The time has come... to make a list. I love lists. They are practically the only thing I read out of a textbook anymore. So here it is.
What I've learned about myself this fall
-1- I am political. Apparently, trying to be unpolitical makes me very much so. And I'm a liberal. A dirty, dirty liberal who believes that at our country's foundation, we believe in basic rights for every citizen. This includes rights like marriage, free expression and religious orientation.
-2- I'm anti-social. Meaning, I don't enjoy being around large groups of people. Or most people on a one-on-one basis, really. I'm not sure if this makes me a negative or mean person...but I'm not all that concerned. I like who I like and I avoid everyone else for the most part.
-3- I'm really dependent on my roommate. I've kind of always known this, but it is becoming blaringly obvious to me as of late. Seriously, she's leaving me to go to England and I'm not going to have anything do. She's the one constant in my life at school, and I have no clue what I'll do without her.
-4- I'm a good journalist because God has called me there. I always kind of thought that my talent in newspapers was kind of a fluke. But that view has changed. There is a lot of good to be done in the field. And it's my passion (I'm aware that this makes me a dork). Using my talent for God makes a lot more sense than fruitlessly trying to become good at something I suck at, just because it is a more "Christian" profession.
-5- My life is simple. And simple equals great. A lot of my friends are dealing with so much right now. And I have absolutely all of my needs met. Things are great, God is great. And sometimes it takes the hardships of others to make you realize how good and easy your life really is. And another thing, homework isn't a hardship. It's not even close.
So there's the list. It is not everything I've discovered, but a good chunk of it.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
busyness is the devil
Today was a day from my old life. At least, it feels that way. I've been on the go since 8 this morning. Aerobics, make-up quiz w/ Dr. Brautigam, Chapel, Teaching for Char. Trans., Lunch with communications perspectives, Interview for a story at Coffe D, H-tonian staff meeting...all of these events directly succeeded the other, give or take a few minutes for travel.
This is a huge day for me right now. Usually, I have full hours in the afternoon to sit on my bed, watch a movie, take a nap, do homework, or dig into God's word for enjoyment--whatever I feel like, I do. But last semester, this would have been a normal day in my life. Which got me thinking, especially after chapel this morning...
I have successfully cut out the unnecessary from my life. The extra work that I did to get that extra degree that had started to isolate me from others, and my real self. I got rid of it, and its all behind me. I will not have another day like this one this semester. It was a fluke day that drove me crazy. It used to be that my whole life was this busy, and every day drove me crazy.
But now life is simple, and God is good.
By the way, my little sister is here, making everyone laugh as usual.
This is a huge day for me right now. Usually, I have full hours in the afternoon to sit on my bed, watch a movie, take a nap, do homework, or dig into God's word for enjoyment--whatever I feel like, I do. But last semester, this would have been a normal day in my life. Which got me thinking, especially after chapel this morning...
I have successfully cut out the unnecessary from my life. The extra work that I did to get that extra degree that had started to isolate me from others, and my real self. I got rid of it, and its all behind me. I will not have another day like this one this semester. It was a fluke day that drove me crazy. It used to be that my whole life was this busy, and every day drove me crazy.
But now life is simple, and God is good.
By the way, my little sister is here, making everyone laugh as usual.
Monday, October 23, 2006
You really don't have to say anything, it'll be better that way
I have a friend who is 23 and in the earliest stage of divorce. So early that his side of the bed is still warm, he had to move out just weeks ago. Divorce is ugly, but this one is particularly awful and embarrassing for him and heartbreaking.
And people aren't helping him. Oh, don't get me wrong. Friends and family think they are but they really suck. Here are some examples of the "encouragement" he's been getting, and I'll share his reaction to it with you too.
"You'll be okay. I know it's hard now, but you'll look back and see that this is what is best."
"Don't worry, there is someone out there for you. It'll just take time."
Okay, so I know that these are seemingly nice things to say, but it made him feel crappy. Venting to me today, this is what he said he felt like saying to them:
"I just want to be like......you are all morons and missing the mark. As if I don't know this? I'm not a babbling lost fool."
Sometimes people say things to a person who is hurting just so they can feel better. They think its sympathy, but its lacking a serious amount of empathy that is necessary in being a real friend to that hurting person.
He's been pouring his heart out to me and I just listen. I don't know what else to do, really. It never ocurred to me to do anything at all.
I just needed to vent. People make me angry, and at the same time I wish I knew the perfect thing to say to make him feel better, and to make me feel better.
And people aren't helping him. Oh, don't get me wrong. Friends and family think they are but they really suck. Here are some examples of the "encouragement" he's been getting, and I'll share his reaction to it with you too.
