Sometimes I feel like I'm becoming two very different people. Specifically, a minister and a journalist. Fitting, I know, since I'm an ed. ministries/journalism double major. The only reason I came to Huntington was because God gave me the means to be here, and I have always believed that God is blessing me by letting me pursue journalism. Anywhere else, I would be a ministry major, just a ministry major.
But here I am, living two lives. One is like home to me. Working on the Huntingtonian and writing and copy editing... all of these things feel like an extension of myself. I'm the most comfortable and pleased with myself when I'm working on a newspaper. And I'm good at it, not just competent. I know that I'm good at it. I've never felt more confident about anything. And since I was 12 this is what I saw myself doing with my life.
My minstry self is at most times completely void of any self confidence. Working at a church this summer was so hard, giving so much of myself to students drained me everyday. And I just don't feel like any of my large group teachings went very well. Even when I would have to stand up in front of the church, just to give a 30 second announcement, my body and voice would shake. God gave me encouragement everywhere though, but especially in the junior high girls small group I had at my house. I miss those girls so much.
When I turned 16, I realized that my plans are not always what God has for me. Now I know that I'm called to work with students fulltime. And I've always looked at journalism like something I have to give up when the time comes to go into vocational ministry. In high school my thoughts about my future were rigid like that... God was calling me to give up my dreams of being a journalist and become a youth minister. Now I know that I'm not two people. I know that all of gifts and talents, as well as my deficiencies, are all a part of my calling from God. Its just frustrating because how it all is going to fit together is completely beyond my understanding. And I think that, even though I love journalism and the fact that I'm so good at it is appealing, that it is not always something that is beneficial to me because so much of it comes from me... my talents, my writing, my knowledge. My ministry is always going to come from God, because let's face it, I kind of suck at it right now. The only time things are good is when I don't feel like I'm doing any of the work, but the spirit is taking what I've prepared and speaking through it.
So this is something I've been struggling with for awhile. Why would God create me to be so good at one thing, and call me into a totally different vocation? I think that His biggest answer is dependence. He doesn't want me to lean on my own talents and understanding, but to cling to him to get me through. I have no idea why he thinks I'm a worthy enough spokesperson, but I think that in my ministry the message is always going to end up being more appealing than the messenger, which does give me comfort in all this uncertainty.
1 comment:
Nice to see you writing again...
And this is an interesting position to be in. But I don't believe that God gives us gifts that he doesn't want us to use... so its never as simple as being able to just do one thing.
At the same time - even in the things that we have gifts in - God constantly reminds us of our weakness and pushes us to lean on him.
As everything - when you're in the middle of this kind of question - sit back and pray and follow both... God opens the right doors and later you see how it all worked together... God works in our weakness - but he also gave us our strengths for a reason.
Praying for you...
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