So in my Capstone Seminar we had to write essays about ourselves. I really don't like writing about myself at all. But its nice that our prof. wants to get to know us I guess. This class is all about sorting through everything you've gotten out of life at Huntington, and I'm excited about it. Anyway... below is my essay. The whole time I was writing it I felt like I was blogging. So I guess posting it makes sense.
Self Reflection Essay
I’ve never been very sure of how to start essays like this without sounding trite, or like I’m describing myself in some sort of singles advertisement. But I guess I’ll just start with the basics. I’m twenty years old and in my third year at HU. I started out as a double major, studying youth ministry and journalism but I recently dropped down to a youth ministry minor. My routine 18-credit hour semesters are behind me and I actually have time to read for my classes now. And I get to read for fun, and breath. Breathing is good. This year I have also been serving as the editor in chief of The Huntingtonian, which has occupied a lot of hours and thought in my life this year, but I absolutely love being a part of it.
I am the second of three daughters born to two people who grew up in the same little Indiana town, became teachers and got married. My dad is a basketball coach and therefore has moved us from one tiny Indiana town to another—he even spent two years coaching at a tiny college in Ohio—essentially in pursuit of winning a few games. Both of my parents came from a Christian background, but their personal faith was kind of shallow for most of my childhood. It has been just the last few years, as my faith was radically changing, that my parents’ did as well. But church was always important for them, and their background helped to build a few foundational truths in my life that I really believe have driven me to where I am—the existence of an almighty and loving God and the importance of being a part of a church family. Children’s church, Sunday school, Vacation Bible School and church camps helped to fill in all of the gaps for me and when I was nine I began to understand who Jesus was and what a monumental thing he did for me. I was baptized the summer before I started fourth grade.
My faith for about three years was much like my parents, shallow and without any real responsibility of action or service to God. Through junior high though, with youth group, some really great conferences I got to attend and summer camp, I started to realize what it looked like not to simply accept what Jesus did for me, but to live like Christ’s sacrifice meant something to me. When I was sixteen I attended a Christ in Youth conference in South Carolina with my youth group, and felt God calling me to prepare myself for a life of ministry. At the time I felt like if you were called to minister, it meant that it was to be a full-time vocation. I began teaching children’s church and my youth pastor Brad became a great mentor and brother-like presence in my life. I started my freshman year at Huntington double majoring in youth ministry and journalism, as I said before. It was always an internal struggle for me—I felt like I had to choose between youth ministry and journalism, something that I have a natural talent and passion for.
The past two and a half years at HU have taught me that every call from God is perfectly tailored to each individual. Working with youth will always be a priority in my life, but taking a leadership role in a church or ministry organization is not where God is calling me right now, it seems. But when God spoke to me at 16, I was limiting the possibilities he had for my life. I always thought that my persistence to study journalism was me being selfish, but I am almost sure that is where he wants me to be. But what am I going to do when this college stage of my life is over? I really couldn’t tell you. I’d love to be writing for a news outlet somewhere, and working with junior high students in some capacity as well, probably as a volunteer in an organization. But I’ve also played with the idea of graduate school; there is a media studies program in Indianapolis that I’ve been looking into. I love the fact that I don’t have to know right now, and that the possibilities for my life are almost completely wide open. Life plans and goals scare me. There is a sophomore on the newspaper staff that has this four-year plan written out for her life. The day she told me about it, I was so scared for her, and for me. But allowing God the room to maneuver in my life and to send me wherever, whenever—while it too seems scary—has given me the freedom to live each day as I would love to continue throughout the rest of my life. It has enabled me to continue being the student of my life, not the teacher. I’ve become the participant, not the planner. Giving up the control and taking God out of the box I kept him in for so many years has been liberating for me.
There are a few things that I believe define me as an individual but I am still far from being able to define who I am. Its fun to think of myself as a work in progress, someone who’s chasing after God’s heart who’s finding my own in the process of it all.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Sunday, January 14, 2007
I'm ready for something, anything.
"So, where do you go to school?" asked the friendly acquaintance.
"Huntington University," I said. "Its close to Ft. Wayne. "
"What is your major?"
"Journalism."
"Oh, so you're gonna change the world, huh?"
End of conversation.
I cannot even convey to you the number of times I have had this conversation since I started school. The next time someone asks me what I'm studying, I think I'll say I'm just here for my Mrs. degree. They'd probably be happier with that than to hear that I plan to be a part of the evil liberal media.
I just thought that this was a humorous pattern of conversation for me. I've begun to laugh a little when people ask me the question because I know how they are going to react to my answer. I don't know how aspiring to be a reporter became this joke to people. And at the opposite of that, a lot of people view it as this noble profession that's "going to change the world," as my acquaintances have often said to me tongue-in-cheek. Why can't it just be a career choice?Like studying business or English or biology. People assume that I have all of these convictions and that I'm a journalist because I need a means to carry out some kind of agenda. But there's no agenda. I'm just in love. With real, objective journalism. I love telling other people's stories. They are far more interesting than most anything that has ever happened to me.
And most times--in my very amateur experience writing thus far--the reward has not been the story with my byline at the top, but the interview process. When you ask just the right question, and the subject starts to open up to you like a friend and you can't scribble fast enough because everything they say is fantastic.
But this kind of (not really) leads me into something I've been struggling with. Lately, I don't feel like life is happening to me. Its like I'm a reporter in this capacity as well, and everyone else's stories fill my time and thoughts and life to a point where I don't even notice anything happening to me. And maybe that's it. Life just isn't happening to me right now, and the drama that comes with it has been missing for quite sometime (no complaints about this though). I'm in some sort of strange limbo. Let's look at a few examples.
One of my friends has been calling me with a life full of drama and indecision. And it all stemmed from a simple question her boss asked her--"What makes you the happiest?"She didn't have an answer for him. Warning signals started to sound as she realized that her answer probably should have been something like this--"When I'm spending time with my boyfriend." But she admits that she doesn't enjoy being with him anymore, but she doesn't want to deal with breaking up with him because they will probably split up when he heads off to grad school next year anyway. Tonight she told me that she is happy with him, but she knows she could be happier. Happy is happy, isn't that enough? I listened for awhile and we discussed and I played my famous role of devil's advocate until she got frustrated with the complexity of it all. But the conversation left me with one question...
When is life going to happen to me?
My old roommate is studying abroad in Oxford. She's overwhelmed most days but loving every minute of it. She doesn't get the chance to email very often, but when she does it is all about the people she's met and the places she's getting to see in both London and Oxford. Her classes start this week which are going to be so hard and she knows it, but I think she's excited to see if she's going to be able to cut it. To see how she'll fare among some of the brightest students in the world. I'm so happy for her through all of this, but it left me asking...
When is life going to happen to me?
My new roommate is in the middle of a budding relationship with a guy she's been friends with for 2 years. She gets giggly when she talks about him and anxious waiting for her cell phone to ring. His name pops up into almost every conversation we have and it has been really fun witnessing all of the "pre-lab" steps to their potential relationship. But seriously...
When is life going to happen to me?
I promise that I'm not just sitting in my room, waiting for something good to hit me over the head. I've felt so numb and in the middle of everyone's life lately that I feel like I'd take anything at the moment. Which leads me to one more story...
One of my closest friends is going through a divorce. He's 23. I know it sounds awful, especially when you know that his wife was cheating on him. With another woman. It has all of the stigma and religious complexity thrown into it to make it more hurtful than simply a broken relationship. And through all of it, he maintains that he still loves her. After nearly 6 months of her being emotionally absent in their marriage. After forcing him to live at his grandma's but still make payments on their home, a house that she's most likely sharing with her girlfriend most nights.
But three months later, my friend is picking up the fragments of his ideal life and starting to build something for himself that will hopefully exceed every dream and expectation he ever had for himself. He's going back to finish college and playing in his church's worship band, just trying to recover. I talk to him a lot about all the things he's learning and how much his life's changed so fast...
