Dreams, Dreams are fascinating things.

I don't think dreams really count until you can tell someone else about them. Waking up from an interesting dream is one of a handful of times I generally feel lonely. If there was a man in my bed I could wake him up and pester him with the details of my dream before they got away from me (why do we forget dreams so easily?). But since that is really the only reason to have a man in your bed (really, why else would you need one? If I had to share my bed I would not be able to lie diagonally across it like a savage animal), so that you can make him listen to every annoying thought that comes to your conscious and subconscious mind, I have decided to turn to social media to fill that void.

If you can summarize the main points of your dream in 140 characters or less, then I recommend Twitter as your outlet. I like my Twitter followers better than my Facebook friends. It is because I actually "know" them less. I like that it is completely appropriate for Twitter followers to be complete strangers, or at best, causal acquaintances. If I have a longer, more interesting dream then I might have to recount it on Facebook. But then I run the risk of high school frenemies judging me, or my Mamaw commenting on it (Sarah, you are such sweet girl. Call me sometime!)

There are always dreams that a respectable person cannot share withe masses. My bff Sarah gets to receive those via text message. OR there was the time I had a pregnancy dream about my baby sister that FELT SO REAL it prompted me to text her and apologize for not remembering to throw her a shower for her fake baby from my dream. (Yes, my guilt runs so deep that I feel the need to apologize for imaginary happenings).

The best dream I ever had was so good that it got a Facebook post, a tweet, and was a topic of conversation as many times as I could bear to introduce it. Once I had a dream that I was on a cruise ship. And Ellen DeGeneres was my Cruise Director. She wore a sailor hat and danced her way around the deck. I like to think, or at least hope, that this is more of a premonition and that one day, Ellen will dance herself into the hearts of hundreds of boat passengers. She is so fantastic.

You Can't Get To Heaven On Rollerskates (and other things we worry about too much)

The last few days I have had a case of swirley-head. It has given me focus-issues. My head started swirling and when that happens my mouth does not work. And today I got the overwhelming need to sit -here, at my laptop --thanks Ross ;) -- and type some stuff out.

Last night at club we had Doubt night and ended up having a huge conversation about heaven and hell. At one point the kids were talking and feeding off one another, and I couldn't even remember what we'd started talking about initially. And there were some good points, some great questions, and we didn't even scratch the surface of an answer to most of them. And I didn't have a lot to say and I didn't feel like I could contribute very much to conversation.

I'm going to be honest. I don't spend much of my time thinking about Heaven and Hell. Okay, I spend none of my time thinking about Heaven and Hell. With the exception, I guess, of right now.

I've been a follower of Christ since I was nine years old. And I have run away from God and tried to do my own thing once or twice or 100 times, but I never doubted my salvation. The power of the Cross is that there is no question in it. The Cross is perfect, infallible... choosing the Cross is the only decision on this Earth that is fail-safe. God's promise that he made to His people is everlasting and true. He will never quit you. Nothing can separate me from the love of God through Christ. Nothing.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

The thing I'm most concerned about with my faith, with regard to other's salvation, is that I'm making the best of the new life Christ's death and resurrection has given me. Its not just about the life I'm going to live when I'm no longer on this Earth. In Paul's letter to the Corinthians, he says that any one who is in Christ is a new creation. Christ came to revolutionize the way we love God, the way we love ourselves and the way we love one another. Matt touched on that last night at club when he said Jesus' life, death and resurrection was about reconciling the entire world with God.

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation --2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus had a plan to reconcile this world with God, and to bring his Kingdom to Earth. I think our main question, as Christ-followers, should be this--am I doing my part to see that His will is done? Jesus' gift of life to you is about heaven, but it is also, MOST EMPHATICALLY about how you are given a chance to live a new, better life in the here and now. And to me, that is what the Christian life is about. Figuring out how to live our lives for him right now. In every moment. Learning to love God more and more with every part of ourselves. I don't follow Christ because I'm afraid of Hell. I follow Christ because he loves me, and he has a better way for me.

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. -- Micah 6:8

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple - Psalm 27:4

I think that a lot of us wish there was something that we could do to deserve the love of God. If we ask him to forgive us enough, if we got to church enough times in one week, if we do kind things for enough people, we can become somewhat deserving of our salvation. God's followers in the Old Testament lived their entire lives doing things in order to be able to come to the Lord. They had to wear certain clothes, they had to hang scripture from their doorways, they had to sacrifice animals, rub oil on their heads, and a lot of other weird stuff. And they had to keep continually coming to God for forgiveness. There was no resolution, no absolution, no freedom in it.

But Jesus came to make a better way for us. God showed that his love for his people was so great that he sacrificed his only son so that we get a chance to live our lives free from sin--the thing that separated us from God. The great thing about God's resolution is that now we have time to live our lives in response to his love.

I could keep going and going forever. That's just how much my CL students inspired me last night. You all are beautiful, and so smart and I see so much goodness in you. And all goodness comes from God. And I'm thankful He's given me the opportunity to have been a part of last night, and all the other great nights we've had with Campus Life.

To any CL students, if you ever need to talk, I'm here. :)

Thoughts on Easter

Early Sunday morning, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone was rolled aside from the entrance.
She ran and found Simon Peter and me (John) and said, "They have taken the Lord's body out of the tomb, and I don't know where thy have put him!"
We ran to the tomb to see; I outran Peter and got there first, and stooped and looked in and saw the linen cloth lying there, but I didn't go in. Then Simon Peter arrived and went on inside. He also noticed the cloth lying there, while the swath that had covered Jesus' head was rolled up in a bundle and was lying at the side. The I went in too, and saw, and believed [that he had risen]--for until then we hadn't realized that the Scriptures said he would come to life again! (John 20:1-9)

.....................

