Peace in a sea of confusion

I have no idea where I'm going. In my personal life, in my spiritual life, in my professional life... I just don't have a clue. I graduate in May, then who knows?

I have not real attachments or obligations. No loans, no boundaries, really. And that use to excite me. Its one of the biggest reasons I love being single, and my situation in life. But it is also starting to put a lot of pressure on me.

Deadlines for grad school applications are mere months away. Journalism fellowships are the same way (this is a lot of work, I have to make a million photocopies of my articles to make and like 20 portfolios to put together.) Cover letters, application essays, transcripts to request. Not to mention, a scary-hard test called the GRE to study for and take in September. Oh yeah, and CLASSES to take.

Every day like clockwork, outside the window of my office, a tornado siren sounds from the fire department across the street. Why? I have no idea. Why would it ever be necessary to set it off every day... Once a week, still a little excessive... once a month I'd understand. Its just my little annoyance for the day.

Also, I cannot believe how much I've been on the phone lately. Phone interview after phone interview... I kind of hate them because I'm a slow writer... but I can't function as a journalist without them. Being on the phone is wearing on me. I hate leaving voicemail messages. I know, deep down its because I sound like an idiot when I leave a message.

wrote a post last February, and it was somewhat of a confession:

And then I got it. In a way that made me want to lock myself away for fear of all the other hidden agendas I probably have under my belt, hidden so well I'm not even aware of them. I want to be right. I want to win. Not only do I want to be right about God, but I want my opponents--anyone who DARES feel a different kind of certainty about God, anyone with another point of view--to be WRONG. When its time for this world to go by the wayside, I want God to split everyone up into three categories. A wrong group, a right group, and an "I was too busy to care" group. And I want to be in that right group. Right, right, right... I want to be the one who has it all figured out.

Well... I didn't just write a blog, I wrote an entire 4-page essay about it for my senior seminar course. And I think that realizing how I felt had a huge impact on my thoughts and beliefs. But they were still just "My" beliefs. I got some nods, and some "I understands" in my seminar when I read my essay... but not really true affirmation. And I felt a littel weird about the way I felt, frankly...

And then I bought "The Ringing Bell," Derek Webb's new album. It's great, by the way... but in particular, I heard this song...

I Don't Want to Fight

I don't want to be right anymore
I don't want to be good
I don't want to change your mind
Feeling like I do
I don't want to sell graves
Peddle them door to door
A little something to ease your mind
Prepare you for what's in store

Oh I don't want to fight
Brother I'm not joking about peace
We can have it here tonight
It all comes down to you and me

You never asked me to save anyone
not in whole or in part
Like I was some kind of holy ghost
come to change their hearts

Oh I don't want to fight
Brother I'm not joking about peace
We can have it here tonight
It all comes down to you and me

So I'm walking away from this
before I hurt someone
cause I'm facing enemies
from both sides of the gun

Derek Webb is pretty great.


We're not in the movies

I like movies. A lot. Not as much as some...my friend Tabitha has seen and can quote more films than I care to see in my lifetime. She watches a lot of good ones, but she also subjects herself to a lot of crap. I do not object to watching crap, but it has to be the right kind. "Snakes on a Plane" ... good, fun-to-watch crap... "Sleepover" might very well be the best crap film ever made. But she watches crap like "Brave New World."

I'm rambling now... I want to get to my point.

So I hang out with a lot of girls. I have, like two or three guy friends. One is Robbie (gay), Mike (his boyfriend) and Derek (Amy's bf)... so I pretty much don't even think of them as guys. Anyway... not the point...again...

But I am around girls all the time. And I keep running into the same conclusions.

Girls think that real life is like the movies. I know we say this kind of thing a lot. But I truly believe that some girls have completely lost touch of reality.

My friend Jo is the most severe case. I cannot seem to get it across to her that it is lame when a guy says something to her that "sounds like it came from a movie, it was so good," and typically, they probably just ripped it off of a movie, or a handful of movies, you've just never seen. And, to further my point, it is not the great movie one-liners or super-huge gestures that make a relationship work. In fact, I think that if girls are waiting for these things, or a guy is waiting on a girl to give these things to, then there is something just a little off.

Of course movies have these one-liners and huge romantic gestures in them. There is only like 2 hours for the couple to get to their "happily-ever-after." And when you throw in that they have to meet, get together, be torn apart, and get back together again... it is necessary for movie makers to resort to these things to make their movies work.

But its not real, and does a lot of damage when girls think they can live in the movies. I'm just tired of being around that mindset right now. Its kind of a selfish one.

Who even knew...

Who knew the people you met at 18 would be the greatest ever...

These are my Hardy 3rd friends from freshman year. Two of us are married now, and two others are graduated. I can't believe it.



I love these girls.

Marriage, friendship and Harry Potter

There's something about drinking a Coke (no diet, it's gross) that makes you feel like your intestines are going to get eaten away. Kind of like when your car battery is all rusted out, and you pour some Coke on it and viola... no more rust. But I can't stop drinking it. It's not about excess. I'll have, maybe, one can every other day. I just love coke... more than chocolate or potato chips or any of those other things I haven't eaten in a little over a month. I know I might lose weight faster if I stopped drinking my coke... but its not really worth it to me right now. I don't need it, but I love it...

So a little over a week ago I trekked up to southern Michigan for my friend Nichole's wedding. She was the prettiest bride I've ever seen close up. I know people say stuff like this all the time, but Nichole looked prettier than bridal Barbie. And for a slightly grown-up version of a little girl who grew up idolizing Barbie... that is saying a lot.

So...apparently everyone else in the world who is my age (21) is ready for marriage. Yes, I'm just being dramatic. And yes, some of these people are not truly ready for marriage, but I do have a lot of friends who really are. And it got me wondering when my life, and the major growing-up stages of everyone else my age started happening at different times. We all grow up at the exact same rate until that point when POP, the highlights of life start happening at different times for different people. We're all born and learn to eat solid food at the same time, learn to poop on the toilet instead of in our pants, learn to talk... all at relatively the same rate. We start school at the same time... go through puberty at the same time...and graduate together. And this is where it feels like it has ended. Its not that my friends are growing up faster than I am, they're just ready for some things, (marriage, babies) that make me cringe.

So... Tuesday at Midnight I was one of the freaks who went to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix. Although, I didn't wait in any line (fandago is amazing, isn't it) and I didn't sit in the theatre for hours leading up to the show. But I did love, love, LOVE the movie. It was almost perfect. There were entire scenes that played out exactly as they did in my mind when I read the book. And most of the changes the film made did make sense (except, I really missed Fred and George's bog). The end was totally intense and Helena Bonham-Carter was scary, but not as much so as Umbridge. She was the pure, unadulterated kind of evil that makes you hate all government.

I'm a sleepy, sleepy girl, due to the HP late night movie and getting up early for work. I tried to catch up late last night, but it was all just a futile attempt (I'm trying not to harbor any hatred for my sister and a certain boy whose music was so loud last night after 10:30 that the wall to my bedroom was shaking) even though he's been over every night this week and knows (as does she) how early I go to bed.