"You'll be okay. I know it's hard now, but you'll look back and see that this is what is best."
"Don't worry, there is someone out there for you. It'll just take time."
Okay, so I know that these are seemingly nice things to say, but it made him feel crappy. Venting to me today, this is what he said he felt like saying to them:
"I just want to be like......you are all morons and missing the mark. As if I don't know this? I'm not a babbling lost fool."
Sometimes people say things to a person who is hurting just so they can feel better. They think its sympathy, but its lacking a serious amount of empathy that is necessary in being a real friend to that hurting person.
He's been pouring his heart out to me and I just listen. I don't know what else to do, really. It never ocurred to me to do anything at all.
I just needed to vent. People make me angry, and at the same time I wish I knew the perfect thing to say to make him feel better, and to make me feel better.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Updating for the sake of it...
This is an update of my life... Nothing is happening and everything is happening. There's no need for specifics here though. Well, maybe some vague ones. Are there such things as vague specifics?
When I was 14 I met a boy and we started dating. He was 17 and lived far away, so we had a relationship over the phone. We broke up, because long distance relationships are usually pointless, and when you're 14 they are definitely pointless. But we really did remain friends. He's one of the best friends I've ever had.
When I went away to college and got busy meeting people and making friends, our calls got less frequent and eventually stopped, partially due to his new fiance. We didn't talk for two years, and I never knew how his wedding turned out, or if he even got married at all. Every once in awhile I would think of him, but I never really thought we'd reconnect.
Last week, he found me on myspace. We emailed back and forth a few times. We got to talk on the phone Wednesday, and he recounted the story of his failed marriage. It was absolutely one of the saddest things I've ever heard from one of my close friends.
But he's so hopeful and he was so apolegetic to me, when that was completely unecessary. And all through this sadness of listening to him, I couldn't help but be glad. I'm glad he found me, and that we could pick back up from where we left off in our friendship. I'm glad I have him back again... I just hate the circumstances.
When I was 14 I met a boy and we started dating. He was 17 and lived far away, so we had a relationship over the phone. We broke up, because long distance relationships are usually pointless, and when you're 14 they are definitely pointless. But we really did remain friends. He's one of the best friends I've ever had.
When I went away to college and got busy meeting people and making friends, our calls got less frequent and eventually stopped, partially due to his new fiance. We didn't talk for two years, and I never knew how his wedding turned out, or if he even got married at all. Every once in awhile I would think of him, but I never really thought we'd reconnect.
Last week, he found me on myspace. We emailed back and forth a few times. We got to talk on the phone Wednesday, and he recounted the story of his failed marriage. It was absolutely one of the saddest things I've ever heard from one of my close friends.
But he's so hopeful and he was so apolegetic to me, when that was completely unecessary. And all through this sadness of listening to him, I couldn't help but be glad. I'm glad he found me, and that we could pick back up from where we left off in our friendship. I'm glad I have him back again... I just hate the circumstances.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Don't be alarmed--I still love Jesus
So today I walked into the Registrar's office and dropped my educational ministries major. Yes. This might seem like a strange thing to you, since the ministry program was my initial reason for coming to Huntington. And there's that small fact that I'm going to be a minister when I grow up. There are a lot of reasons why I made the change--from a youth ministry major to a minor--but the primary one is that I felt convicted. To make a life change. To de-clutter my life. This might sound strange, but I feel like God has called me out of this major, and I feel really free.
The only reason I haven't done this sooner is that I was afraid of disappointing...everyone, but mostly myself. I thought I could do it. Two majors, but I really can't. Not and be the person I want to be in college. Someone who is open and available for her friends. And now, I can probably start that small group with Campus Life.
I've been exhausted this semester. And unhappy. And distant. I want to be real with people again, have time to have vulnerable conversations again.
Who knew, you drop a youth ministry major and suddenly you have time to actually do ministry.
Though I'm writing this at 4:42 a.m. in the news room, because I don't get to go to sleep until we put the Huntingtonian to bed, I feel very good. And free, did I mention that already?
The only reason I haven't done this sooner is that I was afraid of disappointing...everyone, but mostly myself. I thought I could do it. Two majors, but I really can't. Not and be the person I want to be in college. Someone who is open and available for her friends. And now, I can probably start that small group with Campus Life.
I've been exhausted this semester. And unhappy. And distant. I want to be real with people again, have time to have vulnerable conversations again.
Who knew, you drop a youth ministry major and suddenly you have time to actually do ministry.
