Obedience... its not a word that I like very much, probably because I suck at it. Ask my parents. But yesterday in church I had an epiphany of sorts. It was like a huge amount of old truth hit me in a new and real way. We were singing a song called "Unfailing Love" and we came to these lyrics-- "And everything you hold in your hand, Still you make time for me, I can't understand." And at that moment I really couldn't understand. Why would God put up with all of my crap, my disobedience?
During our communion meditation I started thinking about the things I fill my time with, the thoughts that I have all the time that are just starting to eat away at my relationship with God. And I thought about how much God has given me, what He gives me everyday and I do absolutely nothing for him that is free from an alterior motive. And I really have nothing of worth to give God but my love and obedience. I kind of feel like I'm in the preschool years of my faith, I rebel just enough to see what God is going to do about it, but I know that He has what is best for me. And I'm not four, obedience should not be a dirty word. It shouldn't be hard for me to love people and give God what he deserves--my heart, my talents and my time. But I'm having a lot difficulties giving that to hime without feeling like I would be happier if I were living for me. I am just so incredibly frustrated with my attitude--its like I know in my head that I'm acting ridiculous but I can't stop feeling that way.
When I was a little girl I went to this Baptist youth camp every summer that I absolutely loved. Every year we sang this song, its probably the only one I remember, because this was like 10 years ago. But the lyrics went like this: "I'll obey to serve you, I'll obey to show I love you. I'll obey, my life is in your hands. It's the way to prove my love when feelings go away. If it costs me everything, I'll obey." I've just been thinking about those words. And this summer I really have not been getting any of the feel-good stuff from him. Those feelings are not always going to be there. True spiritual growth happens in the rock-bottom valleys of faith, not the times when God picks you up and mercifully does all of the work for you. It should be really simple to obey God because it is just the outflow of my love for him. But I'm crap, I really am.
Pedro the Lion says it best:
You know I want to be like Jesus
But it seems so far away
When will I learn to obey
Obey
Monday, June 19, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Weddings, Cheesecake and a Sinus Infection
Kristi Cochran is now Mrs. Sluka and that is so beautiful. I think that the whole wedding/marriage thing makes sense to me in a new way after this weekend, my first bridesmaid experience. It was so cool that they were willing to go through that entire weekend, all the money and stress related to it, just so that they could stand up as examples of what love is supposed to look like between two of God's children. They were both so happy, and the wedding was gorgeous.
Weddings have been on my mind the last month as I was preparing myself to lose Kristi in the relational context I'm used to, since she is obviously not going to be living with us on R3 next year. And I kept thinking how many times the New Testament talks about our relationship with Christ as one between a bride and a groom. I guess it is the closest earthly picture we have of that beautiful union, and I think that Kristi and Phil's wedding was such a cool celebration of what we have to look forward to one day with Jesus.
And Kristi was so beautiful she made me cry...Seriously. And I got to eat sweets for the first time in weeks. Chocolate Rasberry Truffle from Cheesecake factory, an embarrassing bachelorette cake make by Skeyse's mom, and Kristi's dad's famous cake at the wedding. Now that it is okay to eat sweets again, that seems to be the only thing I want to do. I think I'll give myself this week and abstain from them for at least another month. I was feeling pretty healthy before I started eating all of that crap again.
The beautful Nichole came home with me after the wedding and got to sleep a few nights in the OC, and that is basically all we did, being as tired as we were from the decorating, the sleeping in strange beds, and the walking around all day in riduculously uncomfortable shoes. But it was really good to have that little bit of goodbye time together. Because yes, two of my friends are leaving me in the fall. I think Nichole driving away from my house was even sadder to me than Kristi getting herself tied to a man forever (just joking, my lovely friend) because I'll still see Kristi practically every day and Nichole is going to be practically gone from my Huntington life. It is really sad, but beautiful at the same time because this whole thing is such a good fit for her. And she's getting married next summer and I'm really excited for that.
I am rambling so much that I almost forgot to talk about the third point in my title. I'm sick. My allergies have been pretty mad at me the last few days and it has been hard to breathe. But I think its been a blessing, because I took Monday afternoon off to got to the Dr. and rest, and that enabled me to go serve at the Community Kitchen in Bloomington with two girls in the youth group. They called and needed a third, so I took an advil for my headache and went to clean and serve meals to people for a few hours. Everyone there is so amazingly nice and it felt good to be giving people a good meal. And it was amazing because I didn't cough or sneeze the entire time I was there, which I was kind of afraid was all I was going to be doing. Yay, God is good.