But when is life going to happen to me?
Maybe I'm a journalist because telling other people's stories is all I have right now. Maybe. And just maybe, I'll start to feel like I have my own stories to tell. Maybe. When life starts happening to me.
"Huntington University," I said. "Its close to Ft. Wayne. "
"What is your major?"
"Journalism."
"Oh, so you're gonna change the world, huh?"
End of conversation.
I cannot even convey to you the number of times I have had this conversation since I started school. The next time someone asks me what I'm studying, I think I'll say I'm just here for my Mrs. degree. They'd probably be happier with that than to hear that I plan to be a part of the evil liberal media.
I just thought that this was a humorous pattern of conversation for me. I've begun to laugh a little when people ask me the question because I know how they are going to react to my answer. I don't know how aspiring to be a reporter became this joke to people. And at the opposite of that, a lot of people view it as this noble profession that's "going to change the world," as my acquaintances have often said to me tongue-in-cheek. Why can't it just be a career choice?Like studying business or English or biology. People assume that I have all of these convictions and that I'm a journalist because I need a means to carry out some kind of agenda. But there's no agenda. I'm just in love. With real, objective journalism. I love telling other people's stories. They are far more interesting than most anything that has ever happened to me.
And most times--in my very amateur experience writing thus far--the reward has not been the story with my byline at the top, but the interview process. When you ask just the right question, and the subject starts to open up to you like a friend and you can't scribble fast enough because everything they say is fantastic.
But this kind of (not really) leads me into something I've been struggling with. Lately, I don't feel like life is happening to me. Its like I'm a reporter in this capacity as well, and everyone else's stories fill my time and thoughts and life to a point where I don't even notice anything happening to me. And maybe that's it. Life just isn't happening to me right now, and the drama that comes with it has been missing for quite sometime (no complaints about this though). I'm in some sort of strange limbo. Let's look at a few examples.
One of my friends has been calling me with a life full of drama and indecision. And it all stemmed from a simple question her boss asked her--"What makes you the happiest?"She didn't have an answer for him. Warning signals started to sound as she realized that her answer probably should have been something like this--"When I'm spending time with my boyfriend." But she admits that she doesn't enjoy being with him anymore, but she doesn't want to deal with breaking up with him because they will probably split up when he heads off to grad school next year anyway. Tonight she told me that she is happy with him, but she knows she could be happier. Happy is happy, isn't that enough? I listened for awhile and we discussed and I played my famous role of devil's advocate until she got frustrated with the complexity of it all. But the conversation left me with one question...
When is life going to happen to me?
My old roommate is studying abroad in Oxford. She's overwhelmed most days but loving every minute of it. She doesn't get the chance to email very often, but when she does it is all about the people she's met and the places she's getting to see in both London and Oxford. Her classes start this week which are going to be so hard and she knows it, but I think she's excited to see if she's going to be able to cut it. To see how she'll fare among some of the brightest students in the world. I'm so happy for her through all of this, but it left me asking...
When is life going to happen to me?
My new roommate is in the middle of a budding relationship with a guy she's been friends with for 2 years. She gets giggly when she talks about him and anxious waiting for her cell phone to ring. His name pops up into almost every conversation we have and it has been really fun witnessing all of the "pre-lab" steps to their potential relationship. But seriously...
When is life going to happen to me?
I promise that I'm not just sitting in my room, waiting for something good to hit me over the head. I've felt so numb and in the middle of everyone's life lately that I feel like I'd take anything at the moment. Which leads me to one more story...
One of my closest friends is going through a divorce. He's 23. I know it sounds awful, especially when you know that his wife was cheating on him. With another woman. It has all of the stigma and religious complexity thrown into it to make it more hurtful than simply a broken relationship. And through all of it, he maintains that he still loves her. After nearly 6 months of her being emotionally absent in their marriage. After forcing him to live at his grandma's but still make payments on their home, a house that she's most likely sharing with her girlfriend most nights.
But three months later, my friend is picking up the fragments of his ideal life and starting to build something for himself that will hopefully exceed every dream and expectation he ever had for himself. He's going back to finish college and playing in his church's worship band, just trying to recover. I talk to him a lot about all the things he's learning and how much his life's changed so fast...
But when is life going to happen to me?
Maybe I'm a journalist because telling other people's stories is all I have right now. Maybe. And just maybe, I'll start to feel like I have my own stories to tell. Maybe. When life starts happening to me.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
My Dearest J-term,
Thank you so much. Because you exist I get 2 1/2 weeks of vacation without actually having to be at my parent's house. And I love my parents but the craziness they bring into my life can only be tolerated for so long. If I had to wake up, walk out into the kitchen for a bagel only to be met by my fully caffeinated mother talking to me so fast I wasn't sure if it was a real language one more time, I'm not sure if I could have survived.
But thanks to you, J-term. I get to be in my dorm room with my comfy bed and dark curtains. My head has begun to hate natural lighting and my curtains and light bright lamp really accommodate this. Only during J-term do I have time to think about such things.
Also, J-term, I am thankful for you because it has given me uninterrupted hours to bond with my new roommate. Since you give us all the time in the world to waste away, we can spend hours watching amazingly good movies (and sometimes bad, because sometimes you are only in the mood to watch a really bad movie) or talking about nothing. Normally, as students we would feel guilty about these activities. During the regular semester the only comfort time we allow ourselves is a run to Coffee D'Vine, and even with that we are justifying that the caffeine fix will help us complete our unfathomable amounts of reading and other assignments. But now, you have given us all the time we could want to enjoy ourselves on campus.
Now my friend, I do not want to sound like I'm complaining about the regular semester, but getting to know you has made me realize how unique and special you are. You are not be be taken for granted, J-term. You are a bright, shining couple of weeks in my college career, and I should be treating you as the gift from God you are.
I'm so glad that I've gotten to know you. I wish we could be together always.
Love,
SG
But thanks to you, J-term. I get to be in my dorm room with my comfy bed and dark curtains. My head has begun to hate natural lighting and my curtains and light bright lamp really accommodate this. Only during J-term do I have time to think about such things.
Also, J-term, I am thankful for you because it has given me uninterrupted hours to bond with my new roommate. Since you give us all the time in the world to waste away, we can spend hours watching amazingly good movies (and sometimes bad, because sometimes you are only in the mood to watch a really bad movie) or talking about nothing. Normally, as students we would feel guilty about these activities. During the regular semester the only comfort time we allow ourselves is a run to Coffee D'Vine, and even with that we are justifying that the caffeine fix will help us complete our unfathomable amounts of reading and other assignments. But now, you have given us all the time we could want to enjoy ourselves on campus.
Now my friend, I do not want to sound like I'm complaining about the regular semester, but getting to know you has made me realize how unique and special you are. You are not be be taken for granted, J-term. You are a bright, shining couple of weeks in my college career, and I should be treating you as the gift from God you are.
I'm so glad that I've gotten to know you. I wish we could be together always.
Love,
SG
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Avoiding the Second-hand
Finally finished "The Fountainhead" last night and the themes and characters have been swimming in my head all day. Its just this amazing book--everything reminds me of something I read in "The Fountainhead."
So the book revolves around two architects, Howard Roark--a genius who has the capability to revolutionize the field--and Peter Keating--mediocrity in the form of a man, who becomes rich and popular doing what mediocre people do best...copying other peoples work. Roark is harboring a ton of genius underneath his unabashed self conceit and Keating only has the appearance of genius and self respect. The theme of NYC at the time is to serve others, to rid yourself of all selfishness. Rand contends that this is how mediocrity is bread. You deny yourself self-respect and you start creating for the sake of others--for notoriety, to please fill the needs of anyone but yourself. You start to depend on people and their good opinion of you that if you lose it your life is essentially over. According to Rand, real creative genius comes out of complete selfishness. And in the context of the story, this made complete sense. She took this idea of living life for others, and the beaty of self sacrifice and turned it on its head. It became the root of evil in the world... not selfishness.