That evening the disciples were meeting behind locked doors, in fear of the Jewish leaders, when suddenly Jesus was standing there among them! After greeting them, he showed them his hands and side। And how wonderful was their joy as they saw their Lord!

He spoke to them again and said "As the Father has sent me, even so I am sending you." Then he breathed on them and told them, "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone's sins, they are forgiven. If you refuse to forgive them, they are unforgiven." (John 20:19-23)

.....................

This was the third time Jesus had appeared to us since his return from the dead.
After breakfast Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these others?"
"Yes," Peter replied, "You know I am your friend."
"Then feed my lambs," Jesus told him.
Jesus repeated the question: "Simon, son of John, do you really love me?"
"Yes, Lord," Peter said, "you know I am your friend."
"Then take care of my sheep," Jesus said.
Once more he asked him, "Simon, son of John, are you even my friend?"
Peter was grieved at the way Jesus asked the question this third time. "Lord, you know my heart; you know I am," he said.
Jesus said, "Then feed my little sheep. When you were young, you were able to do as you liked and go wherever you wanted to; but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands and others will direct you and take you where you don't want to go."
Jesus said this to let him know what kind of death he would die to glorify God. Then Jesus told him, "Follow me." (John 21:14-19)




I actually went to Easter service last night at my parents church. It was a really nice evening to connect with God, thank Him for the incredible gift, and think the about the inevitable question that comes to when I think of the resurrection. What does this really mean to me as a follower of Christ?

To quote my favorite movie Almost Famous, "To begin with, everything." Last night, Bill did talk about what the Resurrection meant to us. 1) No more fear of hell, or isolation from God. 2)Getting to see our loved ones for eternity. 3)That the messiah will return again, alive and well.

And I believe those three, basic truths--the cornerstones of my faith. Jesus' life, death and resurrection will forever the be the reason that my Christianity, my personal relationship with God exists and thrives. Without Christ, I would not have a reason to breathe, or love, or live a moment of my life. Without Christ I have nothing and I am nothing.

I have been a follower of Christ since I was nine years old. In our 16-year relationship, this been strained, of course, but he's never left me. I believe that once you ask Christ to dwell in your heart, there is no way of pushing him out completely. And believe me, I've done a decent job trying to do this. Because I would rather think that I had control over my own destiny then let God make my decisions for me.

It's lucky for me, I guess, that Jesus the man was the sort guy that I admire. Yes, reading his words inspire me because he's the Son of God, but I'm pretty sure that his life would have inspired me even if he were just like all the other inhabitants of this planet. Even if he were just a man born into this world, who would end up succumbing to the grave--just as we all will. Jesus' words were always backed by action, and he had this completely open heart and open mind for all of humanity--but especially for the oppressed and undervalued people in this world. And what just got to me last night, and what I think really comes to light the scripture I typed out from the end of the Gospel of John, were his priorities immediately after his Resurrection.

Jesus came to bring the Kingdom of God. And for a very long time, I have come to believe that this Kingdom is meant to be in the here and now. A King's people do his work. They represent him to the best of their ability and they intercede for him when he can't physically be there to carry out his plan and mission.

Christianity is not just about seeking lost souls and winning them for Heaven. Though it most definitely is a beautiful part of it. But I think what Christ focused on when he spoke with the disciples before his ascension was his concern that we would be here to carry on the amazing work he had been doing in his short time on Earth. Jesus came to restore our hearts, heal brokenness, teach us to love one another free from conditions. He taught us to be peacemakers, to worship God with our entire selves. To show a kind of devotion to God that makes any other kind of love look like hatred in comparison. Jesus came to start a revolution. He said, if you love me, you will share my passions for the poor, needy, sinful, dirty, hungry, thirsty people in this world. Jesus' philosophy of life was that it doesn't matter what you have, it only matters how you used it to help others and advance the Kingdom.

In my life, I have seen that the most effective way to spread Christ's hope, his story of life, resurrection and restoration, is through one-on-one personal relationships and people's stories. There is a reason that all Christ followers have a "testimonial," or story to tell. There is a reason the Bible is a bunch stories put together. We are built, has humans, to connect with each other and to relate with one another. When Jesus came back to his disciples, that what's he told them to do. He said, Your forgiveness can hold real power over people's lives, so forgive and love liberally. Make sure you are taking care of the people I'm leaving behind. Feed them- their bodies and their souls- so that when I come back I can take ALL of you, and the rest of humanity, with me.

I think that's what he meant when he said he was going to prepare a place for us. It was both a promise and a challenge.

Butler and the Goddard Way

I've seen a lot of basketball in my life. Started attending varsity boy's games in my mom's womb. My dad's passion for basketball has bled over into our family life, as anyone who has come in contact with us knows already.

And being from Indiana is a special thing. Basketball is a part of our communities, part of the fabric of our state. Its what we are known for--what a fun thing to be known for.

One of the things I love about Butler is that they've given families something that I have had my entire life. Something to bring us all together that has nothing to do with a holiday or birthday. My sisters and I are grown up, one married and one in nursing school. But at least once a season, we all meet at Hinkle field house for an old fashioned family fun day. We got to go twice this year, to watch the Dawgs beat Stanford and for Senior day.

I had to take a pause in this post because my dad was having one of his coaching moments. For some reason, we were watching part of the Kansas/VCU game.