Though I'm writing this at 4:42 a.m. in the news room, because I don't get to go to sleep until we put the Huntingtonian to bed, I feel very good. And free, did I mention that already?
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Love is not against the Law
Derek Webb says this about love--
Love is hard. I think that love in friendship is harder, because friendships can potentially be over. Most don't last forever. I've had to learn that in the last year with my best friend of six years, and even more recently as I've come back to school. People grow apart. Once you hit high school graduation, people start living live at all different speeds. Some leave the house, mature and never look back. Some get married young, and some look for ways to become independent without having to do anything more adult than put gas in our cars.
With family we know that we have to love each other no matter what. And I think that the danger of friendship is that, when people hurt us, or we feel slighted, the exit sign in the relationship comes into view. We think things like, "I don't need this," and "He/She is just not worth this."
These are ugly thoughts. I hate them. It makes me so sad that we invest ourselves in all the wrong things--jobs, possessions, people. Because people let us down. If, and when this happens, I think that it is the best priority check. So-and-So hurt my feelings and now I feel like my life is over... are my priorities in check, no. Friends, even the best, most selfless ones, do not hold the responsibility of making you feel good all of the time. And if that is how you view someone, as your source of entertainment, comfort or strength, you will always be left wanting.
And yes, blogging is a way to share your thoughts and feelings, but not at the expense of someone else's. Love is confrontational...let's deal with our emotions and stop veiling them behind our need to express ourselves on an irrelevant blog. It's really just cheapening the way we feel. And friends mean more than that, don't they? They just have to, or what's the point? I'll just sit here in my room and seek out companionship on the Internet. I'll join blogrings and facebook groups and I'll rack up names on my buddy list and stop having real conversations with anyone. If I'm not ready to be real with people, I might as well not bother interacting with anyone on a personal level. Because as my beautiful friend Kandace once said and I'll paraphrase, forced social interaction makes me uneasy.
I believe that blogs can be a great medium for self expression. But right now I hate what its becoming. A gossip ring and a safety net, where I can let someone else know how I feel without actually having to face them. Which is why I hope that no one feels targeted in this post.Believe me, I'm dealing with my issues on a more personal level than this post. This post is just me sorting out feelings. And when the situation warrants it, I'll be real with you. Promise.
it's learning to admit
when you've had a hand in setting them up
in
knocking them down
love is not against the law
love is not against
the law
are we defending life
when we just pick and choose
lives
acceptable to lose
and which ones to defend
'cause you cannot choose
your friends
but you choose your enemies
and what if they were one
one and the same
Love is hard. I think that love in friendship is harder, because friendships can potentially be over. Most don't last forever. I've had to learn that in the last year with my best friend of six years, and even more recently as I've come back to school. People grow apart. Once you hit high school graduation, people start living live at all different speeds. Some leave the house, mature and never look back. Some get married young, and some look for ways to become independent without having to do anything more adult than put gas in our cars.
With family we know that we have to love each other no matter what. And I think that the danger of friendship is that, when people hurt us, or we feel slighted, the exit sign in the relationship comes into view. We think things like, "I don't need this," and "He/She is just not worth this."
These are ugly thoughts. I hate them. It makes me so sad that we invest ourselves in all the wrong things--jobs, possessions, people. Because people let us down. If, and when this happens, I think that it is the best priority check. So-and-So hurt my feelings and now I feel like my life is over... are my priorities in check, no. Friends, even the best, most selfless ones, do not hold the responsibility of making you feel good all of the time. And if that is how you view someone, as your source of entertainment, comfort or strength, you will always be left wanting.
And yes, blogging is a way to share your thoughts and feelings, but not at the expense of someone else's. Love is confrontational...let's deal with our emotions and stop veiling them behind our need to express ourselves on an irrelevant blog. It's really just cheapening the way we feel. And friends mean more than that, don't they? They just have to, or what's the point? I'll just sit here in my room and seek out companionship on the Internet. I'll join blogrings and facebook groups and I'll rack up names on my buddy list and stop having real conversations with anyone. If I'm not ready to be real with people, I might as well not bother interacting with anyone on a personal level. Because as my beautiful friend Kandace once said and I'll paraphrase, forced social interaction makes me uneasy.
I believe that blogs can be a great medium for self expression. But right now I hate what its becoming. A gossip ring and a safety net, where I can let someone else know how I feel without actually having to face them. Which is why I hope that no one feels targeted in this post.Believe me, I'm dealing with my issues on a more personal level than this post. This post is just me sorting out feelings. And when the situation warrants it, I'll be real with you. Promise.
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