A life less like the one I'm living

Last night I was helping my sister make a blanket for a church auction, and we both got sucked into Dateline. Usually, I hate these faux news shows because well, I'm a media snob. I can't help it, I'm a product of the HU communications education I'm receiving. Anyway... I didn't watch any of the sex offender part of the show, but I did watch a segment about a gunman who walked into a college building in Ohio and killed one man, injured a few others and basically took 93 others hostage for more than 7 hours. It was really interesting because the man was 62 years old, and obviously mentally unstable.

But that is not the really why I'm writing. They showed some courtroom footage from the case and one of the hostages took the stand. He said that as soon as he saw the gunman he thought he was going to die. He said: "I just started thinking to myself, have I lived the best life I know how?"

I thought about that question for awhile but I was scared to ask it of myself. Because I obviously haven't lived as well as I know how. Sometimes it feels like I'm giving life my all, doing everything I can, but it's a lie really. My years since I graduated from high school have been this strange sort of half-life, where the focal point of my existence has been myself--my education, my feelings, my wants, my needs.

But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what
God is looking for in men and women.It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just
to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And
don't take yourself too seriously—take God seriously. —Micah 6:8 (The
Message)

It hurts to read such beautiful words when who you are falls so short from who
He's called you to be.

Every people-group has a local idiot...

So this afternoon I happened to catch a really great episode of SNL w/ Scarlett Johansson and Death Cab for Cutie, which in itself makes it a great episode. But the weekend update made it great. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler played this game called the Nutbird News Quiz, where Fey read a quote and Poehler had to decide if it came from the mouth of Roberston or a crazy homeless man who lived down the street. It was hilarious, and prompted me to research some of the most asinine and classic Robertson quotes. Here are my favorites--Dumb things Pat Robertson said:

"Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history." --Pat Robertson

"(T)he feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." --Pat Robertson

"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for his help because he might not be there." --Pat Robertson, after the city of Dover, Pennsylvania voted to boot the current school board, which instituted an intelligent design policy that led to a federal trial.

"You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war ... We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with." --Pat Robertson, calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez

This one is related to it:"Wait a minute, I didn't say 'assassination.' I said our special forces should 'take him out,' and 'take him out' can be a number of things, including kidnapping." --Pat Robertson, clarifying his call to assassinate Hugo Chavez

"Many of those people involved with Adolph Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals -- the two things seem to go together."--Pat Robertson

"It's one thing to say, 'We have rights to jobs ... we have rights to be left alone in out little corner of the world to do our thing.' It's an entirely different thing to say, well, 'We're not only going to go into the schools and we're going to take your children and your grandchildren and turn them into homosexuals.' Now that's wrong. -- Pat Robertson, 1992

And here it is... possibly the most insane thing uttered by a person, ever:

"When I hit 570 pounds, it was a big deal. I called everybody in the gym to come look at what I'd done. Then one Saturday we went up to 800 pounds. Then later my doctor who was working with me got me up to 1,500. I went up 1,400, 1,500, 1,600, 1,700 ... in one day. The last time, it was one lift, I went 2,000 pounds." --Pat Robertson, on his ability to leg-press a ton.

Can it end now?

The problem with leadership is...

-Everyone cannot see your intentions when you make a decision

-Everyone is not on the same page as you, you have to stop and wait for them to catch up

-When someone else screws up, or even if things were out of everyone's control...the leader always, ALWAYS gets blamed

-When its your turn to hate the world, you still have to be the leader...giving up or slacking off is never an option

-You have to get your hands dirty... You have to set an example that probably no one is going to notice anyway.

-You're the first one there and last to go, and there's no time to catch up on sleep because you have to do it all over the next day.

-You have to take responsibility for everyone's work...even when it sucks. But you can't just change or redo the sucky work, because that is insulting to the worker. You are never allowed to insult, just be insulted. Same goes for criticism.

-Judgement and criticism never end. Even when it makes you want to cry.


Today I wish it was all over.

Self-Reflections from a semester...

The time has come... to make a list. I love lists. They are practically the only thing I read out of a textbook anymore. So here it is.

What I've learned about myself this fall

-1- I am political. Apparently, trying to be unpolitical makes me very much so. And I'm a liberal. A dirty, dirty liberal who believes that at our country's foundation, we believe in basic rights for every citizen. This includes rights like marriage, free expression and religious orientation.

-2- I'm anti-social. Meaning, I don't enjoy being around large groups of people. Or most people on a one-on-one basis, really. I'm not sure if this makes me a negative or mean person...but I'm not all that concerned. I like who I like and I avoid everyone else for the most part.

-3- I'm really dependent on my roommate. I've kind of always known this, but it is becoming blaringly obvious to me as of late. Seriously, she's leaving me to go to England and I'm not going to have anything do. She's the one constant in my life at school, and I have no clue what I'll do without her.

-4- I'm a good journalist because God has called me there. I always kind of thought that my talent in newspapers was kind of a fluke. But that view has changed. There is a lot of good to be done in the field. And it's my passion (I'm aware that this makes me a dork). Using my talent for God makes a lot more sense than fruitlessly trying to become good at something I suck at, just because it is a more "Christian" profession.

-5- My life is simple. And simple equals great. A lot of my friends are dealing with so much right now. And I have absolutely all of my needs met. Things are great, God is great. And sometimes it takes the hardships of others to make you realize how good and easy your life really is. And another thing, homework isn't a hardship. It's not even close.


So there's the list. It is not everything I've discovered, but a good chunk of it.

busyness is the devil

Today was a day from my old life. At least, it feels that way. I've been on the go since 8 this morning. Aerobics, make-up quiz w/ Dr. Brautigam, Chapel, Teaching for Char. Trans., Lunch with communications perspectives, Interview for a story at Coffe D, H-tonian staff meeting...all of these events directly succeeded the other, give or take a few minutes for travel.

This is a huge day for me right now. Usually, I have full hours in the afternoon to sit on my bed, watch a movie, take a nap, do homework, or dig into God's word for enjoyment--whatever I feel like, I do. But last semester, this would have been a normal day in my life. Which got me thinking, especially after chapel this morning...

I have successfully cut out the unnecessary from my life. The extra work that I did to get that extra degree that had started to isolate me from others, and my real self. I got rid of it, and its all behind me. I will not have another day like this one this semester. It was a fluke day that drove me crazy. It used to be that my whole life was this busy, and every day drove me crazy.

But now life is simple, and God is good.

By the way, my little sister is here, making everyone laugh as usual.

You really don't have to say anything, it'll be better that way

I have a friend who is 23 and in the earliest stage of divorce. So early that his side of the bed is still warm, he had to move out just weeks ago. Divorce is ugly, but this one is particularly awful and embarrassing for him and heartbreaking.

And people aren't helping him. Oh, don't get me wrong. Friends and family think they are but they really suck. Here are some examples of the "encouragement" he's been getting, and I'll share his reaction to it with you too.