"Watch this... this is what Butler is going to do tomorrow." And he proceeded to show me how Butler will adjust and shift to guard VCU's offensive set. Actually standing in front of the TV, just as he has stood in front of his own players the last 30 years.

A typical Friday night in the Goddard living room. And I love it. Basketball is the sixth member of our family. In the last decade, Butler has been a part of that craziness. I'm so proud of the team. And happy that my family has one more weekend to come together this year and enjoy something special.

A truly gleeful Tuesday

So I'm not sure if you know this, but Tuesdays are terrible days. I've been saying this for years and it holds true in my life week after week. Bad stuff happens on Tuesdays.

But today I broke the curse. I had an exceptional day. I woke up and for the first time in a week I didn't have a terrible, sharp pain in between my shoulder blades ( a gift from last Tuesday, thank you very much). And I was in this good mood that I couldn't pinpoint. Like I had something to look forward to.

The day was well-paced. I was on top of my work stuff. I even got to help out a co-worker, which always puts me in a good mood. I got TWO nice emails from authors, thanking me for my help on their book. I had some good conversations with friends. The music on Pandora was great. I sent an email to my congressman and senator to let them now how much I appreciate Public Broadcasting, and they shouldn't cut the federal funding for something that is so important to so many Americans. And I didn't feel like I needed to run away from the office as soon as the clock struck 5, which is a feeling I know pretty well.

I went to the store, and for once I picked the fast check out line. I made some tremendous guacamole and enchiladas. Watched Big Bang Theory episodes from season 1. Worked out a little. Cuddled with Kota on the couch and watched Glee. And now I'm writing, listening to the classics station on my Pandora ("Sitting on the Dock of the Bay"), and it feels good. It was a good day. The best Tuesday in recent memory.

It almost feels like a Wednesday :)

It was a great day.

The comeback kid

So I haven't been writing. Not even a little. No words on paper or typed into a keyboard unless I was paid to do it. And I'm sitting here and I am not even sure if I'm going to be able to finish this blog. Who is reading this? What do they want to hear? What do I have to say that is worth taking the time to transcribe into this completely public yet muffled forum that will get drowned out by anyone who has a clearer, sharper, better voice than mine...

I'm only sitting here struggling through this today because I started doing yoga again. And it has been painful and awkward, and lets face it, I'm just a fat girl rolling around on the floor. There are moves that I am no longer able to do, like the tree pose... But it is okay because I'm doing it by myself, in my apartment, where it is safe to look stupid.

It has been so nice just to stand and focus on my breath. At work, sometimes I get so stressed/frustrated... I will read a particularly nasty email and I clench my jaw, start in on my overly-polite reply and get through half of it before I realize that I have forgotten to breathe. How do you forget and involuntary action? I guess I'm just special.

So my two weeks of practicing yoga again--as well as some other exercise--has made me remember how good it feels to do things that are good for me. And I really think that this thing, writing, is probably the most valuable habit I've ever had. Because I've worked out a lot of nasty stuff this way.

I wrote a column in college about how yoga is like blogging. The medium that I've chosen to help myself become a better writer. Healthier. It was the place where I really think that I found my voice when I was in college. I look back through some of the posts, and sure, it brings back a lot of memories. But I don't actually remember writing them. How I came up with the ideas--the words--where I got me motivated to pick up my computer and let loose... I don't remember what it is like to be good at this. To feel fulfilled by it. I think that's the reason that this one blog post has been one of the hardest things to get down. It has been painful.

But I finished it. And there will be more. There has to be more. Because I'm a writer. It is my favorite thing about myself. And you cannot be defined by something without doing it. Pen to paper, keystrokes clicking and clacking away.

So I'm writing again. Let's see what we find out.

The values and the valuable

The world is composed of two distinct groups of people--those who have it together and those who don't.

They are categories that are easy to distinguish, and easy to identify yourself with. Right now, you've placed yourself in one, or the other. And if you aren't sure, you might be in denial. Or maybe, just out of touch. So I'm going to help you a little bit. Answer these questions, and if you get mostly yes'... then you get to join those of us who missed that part of the public education system that actually teaches you how to lead a productive life.

Just kidding... any questions would be a little too autobiographical for comfort. And I just don't know you that well, oh few readers of this "blog." I like to keep my secrets to myself. But I will tell you which group I belong to. As you might have guessed, I most definitely do not have my crap together. Because those who do would not be writing about it. They have much more important things to be taking care of. Like, they probably have exercising to do. They might be watching an enriching documentary on PBS where they won't just be made to feel guilty for 20 minutes before they move on to less stimulating television, they will be moved to action. Nope, I'm just your average member of mediocrity, looking over at those people who make it seem easy. Wondering how they manage to get up in the morning, find meaning in what they do, and contribute to this world in more than a banal, rat-race sense.

To me, the poster child for a life well put together is my big sister. She's successful in all the important ways, and the not-so important ones. And she's a good wife and sister and pharmacist and friend and person. And even if she's not perfect, she has the air of perfection swimming around her. I could never begrudge her any of this, because she works hard.

But I do have one question. Why does her life look like it was ripped from a page in the Crate and Barrel catalog, and mine look like I threw it together with the stuff I found in the dumpster behind my house? And I'm not talking about money... I don't care about having stuff. But I mean, my sister and I are very, very similar people, as much as we'd probably like to deny it. So why then, does she have it together and I don't? Why is living not something we are born capable of? It should be more natural, more involuntary, like breathing.

