Is it possible to be this pathetic?

What happens when you are the only single (woman? girl? lady? can't figure out the appropriate noun) in a department full of bored women? Death by embarrassment, that's what. Yeah today... my colleagues picked out my new boyfriend for me (a man can only walk in front of them so many times before they can't help themselves, they pounce) ... gave him the third degree ("what size SHOE do you wear?") and forced him to write down his phone number for me... then gave him mine. I'm an idiot, an IDIOT for giving any one of them my phone number.

I don't think I have stopped blushing all day. I haven't been this mortified ever... unless you count the time I earned the nickname Peabody at church camp.

But the thing is, these women (sort of) have good intentions. They really do love me, and want to see me happy. I am just not sure that they know me well enough to understand the kind of things that make me happy.

But I guess it was a good, and very bold shot.

Saturdays nights...

Today was a good day. I got up and had breakfast and got to talk Kelli for awhile. She and Jimmy are leaving for a week. The house is so very quiet when they are gone. Its kind of like living alone again.

I cannot believe the weather. I got to wear one of my scarves today. My mom calls them my security blanket because in the fall and winter I barely went without one. But I just love them, they are warm and cuddly and perfect. I decided I didn't want to sit around the house all day. I went to Chipotle, got a burrito and headed to the movies. Saw 'Away We Go' and loved it. Dave Eggers is amazing, really. And it just made me feel... so many things really. It was a laugh-through-your-tears film, at least for me it was. I went to Ezra's third birthday party, and he was sooooo excited. He got a tricycle, a new twin bed and an Elmo cake. For my third birthday, my cake was shaped like a panda bear. It was beautiful and the best I ever had. I came home from the party a little while ago, and now I am waiting to go out with some friends. I love Bloomington in the summer, because there are so many places to go hang out but you don't have to worry about all of the students.

So if you think about it... I had a pretty spectacular Saturday, and its not even over yet. But all day I have just been feeling kind of off. When I was driving to Gosport, I just started thinking about all the things in my life that are just lacking. But I don't have the motivation to do anything about these things, and if I did, I'm not even sure how I could fix it.

I kind of opened up to one of my co-workers the other day about the scary/dark part of my life. I've been not feeling great lately... I've had a lot of down days, and my parents have noticed. And that makes me feel so guilty because they worry about me so much and I know that they are trying so hard to be there for me and be patient and let me find my own way out of this. Well, my co-worker said that he's not surprised at all that I deal with this stuff. Which surprised me, because I feel like the only people who should be able to notice are those who can see that I'm not really myself.

"Sarah," he said, "It is not uncommon for brilliant, creative people such as yourself to deal with depression and other demons. The smarter you are, the more you feel how shitty this world really is."

I don't even know what to think about that.

Am I a loner?

I think I had an anxiety attack yesterday.Who am I kidding? I definitely had one. My heart started racing and I couldn't breathe. I was sitting at my grandparents' house... there were six of us there in a confined space and everyone was talking and talking, and asking stupid questions and it got to be too much. Too much for me to handle. I couldn't find an empty room so I went into the garage and calmed myself down. Afterward though, it was like I was on edge. I love my family, and I love visiting my grandparents and going to my cousin's wedding that evening was sort of fun. I just feel like sometimes I cannot handle being around other people... at least people I care about... I don't want them to think I am annoyed with them or don't like them. I think that is why I'm always fine at work, because ultimately I feel free to be myself there. When I'm annoyed with someone or I don't want to talk anymore, I just do what I want, which is retreat back into my own little world.

Lately I just want to be by myself. I have stopped making phone calls and talking to friends I usually speak with every day. I have been turning my phone of more and more, too. i just feel like i need space or something. I don't really know why.

Sorry if you feel like I haven't been there for you... I can't help it right now. Maybe I am a loner.