Clearing the air

I love the fall, the crispness in the air and the colors. But right now, laying outside and smelling this spring afternoon, the grass and flowers and warmth, it seems like nothing could top this.

Since I started my 40-50 Hour job that has me waking and sleeping at funny hours, I haven't had a lot of down time. Last Friday we had a paid holdiay for Good Friday, and I will tell you one thing, I had no idea what to do with myself. I slept in... but then I cleaned, and baked and dyed Easter Eggs. That is how lost I was, I was an adult dying easter eggs by myself. i don't know how to sit on the couch all day. movie and television marathons... i haven't watch seasons 1-3 of veronica mars since I was depressed and only left my apartment when I hated myself so much I wanted to eat double cheeseburgers (the entire months of October and November, I lived off Steak N' Shake, Wendy's and Rally's... YUCK

But the question is this... what do you do with your life if you don't want to be a lazy, depressed sack? I started to read a book, but that feels like something foreign to me right now, I just can't focus on anything. I have been reading a lot of magazines and online articles, but I haven't read a book since I stopped going to school. That, to me, is a very sad fact. I'll get there though.

You know the phrase, "You just need to get this off of your chest." Well, words have never rang truer for me lately. I have sort of started to regret my last post, and i appreciate all the kind words that I have gotten about it, but I'm glad I did it because it might have been the kick I needed to get over my issue (which isn't a guy, I promise, it's about something a little bigger and dearer to my heart). It's not fixed, but I think I'm at a place where I don't need to be. The air is clear, I'm not feeling constantly stifled anymore like I have something to hide... Breathing in deeply the air of openness and a clear conscience.

I hope, if anyone is still listening, that you are blessed today.

Disappointment and harsh words that need to be said without an audience

I'm sick of being sad because I don't feel like writing. If I stopped doing everything I didn't feel like doing, I would lay in bed all day, for all the days. It's been that bad, really.

Right now, I'm going to take some space to vent to someone I can't speak to personally. Well, I could speak with them, but I'm not going to...

I know that I set a higher standard for you, and that I have a habit of being more forgiving to total strangers than to the people in my life. But you let me down. All of us really. People who are a part of it, who don't really know what has gone on in the last month, you've let them down the most. Because these people trust you, all of you, to be honorable...men of your word. Your attitudes in secret should be your attitudes in public. And you got caught being crappy people, which is your right, but you have placed yourself in a postition of responsibility. You are responsible for something I cared a lot about. You forfeited your right to act as you wish, to treat people with disregard and unkindess. You have no right.

What is going to take me the longest to get over is how much I got duped into thinking this was all going to be something different. We talk about being different. And we talk. And we talk. And we talk. You know, I can say I have purple hair, I could even go and buy bottle of hair dye. But until I actually do the deed, my hair is still brown, its just a bunch of meaningless and USELESS words. You are all talk and no follow-through. I'm exhausted from thinking about this, and I'm not going to be a part of it anymore. In short, I think we are breaking up, for good.

This doesn't mean that I don't think that you can come out of this mess, if you can see what has been wrong and let God show you how to do things better. Not so that people will stop leaving you, but because that's how we honor God, by doing the right thing in the right way. With courage and honesty and integrity. But I am saying that I'm not going to be there to help us get through it. It's my weakness this time, not yours. I'm not strong enough right now, not patient enough to wait for you to see that I might be right, and I know in the deepest part of me that I cannot be a part of something when I don't believe in the way its being handled, I can't be with you when there's no trust.

That is where i'm having a hard time. Reconciling my call to have unconditional love for you with these feelings of disappointment and resentment. I guess, in truth, I can't stay with you, because I didn't love the real you. I have turned you into something you aren't, I always thought you were something better.

So goodbye, you know who you are. I love you and wish you well, but my life will be better without you in it.