This just one of the ideas she weaved into this book. If you ever feel like you have the time to dive into a 700-page novel... grab this one. It's changed me. Because although I don't agree with a lot of the ideas in the book, including the one I probably failed in trying to describe to you, I wanted to agree with her. I really wanted to believe that by becoming so independent that I could live without relationships, completely secure in my own abilities and strength, I would actually be making the world a better place.
But throughout the book I was constantly, if not grudgingly reminded that there was a presence missing in this book. God wasn't there. Not as the sourse of genius bestowed upon Roark or the reason for the self-sacrifice and service constantly preached by power-hungry Toohey. And I know that he's the source of all my abilities, and the only critic that should be worth anything to me.
But it was an experience, living in this author's world for awhile, where masochism was the route to happiness and power killed everything it touched.
Now I'm starting "Daisy Miller." I love J-term... where I simply get to enjoy musicals, movies, books and my new roommate. She's great and fun and lighthearted and I think its going to be a fun semester. We'll see how we fare I guess. Its nice to be living someone from the comm. department, who understands when I start off on an "I hate Miller" rant, then want to cry I love him so much the very next day. It's not just me...these are the extreme emotions this man pulls out of you.
I miss my Sarah in Oxford. She's going to come back worldy and cultured and smarter than me (she already was, but its going to be worse). But I'm proud of her... I miss her.
So the book revolves around two architects, Howard Roark--a genius who has the capability to revolutionize the field--and Peter Keating--mediocrity in the form of a man, who becomes rich and popular doing what mediocre people do best...copying other peoples work. Roark is harboring a ton of genius underneath his unabashed self conceit and Keating only has the appearance of genius and self respect. The theme of NYC at the time is to serve others, to rid yourself of all selfishness. Rand contends that this is how mediocrity is bread. You deny yourself self-respect and you start creating for the sake of others--for notoriety, to please fill the needs of anyone but yourself. You start to depend on people and their good opinion of you that if you lose it your life is essentially over. According to Rand, real creative genius comes out of complete selfishness. And in the context of the story, this made complete sense. She took this idea of living life for others, and the beaty of self sacrifice and turned it on its head. It became the root of evil in the world... not selfishness.
This just one of the ideas she weaved into this book. If you ever feel like you have the time to dive into a 700-page novel... grab this one. It's changed me. Because although I don't agree with a lot of the ideas in the book, including the one I probably failed in trying to describe to you, I wanted to agree with her. I really wanted to believe that by becoming so independent that I could live without relationships, completely secure in my own abilities and strength, I would actually be making the world a better place.
But throughout the book I was constantly, if not grudgingly reminded that there was a presence missing in this book. God wasn't there. Not as the sourse of genius bestowed upon Roark or the reason for the self-sacrifice and service constantly preached by power-hungry Toohey. And I know that he's the source of all my abilities, and the only critic that should be worth anything to me.
But it was an experience, living in this author's world for awhile, where masochism was the route to happiness and power killed everything it touched.
Now I'm starting "Daisy Miller." I love J-term... where I simply get to enjoy musicals, movies, books and my new roommate. She's great and fun and lighthearted and I think its going to be a fun semester. We'll see how we fare I guess. Its nice to be living someone from the comm. department, who understands when I start off on an "I hate Miller" rant, then want to cry I love him so much the very next day. It's not just me...these are the extreme emotions this man pulls out of you.
I miss my Sarah in Oxford. She's going to come back worldy and cultured and smarter than me (she already was, but its going to be worse). But I'm proud of her... I miss her.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
And all this through self-reflection
I'm 20 years old, and I'm set in my ways.
I never meet anyone new anymore. Freshman year I did it out of survival. If I was going to make it so that I had at least one person to converse with in a day, I had to make a friend.
And I did meet some amazing people who have become my world. But that's it, it's my world. And when that delicate balance is threatened I go nuts. I do not step out of my comfort zone. Ever. Public speaking? No, thanks. And writing my column for the newspaper, where my thoughts and character and person are laid out there over two columns and 300 words? It is like pulling teeth to get that thing finished. Just the thought that someone could get to know me through that horrible column makes me sick. So I try to make it as poignant as possible without ever actually letting anyone in.
I haven't been on a date in over 2 years. And the number one reason, excluding the fact that I am a known feminist and man-hater--not to mention the scales underneath my clothes, is that I have refused to meet anyone. I don't make eye contact, actively listen or share myself in anyway with a person I meet. I shut them out. I don't have the time for anyone new in my life.
It has recently come to my attention that by shutting people out, even the evil male population, I could be limiting the opportunities God has out there for me. And while I do genuinely love my life right now and the direction it is leading, I'm not by any means comfortable in saying that this is all he has for me. But by not letting people in, that is exactly what I'm doing.
So tonight I did the unthinkable. One of many unthinkables I will probably allow in my life.
I let a friend set me up.
And it was hell. Utter torture at times...Completely awkward. He was shy and wouldn't talk and I leaned on my other friends there as this crutch and I hardly interacted with the poor guy at all. But at the same time, during all the awkwardness I could feel myself thriving underneath all the possibilities that meeting someone new brings into your life. And now, at the very least, I have a new facebook friend. Not so bad, really.
So I might be set in my ways, but I'm working on it. Promise.
I never meet anyone new anymore. Freshman year I did it out of survival. If I was going to make it so that I had at least one person to converse with in a day, I had to make a friend.
And I did meet some amazing people who have become my world. But that's it, it's my world. And when that delicate balance is threatened I go nuts. I do not step out of my comfort zone. Ever. Public speaking? No, thanks. And writing my column for the newspaper, where my thoughts and character and person are laid out there over two columns and 300 words? It is like pulling teeth to get that thing finished. Just the thought that someone could get to know me through that horrible column makes me sick. So I try to make it as poignant as possible without ever actually letting anyone in.
I haven't been on a date in over 2 years. And the number one reason, excluding the fact that I am a known feminist and man-hater--not to mention the scales underneath my clothes, is that I have refused to meet anyone. I don't make eye contact, actively listen or share myself in anyway with a person I meet. I shut them out. I don't have the time for anyone new in my life.
It has recently come to my attention that by shutting people out, even the evil male population, I could be limiting the opportunities God has out there for me. And while I do genuinely love my life right now and the direction it is leading, I'm not by any means comfortable in saying that this is all he has for me. But by not letting people in, that is exactly what I'm doing.
So tonight I did the unthinkable. One of many unthinkables I will probably allow in my life.
I let a friend set me up.
And it was hell. Utter torture at times...Completely awkward. He was shy and wouldn't talk and I leaned on my other friends there as this crutch and I hardly interacted with the poor guy at all. But at the same time, during all the awkwardness I could feel myself thriving underneath all the possibilities that meeting someone new brings into your life. And now, at the very least, I have a new facebook friend. Not so bad, really.
So I might be set in my ways, but I'm working on it. Promise.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
It's been forever
I have tried to log on here and post countless times...but it wouldn't let me. I was beginning to curse blogger beta, but we can be friends again. Let me tell you, when this is your outlet for stress and frustration, not loading was just not going to cut it the past week and a half. I had to actually call a friend and complain about life for awhile, because that is what blogging is for me... kind of. anyway. Now that I am FINISHED with finals and heading home for break I have nothing to write about. Go figure. So instead I'm going to post my "From the Editor" column from this month. Hope you enjoy it.
So help me, I’ve become a blogger
Sometimes your professor is right.
At least, mine was last fall. An adjunct professor assigned each of us to start a blog and write in it daily. It was a class that really relied on creative writing, and he said blogging would turn us into better writers.
Being the egotistical journalist that I am and believing I had reached my creative peak at 19, I took the assignment merely at face value. When I had time, I would blog.
Most of the time I would watch “The Gilmore Girls” instead.
I got through the class, the blogging assignment over. But I still found myself at my computer everyday, logging in to share a little bit of myself.