"You'll be okay. I know it's hard now, but you'll look back and see that this is what is best."

"Don't worry, there is someone out there for you. It'll just take time."

Okay, so I know that these are seemingly nice things to say, but it made him feel crappy. Venting to me today, this is what he said he felt like saying to them:

"I just want to be like......you are all morons and missing the mark. As if I don't know this? I'm not a babbling lost fool."


Sometimes people say things to a person who is hurting just so they can feel better. They think its sympathy, but its lacking a serious amount of empathy that is necessary in being a real friend to that hurting person.

He's been pouring his heart out to me and I just listen. I don't know what else to do, really. It never ocurred to me to do anything at all.

I just needed to vent. People make me angry, and at the same time I wish I knew the perfect thing to say to make him feel better, and to make me feel better.

Updating for the sake of it...

This is an update of my life... Nothing is happening and everything is happening. There's no need for specifics here though. Well, maybe some vague ones. Are there such things as vague specifics?

When I was 14 I met a boy and we started dating. He was 17 and lived far away, so we had a relationship over the phone. We broke up, because long distance relationships are usually pointless, and when you're 14 they are definitely pointless. But we really did remain friends. He's one of the best friends I've ever had.

When I went away to college and got busy meeting people and making friends, our calls got less frequent and eventually stopped, partially due to his new fiance. We didn't talk for two years, and I never knew how his wedding turned out, or if he even got married at all. Every once in awhile I would think of him, but I never really thought we'd reconnect.

Last week, he found me on myspace. We emailed back and forth a few times. We got to talk on the phone Wednesday, and he recounted the story of his failed marriage. It was absolutely one of the saddest things I've ever heard from one of my close friends.

But he's so hopeful and he was so apolegetic to me, when that was completely unecessary. And all through this sadness of listening to him, I couldn't help but be glad. I'm glad he found me, and that we could pick back up from where we left off in our friendship. I'm glad I have him back again... I just hate the circumstances.

Don't be alarmed--I still love Jesus

So today I walked into the Registrar's office and dropped my educational ministries major. Yes. This might seem like a strange thing to you, since the ministry program was my initial reason for coming to Huntington. And there's that small fact that I'm going to be a minister when I grow up. There are a lot of reasons why I made the change--from a youth ministry major to a minor--but the primary one is that I felt convicted. To make a life change. To de-clutter my life. This might sound strange, but I feel like God has called me out of this major, and I feel really free.

The only reason I haven't done this sooner is that I was afraid of disappointing...everyone, but mostly myself. I thought I could do it. Two majors, but I really can't. Not and be the person I want to be in college. Someone who is open and available for her friends. And now, I can probably start that small group with Campus Life.

I've been exhausted this semester. And unhappy. And distant. I want to be real with people again, have time to have vulnerable conversations again.

Who knew, you drop a youth ministry major and suddenly you have time to actually do ministry.

Though I'm writing this at 4:42 a.m. in the news room, because I don't get to go to sleep until we put the Huntingtonian to bed, I feel very good. And free, did I mention that already?

Love is not against the Law

Derek Webb says this about love--

it's learning to admit
when you've had a hand in setting them up
in
knocking them down

love is not against the law
love is not against
the law

are we defending life
when we just pick and choose
lives
acceptable to lose
and which ones to defend

'cause you cannot choose
your friends
but you choose your enemies
and what if they were one
one and the same

Love is hard. I think that love in friendship is harder, because friendships can potentially be over. Most don't last forever. I've had to learn that in the last year with my best friend of six years, and even more recently as I've come back to school. People grow apart. Once you hit high school graduation, people start living live at all different speeds. Some leave the house, mature and never look back. Some get married young, and some look for ways to become independent without having to do anything more adult than put gas in our cars.

With family we know that we have to love each other no matter what. And I think that the danger of friendship is that, when people hurt us, or we feel slighted, the exit sign in the relationship comes into view. We think things like, "I don't need this," and "He/She is just not worth this."

These are ugly thoughts. I hate them. It makes me so sad that we invest ourselves in all the wrong things--jobs, possessions, people. Because people let us down. If, and when this happens, I think that it is the best priority check. So-and-So hurt my feelings and now I feel like my life is over... are my priorities in check, no. Friends, even the best, most selfless ones, do not hold the responsibility of making you feel good all of the time. And if that is how you view someone, as your source of entertainment, comfort or strength, you will always be left wanting.

And yes, blogging is a way to share your thoughts and feelings, but not at the expense of someone else's. Love is confrontational...let's deal with our emotions and stop veiling them behind our need to express ourselves on an irrelevant blog. It's really just cheapening the way we feel. And friends mean more than that, don't they? They just have to, or what's the point? I'll just sit here in my room and seek out companionship on the Internet. I'll join blogrings and facebook groups and I'll rack up names on my buddy list and stop having real conversations with anyone. If I'm not ready to be real with people, I might as well not bother interacting with anyone on a personal level. Because as my beautiful friend Kandace once said and I'll paraphrase, forced social interaction makes me uneasy.

I believe that blogs can be a great medium for self expression. But right now I hate what its becoming. A gossip ring and a safety net, where I can let someone else know how I feel without actually having to face them. Which is why I hope that no one feels targeted in this post.Believe me, I'm dealing with my issues on a more personal level than this post. This post is just me sorting out feelings. And when the situation warrants it, I'll be real with you. Promise.

Why does friendship feel so heavy?

I'm just going to start writing... I'm not quite sure what I want to say yet. Usually I have a particular thought I want to get down, but tonight I'm not sure what I want to say. This week I'm a little dissatisfied with myself. I don't feel like a good enough student, a good enough daughter, a good enough friend. But I'm not sure why I can't get there. Why I can't be the person I know I can be, the person I've successfully been before. My roommate Skeyse and I were talking about this "blah" feeling we've both had this fall, and she thinks it might just be a junior thing. But I think that its something more with me.

I'm going to be honest and say that I haven't been feeling too great lately. All I want to do is sleep, and on Saturdays I've done just that. I'll sleep a little more than 30 hours in a weekend. I get eight hours on weeknights and on the weekends I feel like I have to catch up. My energy just isn't there, and it frustrates me. I've been distancing myself from everyone around me but Skeyse. And she's going to Oxford next semester, so if I don't remedy this its going to be one lonely spring. But that doesn't even scare me, Sarah leaving, which, to me, is a sign that something is wrong. And I want to deal with it, if I could pinpoint why I feel the way I do. I'm afraid that if I have this room to myself all I will do is keep to myself. I'm becoming this hardcore loner and I don't know where it is coming from.

I've also been hit with the realization that all of my friends have monumental problems in their lives, and I'm so frustrated about it. Why does so much hurt exist? Why would someone's father do/say that to her? Why would this beautiful girl be anorexic, and why couldn't I see her struggling with it? Everyone is so broken, I'm broken, and who is there to fix it? I know the answer but right now it seems far from my reality.

