In case you didn't know, nothing ever happens in my life. Drama happens all around me, and I just get the reflected glow off of everyone else's excitement. But I'm no complaining, I love my drama-free life. But the more crap I help people deal with, or listen to people vent as they deal with it, the more I realize that I live through people a lot. And I live through characters I read about and watch in movies. Its a very safe life, and I'm very happy by my standards. But last night I watched Shadowlands, this movie about how C.S. Lewis got married to this loud mouthed yankee poet. And I think when Lewis met Joy he realized that he had been living life really safe because he didn't let too many people into it that challenged him. He was always the best in his social circles. The most intelligent, the best writer, the best debator... he didn't have a single challenging relationship until he met Joy.
And it got me thinking... I don't want to live safe anymore. Lord, I think I'm ready to have my own experiences again. I want to allow the people in my life to not only support me, but challenge me to become who you've called me to be. I know I'm falling short right now, and it feels like I'm not really living. I know if I come to you willing to change, you'll work with me. We'll see how it goes.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
You are what you write
Dear Blogspot,
I read the article "Words of Caution: Bloggers who use Web to grouse about the workplace face employers' wrath as companies put limits on employees' speech" in the Indianapolis Star on Sunday. And I want to confess about something right now. I am fully aware that my identity is revealed on this blog. My real name and picture are used to personalize it. I also know that because I post my thoughts and feelings and stories on blogspot, anyone in the world can access it. Therefore, if I ever write anything to hurt my reputation or the reputation of a friend, family member or employer, it will be my own fault if I am punished in some way. So blogspot, I'm sorry that people are blaming you for their stupidity. If they wouldn't ride down street with a bullhorn reading their posts, maybe they shouldn't be posting it in the firstplace. Journals are for the things you need to write but are afraid to offend with... blogs are for writing for others to share in your life. And when I say others, you know I mean anyone in the entire world who is smart enough to use the Internet, right? The only reason underground newspapers are worth anything is that no one can figure out who is trashing them. I think we can learn a lot from this, blogspot.
And also, my dear friend, I want to apologize for your other users out there who think they are being mysterious when they talk about a friend who stabbed them in the back or hurt their feelings, but think its okay to talk hatefully about someone because they omit a name. And yes, we ALL know who they are talking about. No one is as mysterious as they think they are. So sorry, blogspot, that we misuse you and blame you when someone gets hurt... or we get fired.
I read the article "Words of Caution: Bloggers who use Web to grouse about the workplace face employers' wrath as companies put limits on employees' speech" in the Indianapolis Star on Sunday. And I want to confess about something right now. I am fully aware that my identity is revealed on this blog. My real name and picture are used to personalize it. I also know that because I post my thoughts and feelings and stories on blogspot, anyone in the world can access it. Therefore, if I ever write anything to hurt my reputation or the reputation of a friend, family member or employer, it will be my own fault if I am punished in some way. So blogspot, I'm sorry that people are blaming you for their stupidity. If they wouldn't ride down street with a bullhorn reading their posts, maybe they shouldn't be posting it in the firstplace. Journals are for the things you need to write but are afraid to offend with... blogs are for writing for others to share in your life. And when I say others, you know I mean anyone in the entire world who is smart enough to use the Internet, right? The only reason underground newspapers are worth anything is that no one can figure out who is trashing them. I think we can learn a lot from this, blogspot.
And also, my dear friend, I want to apologize for your other users out there who think they are being mysterious when they talk about a friend who stabbed them in the back or hurt their feelings, but think its okay to talk hatefully about someone because they omit a name. And yes, we ALL know who they are talking about. No one is as mysterious as they think they are. So sorry, blogspot, that we misuse you and blame you when someone gets hurt... or we get fired.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
A father to the fatherless
My dad hit me once. I couldn't tell you why or how old I was...I know it was in the morning before school and that I probably smarted off, but I can still picture the back of his hand coming toward me. And the way I felt as I fell into the corner of the hallway, so small and helpless. That feeling will probably never leave me. But I wasn't hurt physically--my daddy would never injure me. He's a great dad, really. I've never, ever told anyone other than my mother about that fateful morning. Not my sisters, not my closest friends. But I feel like I have to get that out before I can sort through everything that I'm feeling right now--I'm not saying it for any kind of sympathy, I haven't thought about the incident in years because it is so insignificant. But I do have to say it because that 3 seconds of my life, when I made contact with his hand and started to fall away from him toward the ground, is the closest I'm ever going to feel to being fatherless.
One of my closest friends has always been, and will always be without a dad. Her mom and grandparents and aunt and uncle, and even her most loving boyfriend have more than filled any void he could have left, but she's been without just the same. And something happened recently that has mucked up all this crap that she's not felt in awhile, and she's feeling pretty fatherless right now. It has to do with letters and money and her coming to grips with the kind of man he really is. There seems to be no integrity in him at all, just the appearance of it. Growing up my friend's dad was always a touchy subject... I just knew that he stayed away and that's exactly what she wanted. He supported her as impersonally as he could... a simply check in the mail at the appropriate time. But once in sixth grade he mailed her a letter. She never read it. Today, after the past few weeks he's put her and her mom through, she told me that she feels justified in keeping him away from her heart the way she always has. And her saying that completely broke my heart. Because, why do I get a dad when she doesn't?
Sometimes I think God established a father/child relationship because there is nothing more natural and beautiful than a dad loving his daughter or son with all that he has. Playing with her, praying for her, providing for her. And it has always helped me understand God better, to think of him as a dad similar to mine. One who is constantly frustrated with his ungrateful, sometimes unloving child, but would do anything for her at the same time. But I also think God is our father because some people simply don't have one, or they have such an awful dad that they would be better off without. The Lord allows us to call him Dad because sometimes we just need one.
One of my closest friends has always been, and will always be without a dad. Her mom and grandparents and aunt and uncle, and even her most loving boyfriend have more than filled any void he could have left, but she's been without just the same. And something happened recently that has mucked up all this crap that she's not felt in awhile, and she's feeling pretty fatherless right now. It has to do with letters and money and her coming to grips with the kind of man he really is. There seems to be no integrity in him at all, just the appearance of it. Growing up my friend's dad was always a touchy subject... I just knew that he stayed away and that's exactly what she wanted. He supported her as impersonally as he could... a simply check in the mail at the appropriate time. But once in sixth grade he mailed her a letter. She never read it. Today, after the past few weeks he's put her and her mom through, she told me that she feels justified in keeping him away from her heart the way she always has. And her saying that completely broke my heart. Because, why do I get a dad when she doesn't?
Sometimes I think God established a father/child relationship because there is nothing more natural and beautiful than a dad loving his daughter or son with all that he has. Playing with her, praying for her, providing for her. And it has always helped me understand God better, to think of him as a dad similar to mine. One who is constantly frustrated with his ungrateful, sometimes unloving child, but would do anything for her at the same time. But I also think God is our father because some people simply don't have one, or they have such an awful dad that they would be better off without. The Lord allows us to call him Dad because sometimes we just need one.
"Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds--his
name is the LORD--and rejoice before him. A father to the fatherless, a defender
of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he
leads forth the prisoners with singing..." Psalm 68 5-6
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