I started blogging about anything and everything. A class I was enjoying. A Bible passage I was wrestling with. A story about one of the amazingly quirky girls I live with on Roush 3rd.
It has become this great part of my day, where I can be my most creative and most honest self at the same time.
And the best part is there are no expectations. I can spell horribly and use the wrong punctuation. Leads don’t exist in blogs, and I never have to worry over whether or not an entry is flowing.
It is a writer’s dream.
Because let’s face it, no one reads your blog. The potential is out there for anyone in the world to log on and see what you have to say, but they don’t. I’m pretty confidant that two people in the world read mine consistently. And that’s okay. It’s not for you anyway.
Blogging has become my yoga. I can write whatever I want, whenever I want and it’s like a yoga class when the instructor turns the lights out. No one can see me wallowing around on the floor, trying to catch my balance.
So Greg Francis was right. Blogging has made me a better writer, and that’s great. But it has also started to define me in a way.
I am a blogger.
Anyway, that's my column for December... which contained a little shout out to Greg, the reason I have this blog.
So help me, I’ve become a blogger
“Spend the hour blogging, and you will discover many more free hours during the
day.”-Mickey Kaus
Sometimes your professor is right.
At least, mine was last fall. An adjunct professor assigned each of us to start a blog and write in it daily. It was a class that really relied on creative writing, and he said blogging would turn us into better writers.
Being the egotistical journalist that I am and believing I had reached my creative peak at 19, I took the assignment merely at face value. When I had time, I would blog.
Most of the time I would watch “The Gilmore Girls” instead.
I got through the class, the blogging assignment over. But I still found myself at my computer everyday, logging in to share a little bit of myself.
I started blogging about anything and everything. A class I was enjoying. A Bible passage I was wrestling with. A story about one of the amazingly quirky girls I live with on Roush 3rd.
It has become this great part of my day, where I can be my most creative and most honest self at the same time.
And the best part is there are no expectations. I can spell horribly and use the wrong punctuation. Leads don’t exist in blogs, and I never have to worry over whether or not an entry is flowing.
It is a writer’s dream.
Because let’s face it, no one reads your blog. The potential is out there for anyone in the world to log on and see what you have to say, but they don’t. I’m pretty confidant that two people in the world read mine consistently. And that’s okay. It’s not for you anyway.
Blogging has become my yoga. I can write whatever I want, whenever I want and it’s like a yoga class when the instructor turns the lights out. No one can see me wallowing around on the floor, trying to catch my balance.
So Greg Francis was right. Blogging has made me a better writer, and that’s great. But it has also started to define me in a way.
I am a blogger.
Anyway, that's my column for December... which contained a little shout out to Greg, the reason I have this blog.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
A life less like the one I'm living
Last night I was helping my sister make a blanket for a church auction, and we both got sucked into Dateline. Usually, I hate these faux news shows because well, I'm a media snob. I can't help it, I'm a product of the HU communications education I'm receiving. Anyway... I didn't watch any of the sex offender part of the show, but I did watch a segment about a gunman who walked into a college building in Ohio and killed one man, injured a few others and basically took 93 others hostage for more than 7 hours. It was really interesting because the man was 62 years old, and obviously mentally unstable.
But that is not the really why I'm writing. They showed some courtroom footage from the case and one of the hostages took the stand. He said that as soon as he saw the gunman he thought he was going to die. He said: "I just started thinking to myself, have I lived the best life I know how?"
I thought about that question for awhile but I was scared to ask it of myself. Because I obviously haven't lived as well as I know how. Sometimes it feels like I'm giving life my all, doing everything I can, but it's a lie really. My years since I graduated from high school have been this strange sort of half-life, where the focal point of my existence has been myself--my education, my feelings, my wants, my needs.
But that is not the really why I'm writing. They showed some courtroom footage from the case and one of the hostages took the stand. He said that as soon as he saw the gunman he thought he was going to die. He said: "I just started thinking to myself, have I lived the best life I know how?"
I thought about that question for awhile but I was scared to ask it of myself. Because I obviously haven't lived as well as I know how. Sometimes it feels like I'm giving life my all, doing everything I can, but it's a lie really. My years since I graduated from high school have been this strange sort of half-life, where the focal point of my existence has been myself--my education, my feelings, my wants, my needs.
But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what
God is looking for in men and women.It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just
to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And
don't take yourself too seriously—take God seriously. —Micah 6:8 (The
Message)
It hurts to read such beautiful words when who you are falls so short from who
He's called you to be.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Every people-group has a local idiot...
So this afternoon I happened to catch a really great episode of SNL w/ Scarlett Johansson and Death Cab for Cutie, which in itself makes it a great episode. But the weekend update made it great. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler played this game called the Nutbird News Quiz, where Fey read a quote and Poehler had to decide if it came from the mouth of Roberston or a crazy homeless man who lived down the street. It was hilarious, and prompted me to research some of the most asinine and classic Robertson quotes. Here are my favorites--Dumb things Pat Robertson said:
"Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history." --Pat Robertson
"(T)he feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." --Pat Robertson
"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for his help because he might not be there." --Pat Robertson, after the city of Dover, Pennsylvania voted to boot the current school board, which instituted an intelligent design policy that led to a federal trial.
"You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war ... We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with." --Pat Robertson, calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez
This one is related to it:"Wait a minute, I didn't say 'assassination.' I said our special forces should 'take him out,' and 'take him out' can be a number of things, including kidnapping." --Pat Robertson, clarifying his call to assassinate Hugo Chavez
"Many of those people involved with Adolph Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals -- the two things seem to go together."--Pat Robertson
"It's one thing to say, 'We have rights to jobs ... we have rights to be left alone in out little corner of the world to do our thing.' It's an entirely different thing to say, well, 'We're not only going to go into the schools and we're going to take your children and your grandchildren and turn them into homosexuals.' Now that's wrong. -- Pat Robertson, 1992
And here it is... possibly the most insane thing uttered by a person, ever:
"When I hit 570 pounds, it was a big deal. I called everybody in the gym to come look at what I'd done. Then one Saturday we went up to 800 pounds. Then later my doctor who was working with me got me up to 1,500. I went up 1,400, 1,500, 1,600, 1,700 ... in one day. The last time, it was one lift, I went 2,000 pounds." --Pat Robertson, on his ability to leg-press a ton.
"Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history." --Pat Robertson
"(T)he feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." --Pat Robertson
"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for his help because he might not be there." --Pat Robertson, after the city of Dover, Pennsylvania voted to boot the current school board, which instituted an intelligent design policy that led to a federal trial.
"You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war ... We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with." --Pat Robertson, calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez
This one is related to it:"Wait a minute, I didn't say 'assassination.' I said our special forces should 'take him out,' and 'take him out' can be a number of things, including kidnapping." --Pat Robertson, clarifying his call to assassinate Hugo Chavez
"Many of those people involved with Adolph Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals -- the two things seem to go together."--Pat Robertson
"It's one thing to say, 'We have rights to jobs ... we have rights to be left alone in out little corner of the world to do our thing.' It's an entirely different thing to say, well, 'We're not only going to go into the schools and we're going to take your children and your grandchildren and turn them into homosexuals.' Now that's wrong. -- Pat Robertson, 1992
And here it is... possibly the most insane thing uttered by a person, ever:
"When I hit 570 pounds, it was a big deal. I called everybody in the gym to come look at what I'd done. Then one Saturday we went up to 800 pounds. Then later my doctor who was working with me got me up to 1,500. I went up 1,400, 1,500, 1,600, 1,700 ... in one day. The last time, it was one lift, I went 2,000 pounds." --Pat Robertson, on his ability to leg-press a ton.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Can it end now?
The problem with leadership is...