When I was younger I prayed for God to give me compassion. Right now I wish my heart were harder, because it really aches inside, to feel this much sorrow for someone else. Her situation has completely thrown me off my axis and I don't feel like I can get oriented again. My heart is so heavy, and her problem seems so huge. And somehow, though I've ignored her issue for almost five years, she still feels like I've been there for her. I wasn't a friend to her at all, not in the way she really needed me. It was so superficial, and even when it was deep, those conversations were superficial, or about me. I used to pour my soul out to her, and I never stopped to see that she might need to bare her soul to me. I don't think it was becuase she didn't want to tell me, I honestly think I never gave her the opportunity.

Now, my friend, your heartache has moved me to tears. I can't stop crying for what you've been through, for how much you still have to deal with, and for the beauty I can see in your story--God moving in your life. I wish you would call so we could have a real conversation. I just want to listen to what your feeling so that I can be praying for you. I have do something, to try and get rid of this heaviness.

I want to get off

Driving back to school last night, I felt really old. I know 20 isn't old, but I felt it. It was a culmination of a lot of things I think, my feeling old. I was talking to Lauren about Katie's third anniversary with her boyfriend, and we were wondering if they might get engaged soon. ENGAGED. I felt like Jo March, and Lauren did too. For anyone who hasn't read Little Women, Jo has three sisters and she's the last to get married. Her whole outlook on life was basically that why should they all get married, when they were so happy being together, just being sisters. And I feel like this all the time, who needs boys, really?

Lauren started crying saying that she didn't want to be this old, that one of the Goddard girls was well on her way to being married. And I felt like crying too but I held it in, because it was ridiculous really, us crying over something that hasn't happened yet.

So that was one thing, and the other thing which made me feel old was John. Good old John, this song really spoke to me, and probably every college junior who is stuck in transition...

No i'm not color blind I know the world is black and white

Try to keep an opened mind i just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train i want to get out and go home again

I can't take the speed it's moving in I know i can

But honestly will someone stop

this train

Don't know how else to say it,

don't want to see my parents go

One generation's length away From fighting life out on my own

Come on stop this train I want to get off and go home again

I can't takethe speed it's moving in

I know i can but honestly won't someone stop this train

So afraid of getting older I'm only good at being young

So i play the numbers game to find a way to say that

life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand You sit
down 68 you'll renegotiate Don't stop this train
Don't follow it moves
the
place you're in I don't think i could ever understand
I tried my
hand John,
honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while
when it's good
It'll feel like it should When you're all still around And you're
still safe
and sound And you don't miss a thing so you cry when you're
driving
away in
the dark. Singing stop this train i want to get out and
go home again I
can't take this speed it's moving in I know i can Cause now
i see i'll never
stop this train

Issue one--check

The first issue of the paper is done. Page seven freaks me out. The worst part of being the editor is having to write an editor's note, and that picture is just too huge. I'm not that kind of reporter, the one who eventually just wants to write opinion columns. No, I'm sure that writing down what other people say is a way better use of my time. I'm not a columnist... my opinion is not that important to me and it changes daily.

Thought the best way to share with you what I've been doing this week is to just give you the link to the web version of what has become my life. Here's the link.

http://www.huntington.edu/newspaper/2006-2007/Issue%201-2006%20for%20Web.pdf

29

29... the number of consecutive hours I was awake from Monday, 7:45 a.m. 'til today, 12:45 p.m.

But the Huntingtonian got finished, and I'm personally proud of all the work that was put into it.

I've only been awake for an hour and now I'm ready to go back to bed. I just needed to get dinner. All-nighters do not agree with my body... I kind of feel like my head is detaching itself from my body, or maybe I have whiplash.

Turning into my busy self

This is my third week of school. The time when you really get to start digging into the courses you are taking. So I thought I would talk about my courses for a little bit. Overall, I really like everything I'm taking and the teachers (some of the students in them are already starting to drive me insane). We'll see how long all of this lasts. Here we go:

Mass Communication: I always love my communication classes because I know everyone in them by now and a lot of times we have fun discussions. Talking about media on a global scale is different for me, as a journalist I've mainly focused on affecting a more local audience. But its been kind of fascinating learning how the big news outlets do it... the biases they have and how the way they present certain issues really affects viewer/reader opinion. This class has birthed in me a hatred for the Fox News Channel (fair and balanced?) that has affected how I watch the news. Propoganda is out there in all the media outlets, and you have critically evaluate everything you are taking in, from either a liberal or conservative bent. Plus, we get to engage in media in the class by watching documentaries, news casts, and listening to speakers. Its been pretty great so far.

Journalism Practicum: This is the third time I've taken this class, but so far its been my favorite time. I am one of three upperclassmen in it, and I kind of feel like I'm there to help out the freshmen who are just starting out with their portfolios and their journalism majors. Plus, as editor of the Huntingtonian this year, they all know me and think I can answer all of their questions. Whether that is a fair assumption or not, this class is like an affirmation session for me. Plus there is a lot of positive relationship-building going on between me and Slang and our new reporting staff. They are all taking everything so seriously, it makes me happy, and its a little pathetic at the same time.

Public Policy: This is the class that might turn into my favorite this semester, because its just freakin' fascinating. Plus, my favorite gen. ed. prof is teaching it, which was a total surprise when I got my schedule this summer. So far we've discussed a ton of stuff that I learned in media law (my FAVORITE class from last year, besides Hebrew) and it is fun to discuss things like the 1st Amendment from a different point of view, and to listen to how non-communication students feel about their freedom of speech and other civil liberties. The only bad thing is the narrow-mindess that comes into play when we discuss issues like legalized prostitution and abortion. People cannot seem to grasp the idea that everyone does not have "Christian" mores, and that every young girl who gets knocked up does not have it coming to her. When I get in an enclosed room with fourty students who know that their opinion is the only right one, I get really uncomfortable. It actually makes me physically sick. So, this class is going to be a challenge for me. I'm excited.

Biblical Interpretation: This class is my heaviest work load, but so far I'm really liking it. Dr. Fairchild is amazing, and even though his class is at 8 a.m. and is 75 minutes long, I'm excited to go in the morning because this stuff is really revolutionary to me. I mean, the Bible is kind of turning into this amazing puzzle to me, where I get to search for key words and themes and the purpose behind some of the things Paul writes in I Timothy. It's hard, and I have a million questions all of the time. Right now I'm in the middle of making observations on the book as a whole, and I cannot wait until I'm done so I can look to commentaries to answer some of my questions. The Bible is so amazing... that to fully understand it the way God intends us to, scholars have developed a system that can take hours just to delve into 12 verses. And it is thousands of years old and it is living, and God communicates to us in it. I sound like a dork but this is just so awesome to me.

Teaching for Character Transformation:
I really like that I'm taking this class after my internship this summer, and I hate it at the same time. Because when we are talking about approaches and principles of how students learn, I can picture myself teaching certain things and using the techniques we talk about to the students from home, but I get frustrated when I think about how much better I could have been when I was teaching, just from what I've learned in the past three weeks of class, and also using concepts from Bib Interp. My professor is crazy, but you can tell she loves what she's doing. I wish that we could have better discussion in there though, no one will talk.


