(Not so much) Sex and the Single Girl...

This past month at church we've been talking about sex and marriage. And, to be honest, its been a lot of me sitting there taking the message in, but feeling awkward because I know the things Matt had to say were meant for other people. And most of it made me thankful that I was, indeed, very, very single. :)

But Sunday the message was meant directly for me. It was about being single in the sexually free world we live in. And you know what Matt had to say... it wasn't groundbreaking stuff. But it was uplifting, and the encouragement I think I have been missing the last few years in this stage in my life.

You see, when you are a girl who has been single for over five years, and most of your friends are either married or on the marriage track, you start to feel like you are doing something wrong. Like maybe I'm not living the life that I'm supposed to be living because I'm not pursuing marriage, or even a dating relationship at this point. And today I realized that this feeling, that maybe I'm unnatural or close-minded or just scared of relationships... well, that feeling comes from other people's insecurities with people who choose to be single. In I Corinthians, the same letter where Paul tells men how to respect their wives, and women how to meet their husbands needs... Paul tells us that:

"An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

You see, just because a marriage can be blessed by God, that doesn't mean a life of singleness can't be. I know that I've been called to be living my life this way... at least for now. And Matt, who has never met me and doesn't know a thing about my life, really encouraged me in this. There was something he said that I really liked about why intentional singleness can be so hard for married folks to relate to. He said that in many marriages, one spouse feels completed by the other. Why wouldn't everyone want to find someone to fill that void? But if my devotion is to the Lord... well then that's what completes me.

And believe me, I don't say that cavalierly. Singleness is a lonely state. I have amazing sisters and friends and parents and coworkers and roommates who occupy almost all my time. But I am alone a lot. It has me leading a life full of bad habits, like falling asleep with my laptop playing a movie off Netflix. And to be fair, I don't know if I feel more alone in my thoughts and decisions than the average married person... I just know that sometimes I'm envious of women who have a man in their lives. To help them move, go to the recycling center, pick out furniture or a cell phone or a car, to go to traffic court with them and hold their hand, to get the oil changed in their car, to take them to the doctor when they don't feel up to driving. Sometimes I wish that I had someone to take care of me, or at least to live life alongside me in a deeper way (note: my parents and friends do more than their share of taking care of me... so much so that I feel like I take advantage... note #2: I'm aware that this is a weakness in my feminist ideology). That's the thing about deciding to let God be the center of your devotion, you have to keep making that decision every day. He's not there in the same tangible way a life partner is. The burden is on you to keep that connection going. Its not an easier life, or a harder one. Its just different. Different can be scary.

Somewhere along the line, I let myself forget how this singleness thing got started in my life. It was a calling, for sure. I was in this relationship with a nice guy who loved me, but after almost a year into it I hit a metaphorical wall. It was like I was living life distracted. Every one of my plans had him in mind.... and they just were not the plans God had for me, for either of us. I spent a month the summer before college in some intense prayer, and God more than showed me a way out, it was like he released that need in me to be connected to someone in that way. God's plan is always a better one for me. I'm still trying to figure out what that plan is, but I have very little doubt that it involves me living like this, single, with undivided devotion, for the foreseeable future. And in my state of total disaster and uncertainty... it is nice to feel a semblance of surety.

Lent and Homesickness

Why has it taken me until know to really hear Greg Laswell's stuff? "Comes and Goes" (some of the song posted below) is so great.

This one's for the lonely
The ones that seek and find
Only to be let down
Time after time
This one's for the torn down
The experts at the fall
Come on friends get up now
You're not alone at all

This one's for the faithless
The ones that are surprised
They are only where they are now
Regardless of their fight
This one's for believing
If only for it's sake
Come on friends get up now
Love is to be made

Between the ages of 11 and 18, I was really big into writing verse. Isn't that something every adolescent girl does though? Lay around on her bed, filling notebooks with deep, heartfelt dribble that rhymed... okay, probably not all girls... but I'm sure this wasn't a unique practice to me. Looking back, I guess its kind of sweet that I spent so many nights writing my thoughts, hopes and prayers like they meant so much, just because they meant a lot to me. And man, I thought that crap was so good that I even subjected people to it on occasion. But like I said, I don't think I've written anything resembling a poem since I started college.

And lately I wish that I had more of that poetry writer inside of me. She was silly to be sure, and on the superficial side. But I was a kid who felt deeply. I hadn't built up very many barriers when it came to my emotions. And most importantly, I felt the freedom to express myself. I've turned into a self-critic, especially when it comes to writing. When I start a blog post, or a story, I just think the piece to death. Learning more about writing has kind of imprisoned me. I don't want to write something unless it is smart, or funny--even if its for myself. And when you are concerned with sounding smart, you lose the honesty in the whole thing.

And so I haven't been writing like I should be, or reading much of anything. Because when I read, or hear a really good song... I feel homesick for the self-expression the I love. I have sat down at this computer several times, with every intention of writing something, and I just feel like I have forgotten how to do it. It's like I can't get back home... I desperately want to go back and erase that statement... but I have got to stop editing myself.

So its the season of Lent. And I haven't had any sugar in my system since Fat Tuesday (I've only had one day at work when I was sitting in the cafeteria, convince that a candy bar would solve all of my problems). But I think that I am going to use these fourty days leading up to Easter to focus on my writing, and see if I can gain back a little bit of what I've lost...