-Everyone cannot see your intentions when you make a decision
-Everyone is not on the same page as you, you have to stop and wait for them to catch up
-When someone else screws up, or even if things were out of everyone's control...the leader always, ALWAYS gets blamed
-When its your turn to hate the world, you still have to be the leader...giving up or slacking off is never an option
-You have to get your hands dirty... You have to set an example that probably no one is going to notice anyway.
-You're the first one there and last to go, and there's no time to catch up on sleep because you have to do it all over the next day.
-You have to take responsibility for everyone's work...even when it sucks. But you can't just change or redo the sucky work, because that is insulting to the worker. You are never allowed to insult, just be insulted. Same goes for criticism.
-Judgement and criticism never end. Even when it makes you want to cry.
Today I wish it was all over.
-Everyone cannot see your intentions when you make a decision
-Everyone is not on the same page as you, you have to stop and wait for them to catch up
-When someone else screws up, or even if things were out of everyone's control...the leader always, ALWAYS gets blamed
-When its your turn to hate the world, you still have to be the leader...giving up or slacking off is never an option
-You have to get your hands dirty... You have to set an example that probably no one is going to notice anyway.
-You're the first one there and last to go, and there's no time to catch up on sleep because you have to do it all over the next day.
-You have to take responsibility for everyone's work...even when it sucks. But you can't just change or redo the sucky work, because that is insulting to the worker. You are never allowed to insult, just be insulted. Same goes for criticism.
-Judgement and criticism never end. Even when it makes you want to cry.
Today I wish it was all over.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Self-Reflections from a semester...
The time has come... to make a list. I love lists. They are practically the only thing I read out of a textbook anymore. So here it is.
What I've learned about myself this fall
-1- I am political. Apparently, trying to be unpolitical makes me very much so. And I'm a liberal. A dirty, dirty liberal who believes that at our country's foundation, we believe in basic rights for every citizen. This includes rights like marriage, free expression and religious orientation.
-2- I'm anti-social. Meaning, I don't enjoy being around large groups of people. Or most people on a one-on-one basis, really. I'm not sure if this makes me a negative or mean person...but I'm not all that concerned. I like who I like and I avoid everyone else for the most part.
-3- I'm really dependent on my roommate. I've kind of always known this, but it is becoming blaringly obvious to me as of late. Seriously, she's leaving me to go to England and I'm not going to have anything do. She's the one constant in my life at school, and I have no clue what I'll do without her.
-4- I'm a good journalist because God has called me there. I always kind of thought that my talent in newspapers was kind of a fluke. But that view has changed. There is a lot of good to be done in the field. And it's my passion (I'm aware that this makes me a dork). Using my talent for God makes a lot more sense than fruitlessly trying to become good at something I suck at, just because it is a more "Christian" profession.
-5- My life is simple. And simple equals great. A lot of my friends are dealing with so much right now. And I have absolutely all of my needs met. Things are great, God is great. And sometimes it takes the hardships of others to make you realize how good and easy your life really is. And another thing, homework isn't a hardship. It's not even close.
So there's the list. It is not everything I've discovered, but a good chunk of it.
What I've learned about myself this fall
-1- I am political. Apparently, trying to be unpolitical makes me very much so. And I'm a liberal. A dirty, dirty liberal who believes that at our country's foundation, we believe in basic rights for every citizen. This includes rights like marriage, free expression and religious orientation.
-2- I'm anti-social. Meaning, I don't enjoy being around large groups of people. Or most people on a one-on-one basis, really. I'm not sure if this makes me a negative or mean person...but I'm not all that concerned. I like who I like and I avoid everyone else for the most part.
-3- I'm really dependent on my roommate. I've kind of always known this, but it is becoming blaringly obvious to me as of late. Seriously, she's leaving me to go to England and I'm not going to have anything do. She's the one constant in my life at school, and I have no clue what I'll do without her.
-4- I'm a good journalist because God has called me there. I always kind of thought that my talent in newspapers was kind of a fluke. But that view has changed. There is a lot of good to be done in the field. And it's my passion (I'm aware that this makes me a dork). Using my talent for God makes a lot more sense than fruitlessly trying to become good at something I suck at, just because it is a more "Christian" profession.
-5- My life is simple. And simple equals great. A lot of my friends are dealing with so much right now. And I have absolutely all of my needs met. Things are great, God is great. And sometimes it takes the hardships of others to make you realize how good and easy your life really is. And another thing, homework isn't a hardship. It's not even close.
So there's the list. It is not everything I've discovered, but a good chunk of it.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
busyness is the devil
Today was a day from my old life. At least, it feels that way. I've been on the go since 8 this morning. Aerobics, make-up quiz w/ Dr. Brautigam, Chapel, Teaching for Char. Trans., Lunch with communications perspectives, Interview for a story at Coffe D, H-tonian staff meeting...all of these events directly succeeded the other, give or take a few minutes for travel.
This is a huge day for me right now. Usually, I have full hours in the afternoon to sit on my bed, watch a movie, take a nap, do homework, or dig into God's word for enjoyment--whatever I feel like, I do. But last semester, this would have been a normal day in my life. Which got me thinking, especially after chapel this morning...
I have successfully cut out the unnecessary from my life. The extra work that I did to get that extra degree that had started to isolate me from others, and my real self. I got rid of it, and its all behind me. I will not have another day like this one this semester. It was a fluke day that drove me crazy. It used to be that my whole life was this busy, and every day drove me crazy.
But now life is simple, and God is good.
By the way, my little sister is here, making everyone laugh as usual.
This is a huge day for me right now. Usually, I have full hours in the afternoon to sit on my bed, watch a movie, take a nap, do homework, or dig into God's word for enjoyment--whatever I feel like, I do. But last semester, this would have been a normal day in my life. Which got me thinking, especially after chapel this morning...
I have successfully cut out the unnecessary from my life. The extra work that I did to get that extra degree that had started to isolate me from others, and my real self. I got rid of it, and its all behind me. I will not have another day like this one this semester. It was a fluke day that drove me crazy. It used to be that my whole life was this busy, and every day drove me crazy.
But now life is simple, and God is good.
By the way, my little sister is here, making everyone laugh as usual.
Monday, October 23, 2006
You really don't have to say anything, it'll be better that way
I have a friend who is 23 and in the earliest stage of divorce. So early that his side of the bed is still warm, he had to move out just weeks ago. Divorce is ugly, but this one is particularly awful and embarrassing for him and heartbreaking.
And people aren't helping him. Oh, don't get me wrong. Friends and family think they are but they really suck. Here are some examples of the "encouragement" he's been getting, and I'll share his reaction to it with you too.
"You'll be okay. I know it's hard now, but you'll look back and see that this is what is best."
"Don't worry, there is someone out there for you. It'll just take time."
Okay, so I know that these are seemingly nice things to say, but it made him feel crappy. Venting to me today, this is what he said he felt like saying to them:
"I just want to be like......you are all morons and missing the mark. As if I don't know this? I'm not a babbling lost fool."
Sometimes people say things to a person who is hurting just so they can feel better. They think its sympathy, but its lacking a serious amount of empathy that is necessary in being a real friend to that hurting person.
He's been pouring his heart out to me and I just listen. I don't know what else to do, really. It never ocurred to me to do anything at all.
I just needed to vent. People make me angry, and at the same time I wish I knew the perfect thing to say to make him feel better, and to make me feel better.
And people aren't helping him. Oh, don't get me wrong. Friends and family think they are but they really suck. Here are some examples of the "encouragement" he's been getting, and I'll share his reaction to it with you too.
"You'll be okay. I know it's hard now, but you'll look back and see that this is what is best."
"Don't worry, there is someone out there for you. It'll just take time."
Okay, so I know that these are seemingly nice things to say, but it made him feel crappy. Venting to me today, this is what he said he felt like saying to them:
"I just want to be like......you are all morons and missing the mark. As if I don't know this? I'm not a babbling lost fool."
Sometimes people say things to a person who is hurting just so they can feel better. They think its sympathy, but its lacking a serious amount of empathy that is necessary in being a real friend to that hurting person.
