The waiting place

Monday night we had our small group at Brad and Mandy's house... I guess it won't be their house for much longer... and I found myself playing with the boys in Ezra's room. They like to do this thing where we turn the lights out and "fall asleep" and then Ezra turns the lights on and tells us to wake up. And we do it over again. And again. And its funny, because I'm usually so tired in the evenings because I work so early, that I let myself relax and get sleepy when the lights are out and I really am jolted when Ezra screams, "Its time to get up!"

Bless him, Ezra got tired of that game. He handed me a book to read them, and we sat on his bed and read "Oh, the Places you will Go." Do you remember that book? I know you've probably heard someone drone on, page-after-page during a commencement ceremony... but its a really good book. Ezra and Elijah especially liked the line, "And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants." Basically because they love the word pants... they thinks it's hilarious.

When I remember my life. My past days, weeks, months and years.... I mark time with profound moments. I have a hard time remembering names and faces from high school, just five years ago, but I remember small moments in great detail. And not to be weird or anything, but I almost feel like these moments speak to me... like they are saying 'remember this, right here, right now.' And sometimes I write about these things. And sometimes I just daydream about them at work, while I'm making small wire baskets that might someday retrieve a stone from your kidney. Today I guess I will write.

I had one of these moments reading this children's book to two boys, ages seven and three. It is just verse-after-verse of nonsense to children. But to me, a 23 year-old who grew up knowing the potential she had and was given every tool in the world to help her meet that potential, to me it meant a whole lot. The book is full of these encouraging sayings that are so over the top, about moving mountains and stuff... but then he hits you with the reality... the reality that life is this hard thing, and no matter how many amazing people are there for you... there is so much that you have to figure out on your own. Alone... all by yourself.

I'm just going to put some of the book down here...

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

I know that's where I am right now. Its like my life, the last year, has been an endless series of waiting. Waiting to feel anything again, waiting to feel useful, waiting to find purpose, waiting to feel settled, waiting to figure out my next step, waiting for affirmation...

The waiting place... it's where I find myself right now, in a most useless space. How about you?