So, this is what I'm learning right now. On top of everything I'm learning as the editor, which has been so much. I'm confident that at the end of this semester, I will be both older and wiser... hehe :)

Leave poor Disney out of this

After reading the latest posts by both Michelle Malkin and Juan Cole, it became apparent what issues are hot on the minds of both conservative and liberal political thinkers. For the Democrats of this nation, like Cole, Bush’s address this week is of high priority. Basically, Cole called our President a liar when he talked about what Cole is calling the “Abu Zubayda myth”—a story Bush is telling about the capture of a terrorist just months after September 11 who Bush labeled as a close ally to Osama Bin Laden. He said that this man helped us capture another Al-Qaeda leader, but Cole is saying that the government had the information they used to capture this man an entire month before 9/11. So, is our President throwing out lies to distract the public from something? Cole says yes.

For Republicans like Michelle Malkin, there was a clear target this week—Walt Disney. ABC’s decision to cut an allegedly anti-Clinton, anti-Democrat sequence out of its made-for-tv special, “Path to 9/11” was the topic of her blog. Malkin called the left-wing supporters “bullies and thugs” who have been emboldened by their victory over ABC in this case. Apparently, our right to protest and petition for something we believe in automatically creates bullies. But anyhow, I’m not sure that Malkin’s blog of the week speaks of the most relevant news today. Okay, so we know that Disney is evil, and now they are giving into the conniving left-wing protestors…blah-blah. We’ve heard all of this before, it’s getting a little old. And I’m still going to watch Beauty and the Beast because it is my favorite movie of all time and that will never change.

And yes, I know that targeting Bush is getting quite as old as the way conservatives berate the most magical corporation on earth, but at least democrats seem to have some weight and value behind their arguments.

My double life

Sometimes I feel like I'm becoming two very different people. Specifically, a minister and a journalist. Fitting, I know, since I'm an ed. ministries/journalism double major. The only reason I came to Huntington was because God gave me the means to be here, and I have always believed that God is blessing me by letting me pursue journalism. Anywhere else, I would be a ministry major, just a ministry major.

But here I am, living two lives. One is like home to me. Working on the Huntingtonian and writing and copy editing... all of these things feel like an extension of myself. I'm the most comfortable and pleased with myself when I'm working on a newspaper. And I'm good at it, not just competent. I know that I'm good at it. I've never felt more confident about anything. And since I was 12 this is what I saw myself doing with my life.

My minstry self is at most times completely void of any self confidence. Working at a church this summer was so hard, giving so much of myself to students drained me everyday. And I just don't feel like any of my large group teachings went very well. Even when I would have to stand up in front of the church, just to give a 30 second announcement, my body and voice would shake. God gave me encouragement everywhere though, but especially in the junior high girls small group I had at my house. I miss those girls so much.

When I turned 16, I realized that my plans are not always what God has for me. Now I know that I'm called to work with students fulltime. And I've always looked at journalism like something I have to give up when the time comes to go into vocational ministry. In high school my thoughts about my future were rigid like that... God was calling me to give up my dreams of being a journalist and become a youth minister. Now I know that I'm not two people. I know that all of gifts and talents, as well as my deficiencies, are all a part of my calling from God. Its just frustrating because how it all is going to fit together is completely beyond my understanding. And I think that, even though I love journalism and the fact that I'm so good at it is appealing, that it is not always something that is beneficial to me because so much of it comes from me... my talents, my writing, my knowledge. My ministry is always going to come from God, because let's face it, I kind of suck at it right now. The only time things are good is when I don't feel like I'm doing any of the work, but the spirit is taking what I've prepared and speaking through it.

So this is something I've been struggling with for awhile. Why would God create me to be so good at one thing, and call me into a totally different vocation? I think that His biggest answer is dependence. He doesn't want me to lean on my own talents and understanding, but to cling to him to get me through. I have no idea why he thinks I'm a worthy enough spokesperson, but I think that in my ministry the message is always going to end up being more appealing than the messenger, which does give me comfort in all this uncertainty.

Get me out of this drama-filled O.C.

In case you didn't know, nothing ever happens in my life. Drama happens all around me, and I just get the reflected glow off of everyone else's excitement. But I'm no complaining, I love my drama-free life. But the more crap I help people deal with, or listen to people vent as they deal with it, the more I realize that I live through people a lot. And I live through characters I read about and watch in movies. Its a very safe life, and I'm very happy by my standards. But last night I watched Shadowlands, this movie about how C.S. Lewis got married to this loud mouthed yankee poet. And I think when Lewis met Joy he realized that he had been living life really safe because he didn't let too many people into it that challenged him. He was always the best in his social circles. The most intelligent, the best writer, the best debator... he didn't have a single challenging relationship until he met Joy.

And it got me thinking... I don't want to live safe anymore. Lord, I think I'm ready to have my own experiences again. I want to allow the people in my life to not only support me, but challenge me to become who you've called me to be. I know I'm falling short right now, and it feels like I'm not really living. I know if I come to you willing to change, you'll work with me. We'll see how it goes.

You are what you write

Dear Blogspot,

I read the article "Words of Caution: Bloggers who use Web to grouse about the workplace face employers' wrath as companies put limits on employees' speech" in the Indianapolis Star on Sunday. And I want to confess about something right now. I am fully aware that my identity is revealed on this blog. My real name and picture are used to personalize it. I also know that because I post my thoughts and feelings and stories on blogspot, anyone in the world can access it. Therefore, if I ever write anything to hurt my reputation or the reputation of a friend, family member or employer, it will be my own fault if I am punished in some way. So blogspot, I'm sorry that people are blaming you for their stupidity. If they wouldn't ride down street with a bullhorn reading their posts, maybe they shouldn't be posting it in the firstplace. Journals are for the things you need to write but are afraid to offend with... blogs are for writing for others to share in your life. And when I say others, you know I mean anyone in the entire world who is smart enough to use the Internet, right? The only reason underground newspapers are worth anything is that no one can figure out who is trashing them. I think we can learn a lot from this, blogspot.

And also, my dear friend, I want to apologize for your other users out there who think they are being mysterious when they talk about a friend who stabbed them in the back or hurt their feelings, but think its okay to talk hatefully about someone because they omit a name. And yes, we ALL know who they are talking about. No one is as mysterious as they think they are. So sorry, blogspot, that we misuse you and blame you when someone gets hurt... or we get fired.

A father to the fatherless

My dad hit me once. I couldn't tell you why or how old I was...I know it was in the morning before school and that I probably smarted off, but I can still picture the back of his hand coming toward me. And the way I felt as I fell into the corner of the hallway, so small and helpless. That feeling will probably never leave me. But I wasn't hurt physically--my daddy would never injure me. He's a great dad, really. I've never, ever told anyone other than my mother about that fateful morning. Not my sisters, not my closest friends. But I feel like I have to get that out before I can sort through everything that I'm feeling right now--I'm not saying it for any kind of sympathy, I haven't thought about the incident in years because it is so insignificant. But I do have to say it because that 3 seconds of my life, when I made contact with his hand and started to fall away from him toward the ground, is the closest I'm ever going to feel to being fatherless.