He's been pouring his heart out to me and I just listen. I don't know what else to do, really. It never ocurred to me to do anything at all.
I just needed to vent. People make me angry, and at the same time I wish I knew the perfect thing to say to make him feel better, and to make me feel better.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Updating for the sake of it...
This is an update of my life... Nothing is happening and everything is happening. There's no need for specifics here though. Well, maybe some vague ones. Are there such things as vague specifics?
When I was 14 I met a boy and we started dating. He was 17 and lived far away, so we had a relationship over the phone. We broke up, because long distance relationships are usually pointless, and when you're 14 they are definitely pointless. But we really did remain friends. He's one of the best friends I've ever had.
When I went away to college and got busy meeting people and making friends, our calls got less frequent and eventually stopped, partially due to his new fiance. We didn't talk for two years, and I never knew how his wedding turned out, or if he even got married at all. Every once in awhile I would think of him, but I never really thought we'd reconnect.
Last week, he found me on myspace. We emailed back and forth a few times. We got to talk on the phone Wednesday, and he recounted the story of his failed marriage. It was absolutely one of the saddest things I've ever heard from one of my close friends.
But he's so hopeful and he was so apolegetic to me, when that was completely unecessary. And all through this sadness of listening to him, I couldn't help but be glad. I'm glad he found me, and that we could pick back up from where we left off in our friendship. I'm glad I have him back again... I just hate the circumstances.
When I was 14 I met a boy and we started dating. He was 17 and lived far away, so we had a relationship over the phone. We broke up, because long distance relationships are usually pointless, and when you're 14 they are definitely pointless. But we really did remain friends. He's one of the best friends I've ever had.
When I went away to college and got busy meeting people and making friends, our calls got less frequent and eventually stopped, partially due to his new fiance. We didn't talk for two years, and I never knew how his wedding turned out, or if he even got married at all. Every once in awhile I would think of him, but I never really thought we'd reconnect.
Last week, he found me on myspace. We emailed back and forth a few times. We got to talk on the phone Wednesday, and he recounted the story of his failed marriage. It was absolutely one of the saddest things I've ever heard from one of my close friends.
But he's so hopeful and he was so apolegetic to me, when that was completely unecessary. And all through this sadness of listening to him, I couldn't help but be glad. I'm glad he found me, and that we could pick back up from where we left off in our friendship. I'm glad I have him back again... I just hate the circumstances.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Don't be alarmed--I still love Jesus
So today I walked into the Registrar's office and dropped my educational ministries major. Yes. This might seem like a strange thing to you, since the ministry program was my initial reason for coming to Huntington. And there's that small fact that I'm going to be a minister when I grow up. There are a lot of reasons why I made the change--from a youth ministry major to a minor--but the primary one is that I felt convicted. To make a life change. To de-clutter my life. This might sound strange, but I feel like God has called me out of this major, and I feel really free.
The only reason I haven't done this sooner is that I was afraid of disappointing...everyone, but mostly myself. I thought I could do it. Two majors, but I really can't. Not and be the person I want to be in college. Someone who is open and available for her friends. And now, I can probably start that small group with Campus Life.
I've been exhausted this semester. And unhappy. And distant. I want to be real with people again, have time to have vulnerable conversations again.
Who knew, you drop a youth ministry major and suddenly you have time to actually do ministry.
Though I'm writing this at 4:42 a.m. in the news room, because I don't get to go to sleep until we put the Huntingtonian to bed, I feel very good. And free, did I mention that already?
The only reason I haven't done this sooner is that I was afraid of disappointing...everyone, but mostly myself. I thought I could do it. Two majors, but I really can't. Not and be the person I want to be in college. Someone who is open and available for her friends. And now, I can probably start that small group with Campus Life.
I've been exhausted this semester. And unhappy. And distant. I want to be real with people again, have time to have vulnerable conversations again.
Who knew, you drop a youth ministry major and suddenly you have time to actually do ministry.
Though I'm writing this at 4:42 a.m. in the news room, because I don't get to go to sleep until we put the Huntingtonian to bed, I feel very good. And free, did I mention that already?
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Love is not against the Law
Derek Webb says this about love--
Love is hard. I think that love in friendship is harder, because friendships can potentially be over. Most don't last forever. I've had to learn that in the last year with my best friend of six years, and even more recently as I've come back to school. People grow apart. Once you hit high school graduation, people start living live at all different speeds. Some leave the house, mature and never look back. Some get married young, and some look for ways to become independent without having to do anything more adult than put gas in our cars.
With family we know that we have to love each other no matter what. And I think that the danger of friendship is that, when people hurt us, or we feel slighted, the exit sign in the relationship comes into view. We think things like, "I don't need this," and "He/She is just not worth this."
These are ugly thoughts. I hate them. It makes me so sad that we invest ourselves in all the wrong things--jobs, possessions, people. Because people let us down. If, and when this happens, I think that it is the best priority check. So-and-So hurt my feelings and now I feel like my life is over... are my priorities in check, no. Friends, even the best, most selfless ones, do not hold the responsibility of making you feel good all of the time. And if that is how you view someone, as your source of entertainment, comfort or strength, you will always be left wanting.
And yes, blogging is a way to share your thoughts and feelings, but not at the expense of someone else's. Love is confrontational...let's deal with our emotions and stop veiling them behind our need to express ourselves on an irrelevant blog. It's really just cheapening the way we feel. And friends mean more than that, don't they? They just have to, or what's the point? I'll just sit here in my room and seek out companionship on the Internet. I'll join blogrings and facebook groups and I'll rack up names on my buddy list and stop having real conversations with anyone. If I'm not ready to be real with people, I might as well not bother interacting with anyone on a personal level. Because as my beautiful friend Kandace once said and I'll paraphrase, forced social interaction makes me uneasy.
I believe that blogs can be a great medium for self expression. But right now I hate what its becoming. A gossip ring and a safety net, where I can let someone else know how I feel without actually having to face them. Which is why I hope that no one feels targeted in this post.Believe me, I'm dealing with my issues on a more personal level than this post. This post is just me sorting out feelings. And when the situation warrants it, I'll be real with you. Promise.
it's learning to admit
when you've had a hand in setting them up
in
knocking them down
love is not against the law
love is not against
the law
are we defending life
when we just pick and choose
lives
acceptable to lose
and which ones to defend
'cause you cannot choose
your friends
but you choose your enemies
and what if they were one
one and the same
Love is hard. I think that love in friendship is harder, because friendships can potentially be over. Most don't last forever. I've had to learn that in the last year with my best friend of six years, and even more recently as I've come back to school. People grow apart. Once you hit high school graduation, people start living live at all different speeds. Some leave the house, mature and never look back. Some get married young, and some look for ways to become independent without having to do anything more adult than put gas in our cars.
With family we know that we have to love each other no matter what. And I think that the danger of friendship is that, when people hurt us, or we feel slighted, the exit sign in the relationship comes into view. We think things like, "I don't need this," and "He/She is just not worth this."
These are ugly thoughts. I hate them. It makes me so sad that we invest ourselves in all the wrong things--jobs, possessions, people. Because people let us down. If, and when this happens, I think that it is the best priority check. So-and-So hurt my feelings and now I feel like my life is over... are my priorities in check, no. Friends, even the best, most selfless ones, do not hold the responsibility of making you feel good all of the time. And if that is how you view someone, as your source of entertainment, comfort or strength, you will always be left wanting.
And yes, blogging is a way to share your thoughts and feelings, but not at the expense of someone else's. Love is confrontational...let's deal with our emotions and stop veiling them behind our need to express ourselves on an irrelevant blog. It's really just cheapening the way we feel. And friends mean more than that, don't they? They just have to, or what's the point? I'll just sit here in my room and seek out companionship on the Internet. I'll join blogrings and facebook groups and I'll rack up names on my buddy list and stop having real conversations with anyone. If I'm not ready to be real with people, I might as well not bother interacting with anyone on a personal level. Because as my beautiful friend Kandace once said and I'll paraphrase, forced social interaction makes me uneasy.