I just realized that it looks like I'm picking on my sister, but I'm not. I love her and I'm glad that she's dwelling happily in the together category. I am judging her, but to be fair, we all do that every day. I look at my neighbors, co-workers, family members, celebrities, etc. And I place them in one category or the other. And then I break it down into subgroups. "Well I know I don't have it together, but at least I'm not sinking as low as so-and-so." It makes us feel better, to know that there is someone out there who sucks at life a little more than we do. Or even better, we try to denigrate those who have figured out how to live a good life. You know, the whole "Well, he's successful but I'm sure he has a miserable home life. Or he's secretly a pedophile. Or he cheats on his taxes."

It all seems a little hopeless, doesn't it? This way of categorizing the human race. What would it look like if instead dividing people into these groups, we just started placing value in people? In our neighbors, co-workers, family members, celebrities... What if that value assigned to us is the catalyst that drives us to live above the normal, the sucky, the failure?

What if the most important person to place value in is yourself? If we could figure that out, then maybe we could stop the comparing, the wishful glances at other people who have learned the secret.

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength(value)" -Philippians 4:12-13 (my word in parentheses)

Searching, writing and sun-bathing

Can I just say that church today was amazing, in a way that completely knocked the wind out of me, and scared me to death. Because I like the comfortable rut I'm living in. And to have a woman challenge me out of that is just not something I'm looking for right now.

The speaker came to talk about the defining moment that led her and her husband to move to Mexico and work with orphans. I really liked what she said about defining moments in her book...

"It is a shift

- in what we are capable of.

- in where we want to see our life heading.

- in how we are willing to spend our time, talents and resources."

Good stuff, right?

On our way home from church/lunch/shopping today, Kelli was full of words about what she was feeling/desiring after Exodus this morning. And I just felt like I couldn't tell her what I was thinking about. Like I didn't even know how I was feeling. But I had bought some little notebooks atTarget, and as soon as we got home I sunscreened up and went out to read and journal. Here's what came out of that...

I want a broken heart, contrite spirit, eager hands, ability, resources--not to waste but to enable and equip. I want 'a little less conversation, a little more action.'

I want to pray for the impossible, hope for the improbable and partner in someone's miracle. I want to wake thinking about the problem in the world that just completely floors me--something that breaks my spirit. Let it consume me every moment of my life until I partner with God to become an agent to change it.

Let it begin with me God, let's start this thing.

I pray for openness every day. Openness to seize every opportunity you have ordained for me. I am a writer who appreciates story. But today, I'm asking to become the character in someone else's story of recovery. I want to be the hope, the love, the food, the knowledge-bearer, the rescuer of someone.

Bring me that someone. Break my heart, God. Break it well.

Thanks, guys. I hope you were blessed today. :)

(Not so much) Sex and the Single Girl...

This past month at church we've been talking about sex and marriage. And, to be honest, its been a lot of me sitting there taking the message in, but feeling awkward because I know the things Matt had to say were meant for other people. And most of it made me thankful that I was, indeed, very, very single. :)

But Sunday the message was meant directly for me. It was about being single in the sexually free world we live in. And you know what Matt had to say... it wasn't groundbreaking stuff. But it was uplifting, and the encouragement I think I have been missing the last few years in this stage in my life.

You see, when you are a girl who has been single for over five years, and most of your friends are either married or on the marriage track, you start to feel like you are doing something wrong. Like maybe I'm not living the life that I'm supposed to be living because I'm not pursuing marriage, or even a dating relationship at this point. And today I realized that this feeling, that maybe I'm unnatural or close-minded or just scared of relationships... well, that feeling comes from other people's insecurities with people who choose to be single. In I Corinthians, the same letter where Paul tells men how to respect their wives, and women how to meet their husbands needs... Paul tells us that:

"An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

You see, just because a marriage can be blessed by God, that doesn't mean a life of singleness can't be. I know that I've been called to be living my life this way... at least for now. And Matt, who has never met me and doesn't know a thing about my life, really encouraged me in this. There was something he said that I really liked about why intentional singleness can be so hard for married folks to relate to. He said that in many marriages, one spouse feels completed by the other. Why wouldn't everyone want to find someone to fill that void? But if my devotion is to the Lord... well then that's what completes me.

And believe me, I don't say that cavalierly. Singleness is a lonely state. I have amazing sisters and friends and parents and coworkers and roommates who occupy almost all my time. But I am alone a lot. It has me leading a life full of bad habits, like falling asleep with my laptop playing a movie off Netflix. And to be fair, I don't know if I feel more alone in my thoughts and decisions than the average married person... I just know that sometimes I'm envious of women who have a man in their lives. To help them move, go to the recycling center, pick out furniture or a cell phone or a car, to go to traffic court with them and hold their hand, to get the oil changed in their car, to take them to the doctor when they don't feel up to driving. Sometimes I wish that I had someone to take care of me, or at least to live life alongside me in a deeper way (note: my parents and friends do more than their share of taking care of me... so much so that I feel like I take advantage... note #2: I'm aware that this is a weakness in my feminist ideology). That's the thing about deciding to let God be the center of your devotion, you have to keep making that decision every day. He's not there in the same tangible way a life partner is. The burden is on you to keep that connection going. Its not an easier life, or a harder one. Its just different. Different can be scary.