One of my closest friends has always been, and will always be without a dad. Her mom and grandparents and aunt and uncle, and even her most loving boyfriend have more than filled any void he could have left, but she's been without just the same. And something happened recently that has mucked up all this crap that she's not felt in awhile, and she's feeling pretty fatherless right now. It has to do with letters and money and her coming to grips with the kind of man he really is. There seems to be no integrity in him at all, just the appearance of it. Growing up my friend's dad was always a touchy subject... I just knew that he stayed away and that's exactly what she wanted. He supported her as impersonally as he could... a simply check in the mail at the appropriate time. But once in sixth grade he mailed her a letter. She never read it. Today, after the past few weeks he's put her and her mom through, she told me that she feels justified in keeping him away from her heart the way she always has. And her saying that completely broke my heart. Because, why do I get a dad when she doesn't?

Sometimes I think God established a father/child relationship because there is nothing more natural and beautiful than a dad loving his daughter or son with all that he has. Playing with her, praying for her, providing for her. And it has always helped me understand God better, to think of him as a dad similar to mine. One who is constantly frustrated with his ungrateful, sometimes unloving child, but would do anything for her at the same time. But I also think God is our father because some people simply don't have one, or they have such an awful dad that they would be better off without. The Lord allows us to call him Dad because sometimes we just need one.

"Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds--his
name is the LORD--and rejoice before him. A father to the fatherless, a defender
of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he
leads forth the prisoners with singing..." Psalm 68 5-6

Finally, a piece of redemptive fiction

"It was a cult of death: in the end there was no symbol in human history more disconcerting to Amos than Jesus on the cross. Amos was drunk, okay, he would admit it, but he loved Jesus, he loved the doomed baby and the serious little boy in the temple addressing his elders, and he adored the man Jesus became, the crafty magician sneaking into villages and healing the least of his brethren and whispering Tell no one I was here. Amos could think about Jesus for hours, how he inverted the status quo and begged us to lay down our weapons, how (and his is a stunner, as far as Amos was concerned) one of the tests scholars apply to the Gospels, in trying to determine what might be legitimately ascribed to Jesus, is this: what speech, what gesture, is the most unlikely in first-century Palestine? Find those, and ecce homo, you've found the Man. -- The Solace of Leaving Early, Haven Kimmel


Its three in the morning and I just finished this book. Shame on me for staying up so late when our youth group has a service project in the morning. But I just sunk my teeth into this book and I couldn't stop until I had found out how it was all to be resolved. And while I know that this book has everything to do with questioning huge, impersonal theological and religious ideas in the context of a broken relationship, I couldn't help but see God moving in every page, through these fictional characters. And it got me thinking about something Jesus said to his disciples about prayer, something like if dads on earth know what kind of gifts to give their children, how much more perfectly does our Heavenly Father know how to give to us. Because if this work of fiction, created by one simple, imperfect person, can portray God's relationship with humanity in such a beautiful language, how much more perfect is the real thing--God's story written about how he longs for me to forget about my past and my insecurities and just wrap my entire self around his leg like a three year old who wants her dad to take her for a ride. I was laying in bed for awhile, but I wanted to get my thoughts down so I could look back on this post someday and remember the awe I'm feeling right now. I think that I'm in a season of my life where I can't figure out why anyone takes the time or effort to invest in me... so to be hit with the unmistakeable truth that the King of Eternity longs for me to dwell in Him, to find my comfort in Him, to find my acceptance in Him is a kind of revolutionary thought for me right now. A concept that has been bred and instilled in me all my life, but until now hasn't been translated as pure, unadulterated love.

Yoga was my best friend last night... It saved me from imploding, I think. After the day I had, I needed that hour to focus on my breathing and movement, but I mostly needed to NOT be focusing on the day because it was so horrible.

I'll give some credit to my friends, I really think they thought they were being supportive. But if I had to hear one more, "Why is she getting married again?" I don't know what I would have done. Wait, I do know. I would have screamed at one of them, like I did to my mother. Because you can show horrible sides of yourself to your mom that you hide from your friends because, let's face it, your mom is obligated to love you anyway. And why I'm sure my friends would still love me if I had a nervous breakdown in front of them, but I would scare them for sure.

But I did find a dress that I don't totally hate. But now I have to come up with bridal shower games, yuck.

Vacation without rest

It's weird how during the school year when I have so much work to do I find the time to update this every day, and now that its summer I never seem to update. Probably because there is nothing going on in my life that is of any significance.

It kind of feels like everything is happening to people all around me, and nothing at all to me. I'm pretty restless at the moment...

Heading to the Smokies for a week of family time. Its going to be a test of my patience, mostly because I have none when it comes to my sisters. My goal is to not be the cause of any argument this week, and even though I see about a million problems brewing up in my family I'm not going to bring light to any of them because frankly, that is not supposed to be my role. I'm going to let my parents be parents and my sisters be the adults they are becoming. This is a huge step for me. I might tell you if I have success with my new attitude, and if I don't you'll know I failed miserably.

My preschool moments...

Obedience... its not a word that I like very much, probably because I suck at it. Ask my parents. But yesterday in church I had an epiphany of sorts. It was like a huge amount of old truth hit me in a new and real way. We were singing a song called "Unfailing Love" and we came to these lyrics-- "And everything you hold in your hand, Still you make time for me, I can't understand." And at that moment I really couldn't understand. Why would God put up with all of my crap, my disobedience?

During our communion meditation I started thinking about the things I fill my time with, the thoughts that I have all the time that are just starting to eat away at my relationship with God. And I thought about how much God has given me, what He gives me everyday and I do absolutely nothing for him that is free from an alterior motive. And I really have nothing of worth to give God but my love and obedience. I kind of feel like I'm in the preschool years of my faith, I rebel just enough to see what God is going to do about it, but I know that He has what is best for me. And I'm not four, obedience should not be a dirty word. It shouldn't be hard for me to love people and give God what he deserves--my heart, my talents and my time. But I'm having a lot difficulties giving that to hime without feeling like I would be happier if I were living for me. I am just so incredibly frustrated with my attitude--its like I know in my head that I'm acting ridiculous but I can't stop feeling that way.

When I was a little girl I went to this Baptist youth camp every summer that I absolutely loved. Every year we sang this song, its probably the only one I remember, because this was like 10 years ago. But the lyrics went like this: "I'll obey to serve you, I'll obey to show I love you. I'll obey, my life is in your hands. It's the way to prove my love when feelings go away. If it costs me everything, I'll obey." I've just been thinking about those words. And this summer I really have not been getting any of the feel-good stuff from him. Those feelings are not always going to be there. True spiritual growth happens in the rock-bottom valleys of faith, not the times when God picks you up and mercifully does all of the work for you. It should be really simple to obey God because it is just the outflow of my love for him. But I'm crap, I really am.

