Why does friendship feel so heavy?

I'm just going to start writing... I'm not quite sure what I want to say yet. Usually I have a particular thought I want to get down, but tonight I'm not sure what I want to say. This week I'm a little dissatisfied with myself. I don't feel like a good enough student, a good enough daughter, a good enough friend. But I'm not sure why I can't get there. Why I can't be the person I know I can be, the person I've successfully been before. My roommate Skeyse and I were talking about this "blah" feeling we've both had this fall, and she thinks it might just be a junior thing. But I think that its something more with me.

I'm going to be honest and say that I haven't been feeling too great lately. All I want to do is sleep, and on Saturdays I've done just that. I'll sleep a little more than 30 hours in a weekend. I get eight hours on weeknights and on the weekends I feel like I have to catch up. My energy just isn't there, and it frustrates me. I've been distancing myself from everyone around me but Skeyse. And she's going to Oxford next semester, so if I don't remedy this its going to be one lonely spring. But that doesn't even scare me, Sarah leaving, which, to me, is a sign that something is wrong. And I want to deal with it, if I could pinpoint why I feel the way I do. I'm afraid that if I have this room to myself all I will do is keep to myself. I'm becoming this hardcore loner and I don't know where it is coming from.

I've also been hit with the realization that all of my friends have monumental problems in their lives, and I'm so frustrated about it. Why does so much hurt exist? Why would someone's father do/say that to her? Why would this beautiful girl be anorexic, and why couldn't I see her struggling with it? Everyone is so broken, I'm broken, and who is there to fix it? I know the answer but right now it seems far from my reality.

When I was younger I prayed for God to give me compassion. Right now I wish my heart were harder, because it really aches inside, to feel this much sorrow for someone else. Her situation has completely thrown me off my axis and I don't feel like I can get oriented again. My heart is so heavy, and her problem seems so huge. And somehow, though I've ignored her issue for almost five years, she still feels like I've been there for her. I wasn't a friend to her at all, not in the way she really needed me. It was so superficial, and even when it was deep, those conversations were superficial, or about me. I used to pour my soul out to her, and I never stopped to see that she might need to bare her soul to me. I don't think it was becuase she didn't want to tell me, I honestly think I never gave her the opportunity.

Now, my friend, your heartache has moved me to tears. I can't stop crying for what you've been through, for how much you still have to deal with, and for the beauty I can see in your story--God moving in your life. I wish you would call so we could have a real conversation. I just want to listen to what your feeling so that I can be praying for you. I have do something, to try and get rid of this heaviness.

I want to get off

Driving back to school last night, I felt really old. I know 20 isn't old, but I felt it. It was a culmination of a lot of things I think, my feeling old. I was talking to Lauren about Katie's third anniversary with her boyfriend, and we were wondering if they might get engaged soon. ENGAGED. I felt like Jo March, and Lauren did too. For anyone who hasn't read Little Women, Jo has three sisters and she's the last to get married. Her whole outlook on life was basically that why should they all get married, when they were so happy being together, just being sisters. And I feel like this all the time, who needs boys, really?

Lauren started crying saying that she didn't want to be this old, that one of the Goddard girls was well on her way to being married. And I felt like crying too but I held it in, because it was ridiculous really, us crying over something that hasn't happened yet.

So that was one thing, and the other thing which made me feel old was John. Good old John, this song really spoke to me, and probably every college junior who is stuck in transition...

No i'm not color blind I know the world is black and white

Try to keep an opened mind i just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train i want to get out and go home again

I can't take the speed it's moving in I know i can

But honestly will someone stop

this train

Don't know how else to say it,

don't want to see my parents go

One generation's length away From fighting life out on my own

Come on stop this train I want to get off and go home again

I can't takethe speed it's moving in

I know i can but honestly won't someone stop this train

So afraid of getting older I'm only good at being young

So i play the numbers game to find a way to say that

life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand You sit
down 68 you'll renegotiate Don't stop this train
Don't follow it moves
the
place you're in I don't think i could ever understand
I tried my
hand John,
honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while
when it's good
It'll feel like it should When you're all still around And you're
still safe
and sound And you don't miss a thing so you cry when you're
driving
away in
the dark. Singing stop this train i want to get out and
go home again I
can't take this speed it's moving in I know i can Cause now
i see i'll never
stop this train

Issue one--check

The first issue of the paper is done. Page seven freaks me out. The worst part of being the editor is having to write an editor's note, and that picture is just too huge. I'm not that kind of reporter, the one who eventually just wants to write opinion columns. No, I'm sure that writing down what other people say is a way better use of my time. I'm not a columnist... my opinion is not that important to me and it changes daily.