Somewhere along the line, I let myself forget how this singleness thing got started in my life. It was a calling, for sure. I was in this relationship with a nice guy who loved me, but after almost a year into it I hit a metaphorical wall. It was like I was living life distracted. Every one of my plans had him in mind.... and they just were not the plans God had for me, for either of us. I spent a month the summer before college in some intense prayer, and God more than showed me a way out, it was like he released that need in me to be connected to someone in that way. God's plan is always a better one for me. I'm still trying to figure out what that plan is, but I have very little doubt that it involves me living like this, single, with undivided devotion, for the foreseeable future. And in my state of total disaster and uncertainty... it is nice to feel a semblance of surety.

Lent and Homesickness

Why has it taken me until know to really hear Greg Laswell's stuff? "Comes and Goes" (some of the song posted below) is so great.

This one's for the lonely
The ones that seek and find
Only to be let down
Time after time
This one's for the torn down
The experts at the fall
Come on friends get up now
You're not alone at all

This one's for the faithless
The ones that are surprised
They are only where they are now
Regardless of their fight
This one's for believing
If only for it's sake
Come on friends get up now
Love is to be made

Between the ages of 11 and 18, I was really big into writing verse. Isn't that something every adolescent girl does though? Lay around on her bed, filling notebooks with deep, heartfelt dribble that rhymed... okay, probably not all girls... but I'm sure this wasn't a unique practice to me. Looking back, I guess its kind of sweet that I spent so many nights writing my thoughts, hopes and prayers like they meant so much, just because they meant a lot to me. And man, I thought that crap was so good that I even subjected people to it on occasion. But like I said, I don't think I've written anything resembling a poem since I started college.

And lately I wish that I had more of that poetry writer inside of me. She was silly to be sure, and on the superficial side. But I was a kid who felt deeply. I hadn't built up very many barriers when it came to my emotions. And most importantly, I felt the freedom to express myself. I've turned into a self-critic, especially when it comes to writing. When I start a blog post, or a story, I just think the piece to death. Learning more about writing has kind of imprisoned me. I don't want to write something unless it is smart, or funny--even if its for myself. And when you are concerned with sounding smart, you lose the honesty in the whole thing.

And so I haven't been writing like I should be, or reading much of anything. Because when I read, or hear a really good song... I feel homesick for the self-expression the I love. I have sat down at this computer several times, with every intention of writing something, and I just feel like I have forgotten how to do it. It's like I can't get back home... I desperately want to go back and erase that statement... but I have got to stop editing myself.

So its the season of Lent. And I haven't had any sugar in my system since Fat Tuesday (I've only had one day at work when I was sitting in the cafeteria, convince that a candy bar would solve all of my problems). But I think that I am going to use these fourty days leading up to Easter to focus on my writing, and see if I can gain back a little bit of what I've lost...

Old friends, new friends...

So the past two mornings I have woken up from very vivid dreams. This doesn't happen to me very often, and I wish that it did because dreams really fascinate me. I love it when you dream about people in your life doing completely uncharacteristic things. For instance, my friend Miranda from work once had a dream that I was having an affair with some old guy who was an exec or something in the company. It was absolutely bizarre, but we laughed about it for a long time.

But Saturday morning I dreamt I was on a boat and Ellen DeGeneres was my cruise director. It was fantastic, and I wrote it down so that I wouldn't forget about it. But last night my dream was a little bit more bittersweet. It was a lot more boring really, I was just hanging out with an old guy friend from high school. We were really close but have fallen out of touch. But in the dream we were still best friends, and we laughed and watched movies and played Yahtzee and made really good drinks. I was mixing them like I was some kind of bartender, which I totally am not.

But I woke up smiling, just after I had made my friend some concoction that included Cherry 7-Up. And then I remembered that we aren't friends anymore. I have no idea what is going on in his life. I used to know everything.... every class and every crush.

You and I probably need both hands, and maybe all of our toes, to keep track of people who used to be really important in our lives. And even though these people are just friends, it is kind of like you broke up. And with every break-up, someone has to be the dumper. My sister talked to me the other day about how she heard through a mutual friend that her best friend from elementary said that they had just "both drifted apart." That's the perfect dumper's excuse, though. In reality, we a) outgrew the person, b) got tired of trying to stay in touch, c) got overloaded with close friends, and had to let one fall by the wayside.... and there are a lot more reasons why friendships fade. But its clear that in most relationships, they fail because we don't put in the effort. And in most cases, like my sister and like me with my dream friend, someone feels like they have gotten dumped.

I went to a seminar-type thing in my dorm one year in college given by the professors who teach a class on personal relationships. And they put relationships into two categories: friends of the road and friends of the heart. Friends of the road are characterized well by my dream friend. We were friends because of proximity and convenience and common interests, and when we lost those things, we lost that friendship. We will have very few friends of the heart in our lives. And you know it when you have a relationship like this.

But that is not to say that friends of the road are bad friends. For example, when I did my short stint in grad school, there were two girls I met there that were really, really there to share their lives with me. I needed them, and they were there for me.

I don't really know how to finish this thought... except thanks, you people in my life. Or people who have been a big part of my life. Life happens to you, and we all grow and change and get an education and figure out what we want our lives to look like. But you can most simply be defined by the company you keep... and I'm pretty pleased with my definition.

Its beginning to look a lot like (fill in the blank)

My Christmas Wishlist

- I wish that I could wish for snow without worrying that someone will get hurt on the road. I want the prettiness without scary road conditions.

- I wish that I could have realistic expectations for the holiday season.

- I wish that I could listen to "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" without crying a little.

- I wish that my life was really like an episode of "Friends" and all of my people lived in the same place. Like Chandler and Joey living across the hall from Monica and Rachel. That close.