Pedro the Lion says it best:
You know I want to be like Jesus
But it seems so far away
When will I learn to obey
Obey

Weddings, Cheesecake and a Sinus Infection

Kristi Cochran is now Mrs. Sluka and that is so beautiful. I think that the whole wedding/marriage thing makes sense to me in a new way after this weekend, my first bridesmaid experience. It was so cool that they were willing to go through that entire weekend, all the money and stress related to it, just so that they could stand up as examples of what love is supposed to look like between two of God's children. They were both so happy, and the wedding was gorgeous.

Weddings have been on my mind the last month as I was preparing myself to lose Kristi in the relational context I'm used to, since she is obviously not going to be living with us on R3 next year. And I kept thinking how many times the New Testament talks about our relationship with Christ as one between a bride and a groom. I guess it is the closest earthly picture we have of that beautiful union, and I think that Kristi and Phil's wedding was such a cool celebration of what we have to look forward to one day with Jesus.

And Kristi was so beautiful she made me cry...Seriously. And I got to eat sweets for the first time in weeks. Chocolate Rasberry Truffle from Cheesecake factory, an embarrassing bachelorette cake make by Skeyse's mom, and Kristi's dad's famous cake at the wedding. Now that it is okay to eat sweets again, that seems to be the only thing I want to do. I think I'll give myself this week and abstain from them for at least another month. I was feeling pretty healthy before I started eating all of that crap again.

The beautful Nichole came home with me after the wedding and got to sleep a few nights in the OC, and that is basically all we did, being as tired as we were from the decorating, the sleeping in strange beds, and the walking around all day in riduculously uncomfortable shoes. But it was really good to have that little bit of goodbye time together. Because yes, two of my friends are leaving me in the fall. I think Nichole driving away from my house was even sadder to me than Kristi getting herself tied to a man forever (just joking, my lovely friend) because I'll still see Kristi practically every day and Nichole is going to be practically gone from my Huntington life. It is really sad, but beautiful at the same time because this whole thing is such a good fit for her. And she's getting married next summer and I'm really excited for that.

I am rambling so much that I almost forgot to talk about the third point in my title. I'm sick. My allergies have been pretty mad at me the last few days and it has been hard to breathe. But I think its been a blessing, because I took Monday afternoon off to got to the Dr. and rest, and that enabled me to go serve at the Community Kitchen in Bloomington with two girls in the youth group. They called and needed a third, so I took an advil for my headache and went to clean and serve meals to people for a few hours. Everyone there is so amazingly nice and it felt good to be giving people a good meal. And it was amazing because I didn't cough or sneeze the entire time I was there, which I was kind of afraid was all I was going to be doing. Yay, God is good.

Saturday in my pajamas

Okay, so I haven't changed out of my tank top in shorts I slept in, but its my day off and being a bum is what I love to do. Though my appearance does not warrant it, I did get a lot done today.

My mommy turned 47 today and my sisters and I decided to get her framed portraits of us taken... well at least I took them. What good is a $200 camera anyway, if I can't use on for someone I love. We framed four pictures, one 5x7 of each of us girls and an 8x10 of the three of us together. We took them at Butler on Monday when we visited Katie. And today while my parents went out on a date Lauren and I mounted them in their bedroom. This, unfortunately required some spackling and touch-up painted when Lauren made some unecessary holes in the wall. She was adorable, she kept calling herselp Bob Villa.

Lauren also made her a cookie cake as a surprise. I'm excited, birthdays are my favorite thing, except my own of course. We also tried to finish mulching the huge new flower garden in our backyard, but we ran out of landscaping fabric and a trip to Wal-Mart is apparently required to get the job finished. Does a day ever go by where I don't have to go to Wal-Mart, I've hardly been free of that place for a day since I've been home.

Lauren went and got us dinner, baked spaghetti from Pizza Hut, and we watched In her Shoes, which came this week from Netflix. I like my day off, its good to me.

Last week was busy, but a reallly good one. I forgot how nice it was to get a paycheck that was more than $87 every month, which is what I tried to live on during the year. Yay for money. Strike that, yay for not having to worry about money.

Lots of stuff is going on, but none of it interesting enough to put in this post. I'm just working, which means going to the office to plan and study all day, which I'm really enjoying, and hanging out with students in the evening. When I'm not with students, I'm hanging out with my lil' sis, who is in fact a junior in my youth group, or I'm sleeping. I'm not completely unpacked and settled in my room yet, so I have been floating from sleeping on the futon in my sis' room to the coach about every other night.

For Memorial day Lauren and I went up to Indy to hang out with our big sis Katie, who is living up there and going to Butler pharmacy school. We went to Circle Center and shopped, which turned out to be fun but pretty fruitless, and we had dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory which was amazing. It was nice to have some uninterrupted time with her. I think it was the first time in 2.5 years that her boyfriend didn't call when I was with her. That made my day.

Todays agenda= going to the office, playing ultimate frisbee w/ students at 2:00, coming home and hosing the sweat of my exhausted body (it is going to be so hot outside), and driving to B-town to tan and buy the frames for my mom's b-day present. We are going to frame some portraits that I took of me and my sisters on Saturday when we were at Butler. It's going to be fun.

By the way, I'm now addicted to the show you see listed below this post. Katie bought and brought the first season home for me to watch a few weeks ago, and since then I have downloaded the entire second season to watch. I fell in love w/ Veronica's character. I'm sad that I have to wait until September before I can watch a new episode.

You might be a feminist if...

(*disclaimer: I read this on someone's blog... I only mostly agree with it)


A funny thing happens to girls in junior high schools across America. It doesn't happen to every girl, and it doesn't happen all at once. But it is widespread and well-documented. Girls change. They change from passionate, playful, competitive and intelligent girls into uncertain, self-loathing, depressed adolescents.

To put it another way: Girls start acting dumb. They trade their math books for "Seventeen," starve themselves, and quit the basketball team to become cheerleaders. Some of them do it enthusiastically, but others enter adolescence reluctantly, longing for the days when they could be... well, themselves.

And while almost everyone accepts this as just a way of life, some people see it as a tragedy.

This phenomenon is discussed in several articles and books, the most prominent of which is probably Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher, PhD. It has no single cause, it is a byproduct of patriarchal culture, just like unequal pay, double standards, stereotypes, sexist assumptions, and contradictory rules for females.

A young woman once told me that she'd never be a feminist because she'd never experienced sexism. But sexism is still present in America - in fact, it's everywhere. If anything, it's just become more subtle.

My bet is that every woman (and probably every man) has experienced at least a few, and probably hundreds, of patriarchal injustices.

And anyone who opposes an injustice based on gender - whether they're male or female - is a feminist, or at least, they can be said to hold some feminist views. Despite what backlash has claimed, feminism is nothing more than the powerful notion that women and men deserve to be treated equally.