Weddings have been on my mind the last month as I was preparing myself to lose Kristi in the relational context I'm used to, since she is obviously not going to be living with us on R3 next year. And I kept thinking how many times the New Testament talks about our relationship with Christ as one between a bride and a groom. I guess it is the closest earthly picture we have of that beautiful union, and I think that Kristi and Phil's wedding was such a cool celebration of what we have to look forward to one day with Jesus.
And Kristi was so beautiful she made me cry...Seriously. And I got to eat sweets for the first time in weeks. Chocolate Rasberry Truffle from Cheesecake factory, an embarrassing bachelorette cake make by Skeyse's mom, and Kristi's dad's famous cake at the wedding. Now that it is okay to eat sweets again, that seems to be the only thing I want to do. I think I'll give myself this week and abstain from them for at least another month. I was feeling pretty healthy before I started eating all of that crap again.
The beautful Nichole came home with me after the wedding and got to sleep a few nights in the OC, and that is basically all we did, being as tired as we were from the decorating, the sleeping in strange beds, and the walking around all day in riduculously uncomfortable shoes. But it was really good to have that little bit of goodbye time together. Because yes, two of my friends are leaving me in the fall. I think Nichole driving away from my house was even sadder to me than Kristi getting herself tied to a man forever (just joking, my lovely friend) because I'll still see Kristi practically every day and Nichole is going to be practically gone from my Huntington life. It is really sad, but beautiful at the same time because this whole thing is such a good fit for her. And she's getting married next summer and I'm really excited for that.
I am rambling so much that I almost forgot to talk about the third point in my title. I'm sick. My allergies have been pretty mad at me the last few days and it has been hard to breathe. But I think its been a blessing, because I took Monday afternoon off to got to the Dr. and rest, and that enabled me to go serve at the Community Kitchen in Bloomington with two girls in the youth group. They called and needed a third, so I took an advil for my headache and went to clean and serve meals to people for a few hours. Everyone there is so amazingly nice and it felt good to be giving people a good meal. And it was amazing because I didn't cough or sneeze the entire time I was there, which I was kind of afraid was all I was going to be doing. Yay, God is good.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Saturday in my pajamas
Okay, so I haven't changed out of my tank top in shorts I slept in, but its my day off and being a bum is what I love to do. Though my appearance does not warrant it, I did get a lot done today.
My mommy turned 47 today and my sisters and I decided to get her framed portraits of us taken... well at least I took them. What good is a $200 camera anyway, if I can't use on for someone I love. We framed four pictures, one 5x7 of each of us girls and an 8x10 of the three of us together. We took them at Butler on Monday when we visited Katie. And today while my parents went out on a date Lauren and I mounted them in their bedroom. This, unfortunately required some spackling and touch-up painted when Lauren made some unecessary holes in the wall. She was adorable, she kept calling herselp Bob Villa.
Lauren also made her a cookie cake as a surprise. I'm excited, birthdays are my favorite thing, except my own of course. We also tried to finish mulching the huge new flower garden in our backyard, but we ran out of landscaping fabric and a trip to Wal-Mart is apparently required to get the job finished. Does a day ever go by where I don't have to go to Wal-Mart, I've hardly been free of that place for a day since I've been home.
Lauren went and got us dinner, baked spaghetti from Pizza Hut, and we watched In her Shoes, which came this week from Netflix. I like my day off, its good to me.
My mommy turned 47 today and my sisters and I decided to get her framed portraits of us taken... well at least I took them. What good is a $200 camera anyway, if I can't use on for someone I love. We framed four pictures, one 5x7 of each of us girls and an 8x10 of the three of us together. We took them at Butler on Monday when we visited Katie. And today while my parents went out on a date Lauren and I mounted them in their bedroom. This, unfortunately required some spackling and touch-up painted when Lauren made some unecessary holes in the wall. She was adorable, she kept calling herselp Bob Villa.
Lauren also made her a cookie cake as a surprise. I'm excited, birthdays are my favorite thing, except my own of course. We also tried to finish mulching the huge new flower garden in our backyard, but we ran out of landscaping fabric and a trip to Wal-Mart is apparently required to get the job finished. Does a day ever go by where I don't have to go to Wal-Mart, I've hardly been free of that place for a day since I've been home.
Lauren went and got us dinner, baked spaghetti from Pizza Hut, and we watched In her Shoes, which came this week from Netflix. I like my day off, its good to me.
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