- I wish that ABC Family would show the whole version of "Twas the Night Before Christmas" because they cut my favorite song out of it and its been so long I can't remember how it goes anymore.

- I wish that I could be as excited and happy at the end of making Christmas cookies as I am when I start making them.

- I wish that Budda and I would get along the whole time we're home together.

- I wish that I could live with Skeyse forever and ever. Ross can be there too, I guess. :)

- I wish that I could want the things I want, free from guilt.

- I wish I had the natural ability to be compassionate... like Nelson Mandela, or Jesus... I wish I wasn't quick to anger and slow to forgiveness...

- I wish Christmas gifts would wrap themselves, in 100% recyclable and reusable material.

- I wish that being happy and healthy were simple things. It only gets more complicated with age.

Some perspective would be splendid right now

The last few days I've felt pretty overwhelmed. I don't mean that I'm too busy... I work as just as much as the next guy with a full-time job... and even if I work earlier than most, my sleep schedule is working for me. And I had a good weekend. Relaxing. I watched all six hours of Angels in America... then I caught up on the classic films I missed out on in 2008-09... I watched Slumdog Millionaire, Milk and The Rocker....

When I say overwhelmed, I think I mean weary. Weary of learning how someone you cherish is living a life less than what he/she deserves. Weary of not being able to fix it, in your own life or in others.

My world is minuscule right now. So, so small. And I can't get it. That perspective I need. I try to channel some, I really do. Last week I ate lunch at a table with a woman from my old church who has managed to beat a serious case of ovarian cancer. She battled... hard. And won, and does nothing but say that God did it all. And man, she is one hilarious lady. I was laughing so hard about her losing her hair... my stomach started to hurt and I had tears in my eyes before I realized that I was laughing. About someone losing their hair in chemo. This woman is not just a fighter... she's a miracle. She's magical.

Her problems were big. Mine are so much smaller... I can handle my mess. I own my mess, and it can be taken care of. I'm still in control of it, you know. Even when the weight of it all, the sadness and the joy, and the sheer absurdity of life feels like it might crush me. I can feel it pressing down on my rib cage and my sternum... kind of like someone is laying on top of me sometimes. And it sucks and I can't breathe, and you begin to wish for numbness so that you can breathe again. Then, when I'm smart, I pray. I remember that I'm alone in my car, or at work, and that there is no one, nothing on top of me. And its just me and my mess and I can manage it. My problems are small, manageable.

At work they've devised a contraption to capture lady beetles. I got to use it today. Its a five-foot long piece of plastic tubing with a plastic bag adhered to the bottom of it. I found the dreaded bug that did not belong in our clean room environment, placed the tube to the ceiling, and the bug went down, down into the darkness and joined his little friends in the plastic baggie. Where he will surely suffocate and die. Now, that lady beetle has a huge problem. Mine are small, manageable. It's my mess. I own it... I can fix it. Thank God.

I will leave you with a photo of my new favorite babysitting charge, Carl. I watched him over the weekend, then I dropped him off at daycare, where he's going to stay while his mom and dad enjoy their vacation in Miami.




I'll admit, it is pretty hard to say no to this face.... :)

The waiting place

Monday night we had our small group at Brad and Mandy's house... I guess it won't be their house for much longer... and I found myself playing with the boys in Ezra's room. They like to do this thing where we turn the lights out and "fall asleep" and then Ezra turns the lights on and tells us to wake up. And we do it over again. And again. And its funny, because I'm usually so tired in the evenings because I work so early, that I let myself relax and get sleepy when the lights are out and I really am jolted when Ezra screams, "Its time to get up!"

Bless him, Ezra got tired of that game. He handed me a book to read them, and we sat on his bed and read "Oh, the Places you will Go." Do you remember that book? I know you've probably heard someone drone on, page-after-page during a commencement ceremony... but its a really good book. Ezra and Elijah especially liked the line, "And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants." Basically because they love the word pants... they thinks it's hilarious.

When I remember my life. My past days, weeks, months and years.... I mark time with profound moments. I have a hard time remembering names and faces from high school, just five years ago, but I remember small moments in great detail. And not to be weird or anything, but I almost feel like these moments speak to me... like they are saying 'remember this, right here, right now.' And sometimes I write about these things. And sometimes I just daydream about them at work, while I'm making small wire baskets that might someday retrieve a stone from your kidney. Today I guess I will write.

I had one of these moments reading this children's book to two boys, ages seven and three. It is just verse-after-verse of nonsense to children. But to me, a 23 year-old who grew up knowing the potential she had and was given every tool in the world to help her meet that potential, to me it meant a whole lot. The book is full of these encouraging sayings that are so over the top, about moving mountains and stuff... but then he hits you with the reality... the reality that life is this hard thing, and no matter how many amazing people are there for you... there is so much that you have to figure out on your own. Alone... all by yourself.

I'm just going to put some of the book down here...

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

I know that's where I am right now. Its like my life, the last year, has been an endless series of waiting. Waiting to feel anything again, waiting to feel useful, waiting to find purpose, waiting to feel settled, waiting to figure out my next step, waiting for affirmation...

The waiting place... it's where I find myself right now, in a most useless space. How about you?

A Perpetual Worrier

- My life.... am I doing a good job living it? Probably not.... Need to work on this.

- My Papaw... he's having bypass surgery on Friday. If you pray... please lift one up for Dick Goddard. He's the best grandpa... a real patriarch in every sense of the word. I'm pretty scared for him... but hopeful that this procedure is going to improve his quality of life in a huge way. The timing of this... a week after we auctioned off what remained of my maternal grandparents' things and finally emptied the farmhouse... is just kind of a lot to handle. And so I worry... and worry... and stress eat... I cannot tell you how hungry I've been this week. All of the time. So hungry. Will you still love me when I'm 350 pounds? Will you, really?