If you're tired of being defined by who you date and having your accomplishments marginalized or ignored, if you're sick of being "the woman behind the man," you might be a feminist.

If you got angry because your health teacher told you, "A guy who has sex has nothing to lose, but a girl has her reputation", you might be a feminist. (I didn't make that up, a teacher really told my 8th grade class that. It was 1998.)

If you've ever been legitimately angry and been accused of "just PMSing," you might be a feminist.

If you think it's unfair for a rape victim to be asked if she's a virgin at her rapist's trial, you might be a feminist.

If you got mad when you realized your guidance counselor was discouraging all the girls in your school from taking upper level science courses, regardless of their skill levels, you might be a feminist.

If the female members of your Homecoming and Prom Court were all cheerleaders, while you were on the volleyball team. If you've noticed a female sports star has to be an Anna-Kournikova-sex-symbol to get on a Wheaties box, while plenty of famous male athletes are about as appealing as John Kruk... you might be a feminist.

If you want to be paid the same wage as a man who does the same work as you... Who are you kidding? You're a feminist.

If you want to be offered an opportunity for career advancement, instead of having your boss assume that you'll be leaving in three years to have a baby, then face it - you're a feminist.

If you are pro-contraception, wake up - you're a feminist. If you don't think it's fair you have to pay $50 a month for your birth control while your insurance provider covers prescriptions for Viagra, you're a feminist.

If you would like to see the wealthy nations of the world fight against global female genocide and female genital mutilation, honor killings, bride burnings, and other atrocities against women - you might as well be a card-carrying feminist.

If you are not a feminist, at least in this most broad definition of the word, you're either a chauvinist, a misogynist or a doormat.

If you think I'm misrepresenting feminism, you can look it up in any dictionary or encyclopedia. You can do research on sites such as National Organization for Women or Feminist Majority Foundation. Or, check out these great feminist books: The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan, A Room of One's Own by Virginia Woolf, The Second Sex by Simone De Beauvoir, The Women's Room by Marilyn French, and Feminism is for Everybody by Bell Hooks.

It's important to note that not all feminists are activists. Feminism is both a frame of mind and a movement.

But if you are a member of America's Silent Majority... whenever you're ready to start acting up, the rest of us could really use your help.

I feel so out of context...

Today I realized something when I was visiting students at the high school for lunch. I have talked to my parents less this past week than when I am at school, which is three hours away. I live at home, that is just pathetic. So I decided to run down the hall and see my dad really fast before he left for lunch, and he invited me to come back in a half hour to watch his kids dissect rats. Seriously. That. Is. Disgusting. I told him I'd pass, then I made a mental note to sit with him on the couch sometime this week so we could cuss at the Reds. Now, that is quality father-daughter time.

Lauren and I have been together A LOT though. She's actually turning into someone I like to hang out with, and I'm pretty sure that I never thought that would happen. We got Netflix for the summer and we've got about a thousand we plan to see together. Plus, anytime I'm "working" at a youth event, I get to hang out with her. Such fun, I'm in a pretty good situation.

It is a beautiful day outside. I think I'll help my dad in the yard. Get some free tanning in. Right now, my arms resemble a farmer's (Darn you, tennis class). This is not good. I have to look cute in a shiny blue dress in 18 days. Need to work on the tan a little bit more. Blah Blah Blah. My life is Boring. Blah Blah Blah. I'm out, talk to ya soon.

My half-life...

Home has been so strange. Strangely wonderful, actually. A lot of good things have happened, and some completely odd things too. Like I lost our trash bags at home. They are in my room somewhere, but I've yet to find them after searching for four days. I have also become addicted to yet another show... I'm sue it is slowly killing me. But I'm really into Veronica Mars, my big sis bought the first season on dvd and I fell in love with the character not because she is necessarily real, but because she is fearless. She kicks butt on a daily basis, and sometimes that is just fun to watch.

But my last week here hasn't really felt like my life. I haven't seen any of my home friends, not counting my church peeps. I haven't been on any deadlines, which I always am at school with the paper and journalism classes. I've sepent a lot of time with my lil sis and my mom, both of whom I have begun to build real, non-familial relationships with. I don't feel the obligation to spend time with them anymore, when I'm at school I find myself longing for it. So I'm not going to label this last week as my summer self yet... I kind of feel like Hugh Grant in "Notting Hill," like I "live a strange sort of half-life." But its been very enjoyable, I do admit... and God and I have been spending some much-needed, uninterrupted time together.

I re-reading Donald Miller's Searching For God Knows What, and a passage resonated with me that I hadn't thought about before--

My friend Penny's dad says he thinks God was angry for a while after the Fall, then got over it, sent His Son, and now is pretty well adjusted and forgiving. And of course I don't think that is exactly how it is, but I can understand why Penny's dad would read the Bible this way. But my other friend John MacMurray says that every time he gives the Bible to a person to read for the first time, even if they don't agree with it, they see God as a Person who is incredibly patient with humanity. John pointed out that it takes God hundreds of years to finally get angry enough to lay any sort of punishment on His enemies. He's like France in this way.

When I read that yesterday I thought about Michael and my junior year in Spanish class. Michael, out of the blue one day turned to me and said that the he can't stand the Bible because it contradicts itself. Now, my sixteen year-old self was utterly offended that Michael would bash my God's very own word right in front of me. I told him that I absolutely believed everything the Bible said, but thinking back I'm not sure how much of the Bible I actually had studied. But I can relate to him now. On the surface, Yahweh has two polar sides, there is no consistency at all. He is completely just in how he writes off his people-- "If you do not carefully follow all the words of this law, which are written in this book, and do not revere this glorious and awesome name--the Lord your God--the Lord will send fearful plagues on you and your descendants, harsh and prolonged disasters, and severe and lingering illnesses" (Deut. 28:58-59). He warned us, and we broke his trust. But then comes the beautiful injustice of God, which is embodied in Christ's birth, death and resurrection. We disobey, and God's takes on our punishment for us.

So yes Michael, the Bible is pretty inconsistent, but I'm personally thankful that I'm not held accountable for the payment of my sins. I used to get peeved when my parents grounded me from the television... what would it be like to get punished for every crappy thing I did, and the things I just can't seem to stop doing?

"The Intern"

As soon as I wrote my title I thought it sounded like a competitor to "the Apprentice." How stupid would that show be, probably vh1's version with Flava Flave or Danny Bonaduce as the host. Amazing. Anyway... I promise I haven't got sucked into the illusion that is reality telelvision, but the intern is my new identitiy for the summer. I'm the student ministries intern at my home church this summer.

So far, I've eaten lunch with students, wrote a letter to a few of 'em, and played ultimate frisbee...Which I should probably look into as a profession, I'm pretty good (and a total liar, apparently.) And I have slept A LOT since I have been home. It feels amazing. Plus, I'm reading for fun. I guess all of the life wasn't sucked out of me last semester, like I originally thought.