I believe that blogs can be a great medium for self expression. But right now I hate what its becoming. A gossip ring and a safety net, where I can let someone else know how I feel without actually having to face them. Which is why I hope that no one feels targeted in this post.Believe me, I'm dealing with my issues on a more personal level than this post. This post is just me sorting out feelings. And when the situation warrants it, I'll be real with you. Promise.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Why does friendship feel so heavy?
I'm just going to start writing... I'm not quite sure what I want to say yet. Usually I have a particular thought I want to get down, but tonight I'm not sure what I want to say. This week I'm a little dissatisfied with myself. I don't feel like a good enough student, a good enough daughter, a good enough friend. But I'm not sure why I can't get there. Why I can't be the person I know I can be, the person I've successfully been before. My roommate Skeyse and I were talking about this "blah" feeling we've both had this fall, and she thinks it might just be a junior thing. But I think that its something more with me.
I'm going to be honest and say that I haven't been feeling too great lately. All I want to do is sleep, and on Saturdays I've done just that. I'll sleep a little more than 30 hours in a weekend. I get eight hours on weeknights and on the weekends I feel like I have to catch up. My energy just isn't there, and it frustrates me. I've been distancing myself from everyone around me but Skeyse. And she's going to Oxford next semester, so if I don't remedy this its going to be one lonely spring. But that doesn't even scare me, Sarah leaving, which, to me, is a sign that something is wrong. And I want to deal with it, if I could pinpoint why I feel the way I do. I'm afraid that if I have this room to myself all I will do is keep to myself. I'm becoming this hardcore loner and I don't know where it is coming from.
I've also been hit with the realization that all of my friends have monumental problems in their lives, and I'm so frustrated about it. Why does so much hurt exist? Why would someone's father do/say that to her? Why would this beautiful girl be anorexic, and why couldn't I see her struggling with it? Everyone is so broken, I'm broken, and who is there to fix it? I know the answer but right now it seems far from my reality.
When I was younger I prayed for God to give me compassion. Right now I wish my heart were harder, because it really aches inside, to feel this much sorrow for someone else. Her situation has completely thrown me off my axis and I don't feel like I can get oriented again. My heart is so heavy, and her problem seems so huge. And somehow, though I've ignored her issue for almost five years, she still feels like I've been there for her. I wasn't a friend to her at all, not in the way she really needed me. It was so superficial, and even when it was deep, those conversations were superficial, or about me. I used to pour my soul out to her, and I never stopped to see that she might need to bare her soul to me. I don't think it was becuase she didn't want to tell me, I honestly think I never gave her the opportunity.
Now, my friend, your heartache has moved me to tears. I can't stop crying for what you've been through, for how much you still have to deal with, and for the beauty I can see in your story--God moving in your life. I wish you would call so we could have a real conversation. I just want to listen to what your feeling so that I can be praying for you. I have do something, to try and get rid of this heaviness.
I'm going to be honest and say that I haven't been feeling too great lately. All I want to do is sleep, and on Saturdays I've done just that. I'll sleep a little more than 30 hours in a weekend. I get eight hours on weeknights and on the weekends I feel like I have to catch up. My energy just isn't there, and it frustrates me. I've been distancing myself from everyone around me but Skeyse. And she's going to Oxford next semester, so if I don't remedy this its going to be one lonely spring. But that doesn't even scare me, Sarah leaving, which, to me, is a sign that something is wrong. And I want to deal with it, if I could pinpoint why I feel the way I do. I'm afraid that if I have this room to myself all I will do is keep to myself. I'm becoming this hardcore loner and I don't know where it is coming from.
I've also been hit with the realization that all of my friends have monumental problems in their lives, and I'm so frustrated about it. Why does so much hurt exist? Why would someone's father do/say that to her? Why would this beautiful girl be anorexic, and why couldn't I see her struggling with it? Everyone is so broken, I'm broken, and who is there to fix it? I know the answer but right now it seems far from my reality.
When I was younger I prayed for God to give me compassion. Right now I wish my heart were harder, because it really aches inside, to feel this much sorrow for someone else. Her situation has completely thrown me off my axis and I don't feel like I can get oriented again. My heart is so heavy, and her problem seems so huge. And somehow, though I've ignored her issue for almost five years, she still feels like I've been there for her. I wasn't a friend to her at all, not in the way she really needed me. It was so superficial, and even when it was deep, those conversations were superficial, or about me. I used to pour my soul out to her, and I never stopped to see that she might need to bare her soul to me. I don't think it was becuase she didn't want to tell me, I honestly think I never gave her the opportunity.
Now, my friend, your heartache has moved me to tears. I can't stop crying for what you've been through, for how much you still have to deal with, and for the beauty I can see in your story--God moving in your life. I wish you would call so we could have a real conversation. I just want to listen to what your feeling so that I can be praying for you. I have do something, to try and get rid of this heaviness.
Monday, September 25, 2006
I want to get off
Driving back to school last night, I felt really old. I know 20 isn't old, but I felt it. It was a culmination of a lot of things I think, my feeling old. I was talking to Lauren about Katie's third anniversary with her boyfriend, and we were wondering if they might get engaged soon. ENGAGED. I felt like Jo March, and Lauren did too. For anyone who hasn't read Little Women, Jo has three sisters and she's the last to get married. Her whole outlook on life was basically that why should they all get married, when they were so happy being together, just being sisters. And I feel like this all the time, who needs boys, really?
Lauren started crying saying that she didn't want to be this old, that one of the Goddard girls was well on her way to being married. And I felt like crying too but I held it in, because it was ridiculous really, us crying over something that hasn't happened yet.
So that was one thing, and the other thing which made me feel old was John. Good old John, this song really spoke to me, and probably every college junior who is stuck in transition...
Lauren started crying saying that she didn't want to be this old, that one of the Goddard girls was well on her way to being married. And I felt like crying too but I held it in, because it was ridiculous really, us crying over something that hasn't happened yet.
So that was one thing, and the other thing which made me feel old was John. Good old John, this song really spoke to me, and probably every college junior who is stuck in transition...
No i'm not color blind I know the world is black and whiteTry to keep an opened mind i just can't sleep on this tonightStop this train i want to get out and go home againI can't take the speed it's moving in I know i canBut honestly will someone stopthis trainDon't know how else to say it,don't want to see my parents goOne generation's length away From fighting life out on my ownCome on stop this train I want to get off and go home againI can't takethe speed it's moving inI know i can but honestly won't someone stop this trainSo afraid of getting older I'm only good at being youngSo i play the numbers game to find a way to say thatlife has just begunHad a talk with my old man
Said help me understand You sit
down 68 you'll renegotiate Don't stop this train
Don't follow it moves
the
place you're in I don't think i could ever understand
I tried my
hand John,
honestly we'll never stop this trainSee once in a while
when it's good
It'll feel like it should When you're all still around And you're
still safe
and sound And you don't miss a thing so you cry when you're
driving
away in
the dark. Singing stop this train i want to get out and
go home again I
can't take this speed it's moving in I know i can Cause now
i see i'll never
stop this train
Friday, September 22, 2006
Issue one--check
The first issue of the paper is done. Page seven freaks me out. The worst part of being the editor is having to write an editor's note, and that picture is just too huge. I'm not that kind of reporter, the one who eventually just wants to write opinion columns. No, I'm sure that writing down what other people say is a way better use of my time. I'm not a columnist... my opinion is not that important to me and it changes daily.
Thought the best way to share with you what I've been doing this week is to just give you the link to the web version of what has become my life. Here's the link.
http://www.huntington.edu/newspaper/2006-2007/Issue%201-2006%20for%20Web.pdf
Thought the best way to share with you what I've been doing this week is to just give you the link to the web version of what has become my life. Here's the link.
http://www.huntington.edu/newspaper/2006-2007/Issue%201-2006%20for%20Web.pdf
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
29
29... the number of consecutive hours I was awake from Monday, 7:45 a.m. 'til today, 12:45 p.m.