-I reconnected with a friend from college last week in a kind of awkward way. I'm thankful for this awkwardness because catching up with her has been so good. It is weird how you can feel so much like a screw-up... like you don't have a clue in the world... and then you realize that you are just 23 and normal... and this new life experience is just another thing you have to take and learn from... and with that you can connect with people.

I like people. I don't like being worried... so I'm going to head to see what looks like the greatest movie ever made about a roller derby. Going to the movies... in the rain... by myself. Ahhh... I feel better already.

Can't Tell A lie

From now on, you can’t tell lies, are you ready? Let's do this thing

Think back eight months ago, were you single? Yep

What do you carry with you at all times? My work badge... and my phone (ideally)

Who was the last person of the opposite sex you text messaged? my Dad (aww)

How are you feeling? Excited to be free from work... tired of cleaning my house.

Is something wrong right now? Isn't there always something? But its just a small things... I can handle the small things.

Are you mad at someone? Just world leaders... as always

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? It doesn't matter if I plan on it... it won't happen.

Are you jealous of someone right now? My sister Katie's fantastic life... :) But seriously, I don't think so.

Do you have a piggy bank that’s actually shaped like a pig? Nope... a teddy bear

What’s the last thing you put in your mouth? Coffee...coffee...coffee

What are you suppose to be doing right now? Cleaning... and getting dressed

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? Sure

Could you handle a long distance relationship? I have no idea if I could handle any relationship...

Could you cry right now? if I thought about something sad, or happy, or a Sylvan learning Commercial... I think the answer is yes.

Do you ever think about stuff and start crying? Yep

Are you okay with the life you live? I'm okay... but not fantastically thrilled. I want to be fantastically thrilled with the life I live.

Did you enjoy your day today? Its just beginning... but so far... I'd give it a B

Do you have a Tattoo? no

Would you ever get any piercings on your body, other than your ear? no

Did your last kiss take place on a bed? no

What was the last thing you spent money for? yesterday's breakfast at work

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? my mom... I'm talking to her right now

Do you call it fall or autumn? fall

Drink wine...and be a tree

Saturdays, the ones where I get to stay at home and dictate how I spend my time, are when I try to catch up on my reading. And today I was reading The green lantern column on Slate, and there was an article about Beer vs. Wine. Which is actually better for the planet? The columnist was having a dinner party, and wanted to make the least negative impact on the environment.

The differences in use of green house gases were minimal, but ultimately it is better for the environment to drink wine, because it doesn't use as much refrigeration (unless you are my parents, who drink red wine out of the fridge...yuck). But the thing I found interesting about this entire column is that the author is obsessively dedicated to causing the least amount of personal damage to the planet. Its an honorable endeavor, to be sure, but almost absurd to think that one person can do so much to ruin things. But individually, we do a lot of damage to the earth... in the US they calculated that a person accumulates 1600 pounds of trash a year. That sucks.

One person can screw a lot of things up. But can one person, like this columnist, really do that much to fix things? I've been thinking about this a lot since my Skeyse told me she has decided what tattoo she wants to get. Personally, I'm not a big tattoo fan--I probably just can't shake my dad's influence on this point-- I don't think that I would ever get one. But Skeyse says she thinks she wants to get one of the Lorax, with the word "unless." I had forgotten this book, except for its famed "truffula trees"-- I always LOVED that word as a kid... truffula. But I went back and read it, and her tattoo idea comes from a quote at the end of the book:

"And all that the Lorax left with me in this mess, was one single word, UNLESS.
UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better. It's not."

That Theo Geisel was a smart dude.. And the Green Lantern columnist probably really loved The Lorax. --If I could be allowed one tangent thought here: one of my co-workers told me that I looked like a tree-hugger once. Images of "Superstar" instantly came to mind. But I asked him what he meant by that, and he said that I just looked like one. I informed him that I was not, in whole or in a part, nor have I ever been, one to hug trees. But I have planted them. And I recycle.--

But this column as a whole, and Skeyse' idea for her sweet new tatt got me thinking. How much are we supposed to care? And could this lesson about caring for our environment apply to other areas in my life?

And then I remembered... one of the best lessons I ever heard Brad teach. It was also probably one of the first he ever taught me. God wants us to be like a tree. Quick biology lesson for you (my dad would be so proud right now) trees take in carbon dioxide, which is poisonous to humans, and turn it into life-giving oxygen. They are essentially on this earth to give us life. So beautiful. I used to have a favorite tree. It was a sycamore that I planted in our yard in Vevay. Each third-grader was sent home with a sapling, and I was so proud that mine was thriving. My best friend Trisha Allen's dad accidentally ran over hers with the lawn mower. I really did love my tree. It's gone now... the family that moved into our old house took it down a few years ago. Over the years I really haven't gone back to our old town much... but last summer I made it down there...and the yard looked kind of sad without my tree.

If I did my part... and cared enough... if I were not a tree-hugger but the tree itself... what would that look like? If I had to use one word to describe the journey that I'm on right now... it would be searching. I think I'm searching for something to do with my life... for a way to give my life away... in a sense. And I think I am just looking for my way to be a tree... maybe one like my sycamore, which brought so much joy into my small, 8 year-old life.

What would that even look like...?