Thought the best way to share with you what I've been doing this week is to just give you the link to the web version of what has become my life. Here's the link.

http://www.huntington.edu/newspaper/2006-2007/Issue%201-2006%20for%20Web.pdf

29

29... the number of consecutive hours I was awake from Monday, 7:45 a.m. 'til today, 12:45 p.m.

But the Huntingtonian got finished, and I'm personally proud of all the work that was put into it.

I've only been awake for an hour and now I'm ready to go back to bed. I just needed to get dinner. All-nighters do not agree with my body... I kind of feel like my head is detaching itself from my body, or maybe I have whiplash.

Turning into my busy self

This is my third week of school. The time when you really get to start digging into the courses you are taking. So I thought I would talk about my courses for a little bit. Overall, I really like everything I'm taking and the teachers (some of the students in them are already starting to drive me insane). We'll see how long all of this lasts. Here we go:

Mass Communication: I always love my communication classes because I know everyone in them by now and a lot of times we have fun discussions. Talking about media on a global scale is different for me, as a journalist I've mainly focused on affecting a more local audience. But its been kind of fascinating learning how the big news outlets do it... the biases they have and how the way they present certain issues really affects viewer/reader opinion. This class has birthed in me a hatred for the Fox News Channel (fair and balanced?) that has affected how I watch the news. Propoganda is out there in all the media outlets, and you have critically evaluate everything you are taking in, from either a liberal or conservative bent. Plus, we get to engage in media in the class by watching documentaries, news casts, and listening to speakers. Its been pretty great so far.

Journalism Practicum: This is the third time I've taken this class, but so far its been my favorite time. I am one of three upperclassmen in it, and I kind of feel like I'm there to help out the freshmen who are just starting out with their portfolios and their journalism majors. Plus, as editor of the Huntingtonian this year, they all know me and think I can answer all of their questions. Whether that is a fair assumption or not, this class is like an affirmation session for me. Plus there is a lot of positive relationship-building going on between me and Slang and our new reporting staff. They are all taking everything so seriously, it makes me happy, and its a little pathetic at the same time.

Public Policy: This is the class that might turn into my favorite this semester, because its just freakin' fascinating. Plus, my favorite gen. ed. prof is teaching it, which was a total surprise when I got my schedule this summer. So far we've discussed a ton of stuff that I learned in media law (my FAVORITE class from last year, besides Hebrew) and it is fun to discuss things like the 1st Amendment from a different point of view, and to listen to how non-communication students feel about their freedom of speech and other civil liberties. The only bad thing is the narrow-mindess that comes into play when we discuss issues like legalized prostitution and abortion. People cannot seem to grasp the idea that everyone does not have "Christian" mores, and that every young girl who gets knocked up does not have it coming to her. When I get in an enclosed room with fourty students who know that their opinion is the only right one, I get really uncomfortable. It actually makes me physically sick. So, this class is going to be a challenge for me. I'm excited.

Biblical Interpretation: This class is my heaviest work load, but so far I'm really liking it. Dr. Fairchild is amazing, and even though his class is at 8 a.m. and is 75 minutes long, I'm excited to go in the morning because this stuff is really revolutionary to me. I mean, the Bible is kind of turning into this amazing puzzle to me, where I get to search for key words and themes and the purpose behind some of the things Paul writes in I Timothy. It's hard, and I have a million questions all of the time. Right now I'm in the middle of making observations on the book as a whole, and I cannot wait until I'm done so I can look to commentaries to answer some of my questions. The Bible is so amazing... that to fully understand it the way God intends us to, scholars have developed a system that can take hours just to delve into 12 verses. And it is thousands of years old and it is living, and God communicates to us in it. I sound like a dork but this is just so awesome to me.