But the Huntingtonian got finished, and I'm personally proud of all the work that was put into it.
I've only been awake for an hour and now I'm ready to go back to bed. I just needed to get dinner. All-nighters do not agree with my body... I kind of feel like my head is detaching itself from my body, or maybe I have whiplash.
But the Huntingtonian got finished, and I'm personally proud of all the work that was put into it.
I've only been awake for an hour and now I'm ready to go back to bed. I just needed to get dinner. All-nighters do not agree with my body... I kind of feel like my head is detaching itself from my body, or maybe I have whiplash.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Turning into my busy self
This is my third week of school. The time when you really get to start digging into the courses you are taking. So I thought I would talk about my courses for a little bit. Overall, I really like everything I'm taking and the teachers (some of the students in them are already starting to drive me insane). We'll see how long all of this lasts. Here we go:
Mass Communication: I always love my communication classes because I know everyone in them by now and a lot of times we have fun discussions. Talking about media on a global scale is different for me, as a journalist I've mainly focused on affecting a more local audience. But its been kind of fascinating learning how the big news outlets do it... the biases they have and how the way they present certain issues really affects viewer/reader opinion. This class has birthed in me a hatred for the Fox News Channel (fair and balanced?) that has affected how I watch the news. Propoganda is out there in all the media outlets, and you have critically evaluate everything you are taking in, from either a liberal or conservative bent. Plus, we get to engage in media in the class by watching documentaries, news casts, and listening to speakers. Its been pretty great so far.
Journalism Practicum: This is the third time I've taken this class, but so far its been my favorite time. I am one of three upperclassmen in it, and I kind of feel like I'm there to help out the freshmen who are just starting out with their portfolios and their journalism majors. Plus, as editor of the Huntingtonian this year, they all know me and think I can answer all of their questions. Whether that is a fair assumption or not, this class is like an affirmation session for me. Plus there is a lot of positive relationship-building going on between me and Slang and our new reporting staff. They are all taking everything so seriously, it makes me happy, and its a little pathetic at the same time.
Public Policy: This is the class that might turn into my favorite this semester, because its just freakin' fascinating. Plus, my favorite gen. ed. prof is teaching it, which was a total surprise when I got my schedule this summer. So far we've discussed a ton of stuff that I learned in media law (my FAVORITE class from last year, besides Hebrew) and it is fun to discuss things like the 1st Amendment from a different point of view, and to listen to how non-communication students feel about their freedom of speech and other civil liberties. The only bad thing is the narrow-mindess that comes into play when we discuss issues like legalized prostitution and abortion. People cannot seem to grasp the idea that everyone does not have "Christian" mores, and that every young girl who gets knocked up does not have it coming to her. When I get in an enclosed room with fourty students who know that their opinion is the only right one, I get really uncomfortable. It actually makes me physically sick. So, this class is going to be a challenge for me. I'm excited.
Biblical Interpretation: This class is my heaviest work load, but so far I'm really liking it. Dr. Fairchild is amazing, and even though his class is at 8 a.m. and is 75 minutes long, I'm excited to go in the morning because this stuff is really revolutionary to me. I mean, the Bible is kind of turning into this amazing puzzle to me, where I get to search for key words and themes and the purpose behind some of the things Paul writes in I Timothy. It's hard, and I have a million questions all of the time. Right now I'm in the middle of making observations on the book as a whole, and I cannot wait until I'm done so I can look to commentaries to answer some of my questions. The Bible is so amazing... that to fully understand it the way God intends us to, scholars have developed a system that can take hours just to delve into 12 verses. And it is thousands of years old and it is living, and God communicates to us in it. I sound like a dork but this is just so awesome to me.
Teaching for Character Transformation:
I really like that I'm taking this class after my internship this summer, and I hate it at the same time. Because when we are talking about approaches and principles of how students learn, I can picture myself teaching certain things and using the techniques we talk about to the students from home, but I get frustrated when I think about how much better I could have been when I was teaching, just from what I've learned in the past three weeks of class, and also using concepts from Bib Interp. My professor is crazy, but you can tell she loves what she's doing. I wish that we could have better discussion in there though, no one will talk.
So, this is what I'm learning right now. On top of everything I'm learning as the editor, which has been so much. I'm confident that at the end of this semester, I will be both older and wiser... hehe :)
Mass Communication: I always love my communication classes because I know everyone in them by now and a lot of times we have fun discussions. Talking about media on a global scale is different for me, as a journalist I've mainly focused on affecting a more local audience. But its been kind of fascinating learning how the big news outlets do it... the biases they have and how the way they present certain issues really affects viewer/reader opinion. This class has birthed in me a hatred for the Fox News Channel (fair and balanced?) that has affected how I watch the news. Propoganda is out there in all the media outlets, and you have critically evaluate everything you are taking in, from either a liberal or conservative bent. Plus, we get to engage in media in the class by watching documentaries, news casts, and listening to speakers. Its been pretty great so far.
Journalism Practicum: This is the third time I've taken this class, but so far its been my favorite time. I am one of three upperclassmen in it, and I kind of feel like I'm there to help out the freshmen who are just starting out with their portfolios and their journalism majors. Plus, as editor of the Huntingtonian this year, they all know me and think I can answer all of their questions. Whether that is a fair assumption or not, this class is like an affirmation session for me. Plus there is a lot of positive relationship-building going on between me and Slang and our new reporting staff. They are all taking everything so seriously, it makes me happy, and its a little pathetic at the same time.
Public Policy: This is the class that might turn into my favorite this semester, because its just freakin' fascinating. Plus, my favorite gen. ed. prof is teaching it, which was a total surprise when I got my schedule this summer. So far we've discussed a ton of stuff that I learned in media law (my FAVORITE class from last year, besides Hebrew) and it is fun to discuss things like the 1st Amendment from a different point of view, and to listen to how non-communication students feel about their freedom of speech and other civil liberties. The only bad thing is the narrow-mindess that comes into play when we discuss issues like legalized prostitution and abortion. People cannot seem to grasp the idea that everyone does not have "Christian" mores, and that every young girl who gets knocked up does not have it coming to her. When I get in an enclosed room with fourty students who know that their opinion is the only right one, I get really uncomfortable. It actually makes me physically sick. So, this class is going to be a challenge for me. I'm excited.
Biblical Interpretation: This class is my heaviest work load, but so far I'm really liking it. Dr. Fairchild is amazing, and even though his class is at 8 a.m. and is 75 minutes long, I'm excited to go in the morning because this stuff is really revolutionary to me. I mean, the Bible is kind of turning into this amazing puzzle to me, where I get to search for key words and themes and the purpose behind some of the things Paul writes in I Timothy. It's hard, and I have a million questions all of the time. Right now I'm in the middle of making observations on the book as a whole, and I cannot wait until I'm done so I can look to commentaries to answer some of my questions. The Bible is so amazing... that to fully understand it the way God intends us to, scholars have developed a system that can take hours just to delve into 12 verses. And it is thousands of years old and it is living, and God communicates to us in it. I sound like a dork but this is just so awesome to me.
Teaching for Character Transformation:
I really like that I'm taking this class after my internship this summer, and I hate it at the same time. Because when we are talking about approaches and principles of how students learn, I can picture myself teaching certain things and using the techniques we talk about to the students from home, but I get frustrated when I think about how much better I could have been when I was teaching, just from what I've learned in the past three weeks of class, and also using concepts from Bib Interp. My professor is crazy, but you can tell she loves what she's doing. I wish that we could have better discussion in there though, no one will talk.
So, this is what I'm learning right now. On top of everything I'm learning as the editor, which has been so much. I'm confident that at the end of this semester, I will be both older and wiser... hehe :)
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