Plans

I had a really busy summer. Too many weddings, too many wedding showers, too many plans. And it was a lot of fun, my summer. But it was too much stuff piled into too short a time period. And then August ended, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Because at the end of Sarah and Ross' wedding weekend, I had no plans set until the holidays. It was freeing...I daydreamed at work about the Saturday mornings I would wake up at ten and read a book on the back porch while I ate breakfast. Maybe I'd go to the movies, or go on a walk, or take a nap. My weekends would be free for all of these things. With no plans, I wouldn't have to miss a Sunday at Exodus, and I haven't been this excited about going to church in a long time.

But as it happens with best laid plans, my plan to make no plans is no more. This weekend, Indy Irish Fest with the Blakely's. The next weekend, Joanna is coming down to stay for her nephew's football game. Then we're into October, and Ross and Sarah are finally coming down to stay with me. And before I know it, I'm going to be gearing up for the vacation time I'm taking from work, which will culminate into the Swell Season concert I'm going to see with Tab the first week of November. And then comes the whirlwind of the holidays.

I just want to slow down. Slow things down. Campus Life starts this week, and having that commitment on Wednesday nights always seems to make my week go faster. Which, with my semi-monotonous job, would seem like a blessing. And it is... but if my week goes fast... then all the weeks are going to go fast, and the months and before you know it... it will be freaking New Year's and I will be wondering where '09 went.

I just want it all to slow down. Pause. Stop, even. I just want to sit here for awhile. Just like Hanson sang and I'll paraphrase... let the minutes seem like hours and the hours seem like days.

Just let me slow the eff down for awhile and let me catch my breath.

So yeah, somebody stop me the next time I say "I can't wait," or I try to hurry the day away. Just tell me to shut up and breathe.

Good vs. Evil

Things that make me happy right now:

- Our new puppy, Daisy. I think I could play frisbee with her forever. She's pretty fantastic.

- Reading the classifieds. Maybe, just maybe, my new job is out there somewhere. I'm hopeful.

- Eating dinner with my roommates.

- Laughing at people who take themselves too seriously, or have completely lost touch with reality, on "reality" tv.

- Wolf Blitzer... Oh, Wolfie, I think we could be best friends... If it weren't for the 38-year age difference and the fact that you are a television personality and I am, well... not.

- Three-day weekends... They are just like college but without the homework. Sleep, read, watch a movie.... stay up late, go to bed... wake up late.... read, watch a movie, nap, stay up late, eat a snack, fall asleep, wake up late... (you get the point)

- Seeing my most favorite and beloved journalism teacher at Marsh on Monday.

- Living in B-town, where there are actually things to do all the time... like watching Katharine Hepburn movies in the park :)

- My little sister living in B-town :) :)

- Pia visiting us from Germany... because she's the most fantastic person on the planet. And she's Amy's drinking twin. I didn't even know drinking twins existed.

- President Obama and his belief that WE ALL DESERVE a better health care system.

- The one tree on West 46 on my way to Spencer that has decided its time to change colors. Fall is coming, folks.

- Football season is starting.


Things that make me want to scream right now:

- People who think a presidential address to America's schoolchildren must be about propaganda and indoctrination.

- After hundreds of dollars, my car makes the most irritating screeching noise when I set off for work at 3 a.m.

- The fact that I have to leave for work at 3 a.m. :(

- Remember what the dentist's needle looked like going toward my mouth this afternoon. EEK.

- Seeing my most favorite and beloved journalism teacher at Marsh on Monday, and having to explain to her how much I've screwed my life up... She didn't agree, of course.

- My three-day weekend has screwed up my very delicate sleep schedule.


Overall, though, I'd say the good things outweigh the bad. Victory for the good.

the ramblings of a Wednesday night when i should be sleeping

Had our Campus Life core meeting this afternoon. I am soooo excited to hang out with these teenagers. They make me wish that I was a better student leader when I was in high school, and that I was as fun as they are when I was in that life stage. Seriously... they are interesting, and INTERESTED in things that I never concerned myself with when I was their age, i.e. fasting, politics, social justice... I think it is going to be one great year for Campus Life in the OC.

Finally got home from Spencer this evening... and we had BLT's for dinner on the back porch (aka my favorite place in the world). Jimmy brought home the bacon.... Get it? haha I'm so funny. But he really did go to the store and get some. And now I've officially beaten this into the ground.

Do I really want to go to work at 3:30 tomorrow morning? Yeah, I didn't think so either. But I should go... I could use the money to pay for the freaking fillings I have to get next week at the dentist. Is it sad that I thought, just for a moment, that I might just leave the cavities there. But I wouldn't dare skip it, or another cleaning ever again. My hygienist has me completely freaked out about getting gum disease. I've been flossing in the car during one of my breaks from work. Eeek. I should throw that old floss away at some point... Just kidding. Now, my car is dirty, but I promise I'm not that disgusting.

By the way... my parents might be getting another dog... And I have always named our pets. Because I'm the best at it. Lauren and Wes got to name the kitten that found us last summer, and they named him Gandolf the Grey... which would be a good name if we didn't always call him Gandy... I hate that. Mostly though, I call him devil kitty. But Mom's going to look at this dog, and I told her she should name her Veronica Mars, and we could call her V. But she says no way. It broke my heart. The dog already has a name... Daisy. I told her we couldn't keep it as it is because that is the name of my car, it has a theme song and everything. Yes, I know I'm being ridiculous and a control freak, and Kelli reminded me that I don't technically live with my parents anymore... so my opinion really doesn't matter anyway...

But I want to name our new dog Veronica Mars... She would be the best dog ever.