Teaching for Character Transformation:
I really like that I'm taking this class after my internship this summer, and I hate it at the same time. Because when we are talking about approaches and principles of how students learn, I can picture myself teaching certain things and using the techniques we talk about to the students from home, but I get frustrated when I think about how much better I could have been when I was teaching, just from what I've learned in the past three weeks of class, and also using concepts from Bib Interp. My professor is crazy, but you can tell she loves what she's doing. I wish that we could have better discussion in there though, no one will talk.


So, this is what I'm learning right now. On top of everything I'm learning as the editor, which has been so much. I'm confident that at the end of this semester, I will be both older and wiser... hehe :)

Leave poor Disney out of this

After reading the latest posts by both Michelle Malkin and Juan Cole, it became apparent what issues are hot on the minds of both conservative and liberal political thinkers. For the Democrats of this nation, like Cole, Bush’s address this week is of high priority. Basically, Cole called our President a liar when he talked about what Cole is calling the “Abu Zubayda myth”—a story Bush is telling about the capture of a terrorist just months after September 11 who Bush labeled as a close ally to Osama Bin Laden. He said that this man helped us capture another Al-Qaeda leader, but Cole is saying that the government had the information they used to capture this man an entire month before 9/11. So, is our President throwing out lies to distract the public from something? Cole says yes.

For Republicans like Michelle Malkin, there was a clear target this week—Walt Disney. ABC’s decision to cut an allegedly anti-Clinton, anti-Democrat sequence out of its made-for-tv special, “Path to 9/11” was the topic of her blog. Malkin called the left-wing supporters “bullies and thugs” who have been emboldened by their victory over ABC in this case. Apparently, our right to protest and petition for something we believe in automatically creates bullies. But anyhow, I’m not sure that Malkin’s blog of the week speaks of the most relevant news today. Okay, so we know that Disney is evil, and now they are giving into the conniving left-wing protestors…blah-blah. We’ve heard all of this before, it’s getting a little old. And I’m still going to watch Beauty and the Beast because it is my favorite movie of all time and that will never change.

And yes, I know that targeting Bush is getting quite as old as the way conservatives berate the most magical corporation on earth, but at least democrats seem to have some weight and value behind their arguments.

My double life

Sometimes I feel like I'm becoming two very different people. Specifically, a minister and a journalist. Fitting, I know, since I'm an ed. ministries/journalism double major. The only reason I came to Huntington was because God gave me the means to be here, and I have always believed that God is blessing me by letting me pursue journalism. Anywhere else, I would be a ministry major, just a ministry major.

But here I am, living two lives. One is like home to me. Working on the Huntingtonian and writing and copy editing... all of these things feel like an extension of myself. I'm the most comfortable and pleased with myself when I'm working on a newspaper. And I'm good at it, not just competent. I know that I'm good at it. I've never felt more confident about anything. And since I was 12 this is what I saw myself doing with my life.

My minstry self is at most times completely void of any self confidence. Working at a church this summer was so hard, giving so much of myself to students drained me everyday. And I just don't feel like any of my large group teachings went very well. Even when I would have to stand up in front of the church, just to give a 30 second announcement, my body and voice would shake. God gave me encouragement everywhere though, but especially in the junior high girls small group I had at my house. I miss those girls so much.

When I turned 16, I realized that my plans are not always what God has for me. Now I know that I'm called to work with students fulltime. And I've always looked at journalism like something I have to give up when the time comes to go into vocational ministry. In high school my thoughts about my future were rigid like that... God was calling me to give up my dreams of being a journalist and become a youth minister. Now I know that I'm not two people. I know that all of gifts and talents, as well as my deficiencies, are all a part of my calling from God. Its just frustrating because how it all is going to fit together is completely beyond my understanding. And I think that, even though I love journalism and the fact that I'm so good at it is appealing, that it is not always something that is beneficial to me because so much of it comes from me... my talents, my writing, my knowledge. My ministry is always going to come from God, because let's face it, I kind of suck at it right now. The only time things are good is when I don't feel like I'm doing any of the work, but the spirit is taking what I've prepared and speaking through it.

So this is something I've been struggling with for awhile. Why would God create me to be so good at one thing, and call me into a totally different vocation? I think that His biggest answer is dependence. He doesn't want me to lean on my own talents and understanding, but to cling to him to get me through. I have no idea why he thinks I'm a worthy enough spokesperson, but I think that in my ministry the message is always going to end up being more appealing than the messenger, which does give me comfort in all this uncertainty.