Why does friendship feel so heavy?

I'm just going to start writing... I'm not quite sure what I want to say yet. Usually I have a particular thought I want to get down, but tonight I'm not sure what I want to say. This week I'm a little dissatisfied with myself. I don't feel like a good enough student, a good enough daughter, a good enough friend. But I'm not sure why I can't get there. Why I can't be the person I know I can be, the person I've successfully been before. My roommate Skeyse and I were talking about this "blah" feeling we've both had this fall, and she thinks it might just be a junior thing. But I think that its something more with me.

I'm going to be honest and say that I haven't been feeling too great lately. All I want to do is sleep, and on Saturdays I've done just that. I'll sleep a little more than 30 hours in a weekend. I get eight hours on weeknights and on the weekends I feel like I have to catch up. My energy just isn't there, and it frustrates me. I've been distancing myself from everyone around me but Skeyse. And she's going to Oxford next semester, so if I don't remedy this its going to be one lonely spring. But that doesn't even scare me, Sarah leaving, which, to me, is a sign that something is wrong. And I want to deal with it, if I could pinpoint why I feel the way I do. I'm afraid that if I have this room to myself all I will do is keep to myself. I'm becoming this hardcore loner and I don't know where it is coming from.

I've also been hit with the realization that all of my friends have monumental problems in their lives, and I'm so frustrated about it. Why does so much hurt exist? Why would someone's father do/say that to her? Why would this beautiful girl be anorexic, and why couldn't I see her struggling with it? Everyone is so broken, I'm broken, and who is there to fix it? I know the answer but right now it seems far from my reality.

When I was younger I prayed for God to give me compassion. Right now I wish my heart were harder, because it really aches inside, to feel this much sorrow for someone else. Her situation has completely thrown me off my axis and I don't feel like I can get oriented again. My heart is so heavy, and her problem seems so huge. And somehow, though I've ignored her issue for almost five years, she still feels like I've been there for her. I wasn't a friend to her at all, not in the way she really needed me. It was so superficial, and even when it was deep, those conversations were superficial, or about me. I used to pour my soul out to her, and I never stopped to see that she might need to bare her soul to me. I don't think it was becuase she didn't want to tell me, I honestly think I never gave her the opportunity.

Now, my friend, your heartache has moved me to tears. I can't stop crying for what you've been through, for how much you still have to deal with, and for the beauty I can see in your story--God moving in your life. I wish you would call so we could have a real conversation. I just want to listen to what your feeling so that I can be praying for you. I have do something, to try and get rid of this heaviness.