For the past three weeks, since the bloody day I mailed in my Pulliam internship application, I haven't been sleeping well. I have these sores on the inside of my cheeks, because I've been biting my mouth in my sleep, and I'm lucky if I sleep four consecutive hours. This is not me. I am a unabashed heavy, sometimes to the point of snoring, sleeper. But this is a huge thing.... where am I going to intern? Where am I going to live this summer...? I like the unknown as long as it is not imminently upon me.
So I'm not sure that its a coincidence that mere hours after I got the call, telling me I'd won a Pulliam internship for the summer, that I fell asleep for three hours, from 6-9 p.m. No more unknown. Nothing more to worry about. What am I going to do with myself. Sleep, and sleep some more.
I'm so excited. I'll be working at the Martinsville Reporter-Times and living at home. I'll still get to do stuff with OVCF, and my bestest friend Shelle is going to be finally spending a summer at home. So we'll get to see loads of each other.
The actual newspaper part, though, leaves me a little nervous. But there is no point in getting nervous about that now. It will be hard work but, its kind of my dream, so I guess I'm going to love it.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
Spring Break was really good, and coming back to school was kind of harsh. Prob and Stat Exam, huge feature story due, anxiously awaiting my rejection letter from the Pulliam Foundation. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to get a full nights sleep again. I blame my stupid worrying, but I also blame my new habit. I've started to go to bed early, then set my alarm early in the morning so that I can study/finish my assignment for my 9:00 so that I can get more sleep. This does not tur S out very well, sadly. And I've started to get these sores on the inside of my cheeks, and Slang told me that her dentist said that its a stress thing--she's been doing the same thing. And I've been dreaming a whole lot more, lately. Disturbing dreams, where I'm the bad guy. I don't like being the bad guy.
I figured out my schedule for next semester and filled out my graduation application. A handful of required classes and I'm done with school. So scary. I don't even know what I want to do with myself tomorrow afternoon, let alone after school. I am thinking that I really want to go to graduate school, but this is going to mean taking out loans and thats scary on a whole other level. IUPUI has this masters in media studies program that looks really fun, but who knows what I'll want to do next year.
Just venting until I got tired enough to close my eyes. I think I'm there.
I figured out my schedule for next semester and filled out my graduation application. A handful of required classes and I'm done with school. So scary. I don't even know what I want to do with myself tomorrow afternoon, let alone after school. I am thinking that I really want to go to graduate school, but this is going to mean taking out loans and thats scary on a whole other level. IUPUI has this masters in media studies program that looks really fun, but who knows what I'll want to do next year.
Just venting until I got tired enough to close my eyes. I think I'm there.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
To the friend that I miss
Dear friend,
I'm angry with you. And I know it isn't all your fault--I am prepared to shoulder some of the blame. But seriously, where have you been? Weekly phone calls have ceased and you aren't even responding to my emails anymore. I'm starting to feel like a desperate, needy friend. Kind of like a role-reversal, no offense. But when you contacted me this fall I knew it was because you didn't feel like you had anyone else. And I was there. It was awkward as hell to be there for you, listening to the really adult problems you were going through and not telling you my opinion when you were backsliding a little. But you got stronger, and you got happier. Which made me so happy, you have no idea how good it feels to know that you are moving forward from this, that you're going to be okay. But really friend, I'm starting to feel like since you don't need me anymore, you're not going to make the effort to keep our friendship alive. You've done this before, and I feel like we are reverting back to our old habits.
If I've done anything, or said anything, to make you want to stay away, I'd like to know so that I can understand why this is happening. And even if it is something going on completely on your end, I'd still like to know why this relationship doesn't seem to be in existence anymore. I have plenty of spare time this semester, you don't have to feel weird about calling me, promise. I don't have to make time for you anymore, I have the time to be your friend. I didn't have that time last semester, but I made sure I was available. And now that Sarah isn't here, you are the person who I'm the closest to emotionally, and you aren't returning my calls/emails. Why, friend? I'm the one who needs you now, can't you pick up on that? I don't want a huge commitment. I just want to stay caught up in your life so I know how I can be praying for you, how you are doing. And it would be nice to have someone I can be vulnerable with... because I just don't have that without you and Sarah.
I'm sure that this letter isn't fair, I'm just venting my frustrations. I'll be okay if this thing dies again, I know I will. But I was so sure we were going to be okay this time. That this was the journey we were supposed to take, that God was a part of you coming back into my life, in a new, completely friends, no-awkwardness way. I'll be okay, but it doesn't mean it hurts less right now.
Sincerely,
Sarah
I'm angry with you. And I know it isn't all your fault--I am prepared to shoulder some of the blame. But seriously, where have you been? Weekly phone calls have ceased and you aren't even responding to my emails anymore. I'm starting to feel like a desperate, needy friend. Kind of like a role-reversal, no offense. But when you contacted me this fall I knew it was because you didn't feel like you had anyone else. And I was there. It was awkward as hell to be there for you, listening to the really adult problems you were going through and not telling you my opinion when you were backsliding a little. But you got stronger, and you got happier. Which made me so happy, you have no idea how good it feels to know that you are moving forward from this, that you're going to be okay. But really friend, I'm starting to feel like since you don't need me anymore, you're not going to make the effort to keep our friendship alive. You've done this before, and I feel like we are reverting back to our old habits.
If I've done anything, or said anything, to make you want to stay away, I'd like to know so that I can understand why this is happening. And even if it is something going on completely on your end, I'd still like to know why this relationship doesn't seem to be in existence anymore. I have plenty of spare time this semester, you don't have to feel weird about calling me, promise. I don't have to make time for you anymore, I have the time to be your friend. I didn't have that time last semester, but I made sure I was available. And now that Sarah isn't here, you are the person who I'm the closest to emotionally, and you aren't returning my calls/emails. Why, friend? I'm the one who needs you now, can't you pick up on that? I don't want a huge commitment. I just want to stay caught up in your life so I know how I can be praying for you, how you are doing. And it would be nice to have someone I can be vulnerable with... because I just don't have that without you and Sarah.
I'm sure that this letter isn't fair, I'm just venting my frustrations. I'll be okay if this thing dies again, I know I will. But I was so sure we were going to be okay this time. That this was the journey we were supposed to take, that God was a part of you coming back into my life, in a new, completely friends, no-awkwardness way. I'll be okay, but it doesn't mean it hurts less right now.
Sincerely,
Sarah
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