When I say overwhelmed, I think I mean weary. Weary of learning how someone you cherish is living a life less than what he/she deserves. Weary of not being able to fix it, in your own life or in others.
My world is minuscule right now. So, so small. And I can't get it. That perspective I need. I try to channel some, I really do. Last week I ate lunch at a table with a woman from my old church who has managed to beat a serious case of ovarian cancer. She battled... hard. And won, and does nothing but say that God did it all. And man, she is one hilarious lady. I was laughing so hard about her losing her hair... my stomach started to hurt and I had tears in my eyes before I realized that I was laughing. About someone losing their hair in chemo. This woman is not just a fighter... she's a miracle. She's magical.
Her problems were big. Mine are so much smaller... I can handle my mess. I own my mess, and it can be taken care of. I'm still in control of it, you know. Even when the weight of it all, the sadness and the joy, and the sheer absurdity of life feels like it might crush me. I can feel it pressing down on my rib cage and my sternum... kind of like someone is laying on top of me sometimes. And it sucks and I can't breathe, and you begin to wish for numbness so that you can breathe again. Then, when I'm smart, I pray. I remember that I'm alone in my car, or at work, and that there is no one, nothing on top of me. And its just me and my mess and I can manage it. My problems are small, manageable.
At work they've devised a contraption to capture lady beetles. I got to use it today. Its a five-foot long piece of plastic tubing with a plastic bag adhered to the bottom of it. I found the dreaded bug that did not belong in our clean room environment, placed the tube to the ceiling, and the bug went down, down into the darkness and joined his little friends in the plastic baggie. Where he will surely suffocate and die. Now, that lady beetle has a huge problem. Mine are small, manageable. It's my mess. I own it... I can fix it. Thank God.
I will leave you with a photo of my new favorite babysitting charge, Carl. I watched him over the weekend, then I dropped him off at daycare, where he's going to stay while his mom and dad enjoy their vacation in Miami.
I'll admit, it is pretty hard to say no to this face.... :)
