm angry with you. And I know it isn't all your fault--I am prepared to shoulder some of the blame. But seriously, where have you been? Weekly phone calls have ceased and you aren't even responding to my emails anymore. I'm starting to feel like a desperate, needy friend. Kind of like a role-reversal, no offense. But when you contacted me this fall I knew it was because you didn't feel like you had anyone else. And I was there. It was awkward as hell to be there for you, listening to the really adult problems you were going through and not telling you my opinion when you were backsliding a little. But you got stronger, and you got happier. Which made me so happy, you have no idea how good it feels to know that you are moving forward from this, that you're going to be okay. But really friend, I'm starting to feel like since you don't need me anymore, you're not going to make the effort to keep our friendship alive. You've done this before, and I feel like we are reverting back to our old habits.
If I've done anything, or said anything, to make you want to stay away, I'd like to know so that I can understand why this is happening. And even if it is something going on completely on your end, I'd still like to know why this relationship doesn't seem to be in existence anymore. I have plenty of spare time this semester, you don't have to feel weird about calling me, promise. I don't have to make time for you anymore, I have the time to be your friend. I didn't have that time last semester, but I made sure I was available. And now that Sarah isn't here, you are the person who I'm the closest to emotionally, and you aren't returning my calls/emails. Why, friend? I'm the one who needs you now, can't you pick up on that? I don't want a huge commitment. I just want to stay caught up in your life so I know how I can be praying for you, how you are doing. And it would be nice to have someone I can be vulnerable with... because I just don't have that without you and Sarah.
I'm sure that this letter isn't fair, I'm just venting my frustrations. I'll be okay if this thing dies again, I know I will. But I was so sure we were going to be okay this time. That this was the journey we were supposed to take, that God was a part of you coming back into my life, in a new, completely friends, no-awkwardness way. I'll be okay, but it doesn't mean it hurts less right now.
Sincerely,
Sarah
I'm angry with you. And I know it isn't all your fault--I am prepared to shoulder some of the blame. But seriously, where have you been? Weekly phone calls have ceased and you aren't even responding to my emails anymore. I'm starting to feel like a desperate, needy friend. Kind of like a role-reversal, no offense. But when you contacted me this fall I knew it was because you didn't feel like you had anyone else. And I was there. It was awkward as hell to be there for you, listening to the really adult problems you were going through and not telling you my opinion when you were backsliding a little. But you got stronger, and you got happier. Which made me so happy, you have no idea how good it feels to know that you are moving forward from this, that you're going to be okay. But really friend, I'm starting to feel like since you don't need me anymore, you're not going to make the effort to keep our friendship alive. You've done this before, and I feel like we are reverting back to our old habits.
If I've done anything, or said anything, to make you want to stay away, I'd like to know so that I can understand why this is happening. And even if it is something going on completely on your end, I'd still like to know why this relationship doesn't seem to be in existence anymore. I have plenty of spare time this semester, you don't have to feel weird about calling me, promise. I don't have to make time for you anymore, I have the time to be your friend. I didn't have that time last semester, but I made sure I was available. And now that Sarah isn't here, you are the person who I'm the closest to emotionally, and you aren't returning my calls/emails. Why, friend? I'm the one who needs you now, can't you pick up on that? I don't want a huge commitment. I just want to stay caught up in your life so I know how I can be praying for you, how you are doing. And it would be nice to have someone I can be vulnerable with... because I just don't have that without you and Sarah.
I'm sure that this letter isn't fair, I'm just venting my frustrations. I'll be okay if this thing dies again, I know I will. But I was so sure we were going to be okay this time. That this was the journey we were supposed to take, that God was a part of you coming back into my life, in a new, completely friends, no-awkwardness way. I'll be okay, but it doesn't mean it hurts less right now.
Sincerely,
Sarah
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