Being home has been an experience so far. Not saying if it's been a good or bad one, because I'm not even sure yet. My b-day was Saturday and absolutely NO ONE made a fuss over me, which I hate, so it was pretty much the perfect day. Plus, my sister's bought me Sephora and a yoga mat. They love me, its true. My mom and I are heading on a shopping trip to some of my favorite stores soon... well maybe not soon, just when we both have the time. But it will be fun. And Friday I am going to go hang out with my former best friend who is newly brainwashed and engaged. Our interaction is always so surface-level anymore and I'm at the point where it doesn't seem worth it to even bother. But alas, she's my Heidi... bring on the awkward silences.

Hmm... the best thing about being at home. Dinner is fixed every night for just four people... not 1000, so it has flavor and food group variation. Home sweet home.

Since the craziness is winding down... maybe I'll post

One more exam and I'll be halfway done with my undergrad. Its a sigh of relief right now, because the past two weeks have been crazy, and really beautiful. And two of my favorite people are living their last week in the dorm, I'll miss my Kristi and my Nichole, but I'm super excited for both of you.

This year I've learned that most days, I don't want to be here. That sounds really bad, because Huntington truly is a beautiful place for me, with amazing friends. But as I sit in classes teaching me how to write and teaching me how to minister, I get this incredible, most anxious urge to actually write and to actually minister.

Which leads me to the only reason I'm excited to leave my comfortable dorm room on my safe campus for the summer. I get to do what I've been anxious for, I get to hang out with students all summer and I cannot describe to you how excited I am to actually be working in the church. Something that really has been four years in the making, I've felt God pulling me in that direction since I was 16. I'm scared and excited. And scared, and so blessed to be weening myself into it by working at my home church with students I already, for the most part, have some sort of a relationship with. People have been encouraging me in every possible way this spring. And I have to say that Dr. Bergler is going to be the best internship mentor ever. I wish he was my real advisor... because then at least I would have one who wasn't trying to fail me in practicum. *Sigh* I promise, I'm over it.... starting May 15, I've got a real, go to the office, love on kids internship. Words cannot describe my delight--God is just so good.

Oh, and I'm currently mad at the Gilmore Girls. We're feuding right now, and I'm not sure if we are going to make amends. My one comfort in life, though it sounds pathetic, is that on Tuesday nights, after I get home from Emmaus (my young adult small group at church), Rory and Lorelai are in my vcr, ready to make me happy. And now Lorelai is a whore and I am mad at her. But next September, all will be better, and hopefully the show will get funny again. Depressed Lorelai isn't that quick-witted. I miss it.

What I Learned Watching Laguna Beach

-Its okay to hook up with all of your friends.. "Hook up" means having sex. But if you say hook up it doesn't sound that bad.
-A four year old car is an antique.
-When your dad is the pastor at a mega church, you are rich enough to pay for an audtion on broadway, even if you are a horrible singer.
-What happens in Cabo, stays in Cabo.
-When your dad is a businessman, you get a new car for graduation. When your dad is a minister, you get a leather bound NIV study Bible.
-You can graduate from high school and not understand how a cable car works.
-Its cool to buy a vespa, because they come in lots of colors and you get a matching helmet.
And now, a little vocabulary lesson:
"That was a trip, it was a trip and a half."
"I'm amped."
"That is so rad."
"We are so dunzo."

On page 23...

And I have about 6 more to go. Not to mention the Hebrew quiz, and interview I have tomorrow. Oh, and there are TWO more papers due this week... and an exam.

Right now, school is the bane of my existence. Strike that, it is my only existence. How sad and pathetic. I want it to be over so badly. I think this week might kill me. The. Worst. Week. Ever.

'Cause I'm a Toys 'R Us Kid...

I'm really enjoying the fact that I am not at a point where I have to make any grown-up decisions. Today in interpersonal we had a discussion about whether or not it is right/traditionally okay for a woman to want to keep her maiden name, or hyphenate her name when she gets married. A lot of really good points of view were shared, and it got me thinking and I decided what I would do if I ever got into an engagement situation.... I'm lying, I have no freaking clue what I would do.

That's why I love the way my life is right now... I don't have the power, or really the opportunity to make grown up decisions and I really like that. Of the four of my best friends from high school, one is married and one is engaged. One lives with her boyfriend, and the other is just like me--we get bored with the same guy and never want to grow up...plus school dominates our lives, and we love it that way. So, let's just say that with that, plus my two close friends from HU who are engaged, I'm feeling a little behind in life. I love it though. Call me Peter Pan, 'cause I don't feel like I ever want to grow up.

Ten Reasons I need R.E.M. in my life

So, I must say I'm not their biggest fan, but I do hold a deep respect for this band. Here's why.

-1- It makes my relationship with my dad so much better.
In 1994, my dad bought "Automatic for the People" and has since then ceased to play anything else but R.E.M. Sometimes it is annoying... well, maybe all the time. But we always have something to talk about now, and we've stopped fighting over what to play in the car. He always wins, there's no use in fighting anymore.

-2- I have learned what the crap it stands for.
I've finally learned R.E.M. stands for rapid eye movement. Yes, its stupid knowlege, but I like knowing stuff. If there wasn't a band, I may never have googled it for understanding.

-3-Now I can love and enjoy the 'best song ever written.'
Yes, I've decided that Christ Marin from Coldplay might be a douchebag... especially since, in his opinon, Coldplay has topped U2 as the world's greatest rock band... Humble much?--and since he is the person who in fact dubbed "In The Sun" (Michael Stipe's Hurricane Katrina Tribute song) the best song ever written, the label probably doesn't hold much weight. But at least Stipe got Martin to praise someone other than himself, and that, I think, is the true accomplishment her. Plus this is a good song... its on like 3 of my mixed cd's right now.

-4- "Saved!" has been a blessing in my life.
Stipe was one of the producers of this critically-acclaimed (at least, it was acclaimed by me, the only critic who matters in this entry) film that looks at all the ways Christians suck sometimes. I'm sure this film stemmed from Stipes' lifestlye choices that, if he had grown up in a Christian home, would have gotten himself sent of to that place that cures gay kids. Seriously, where is the love? Apparently Stipe doesn't have very much for the church. And sometimes I think we deserve it, just maybe.

-5- They make a lot of funny movies funnier.
Case in point-- "Night at the Roxbury." When Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan get into their little tift, you get really sad. Until "Everybody Hurts" starts to play, and then the situation just gets freakin' hilarious.

-6- Man on the Moon and the late, great Andy K.
Andy Kaufman is my favorite comedian, and he died before I was even born. I got to know this great man because of R.E.M.'s "Man on the Moon" a song that talks about how people don't think Kaufman's really dead, that it is just the greatest of all the great pranks he played on us (Cliff, anyone?). I asked my dad a few questions, and I received a full-blown education. Then the movie came out, appriopriately named for the song, and a lot more people my age got to know the best Elvis impersonator of all time.

-7- I always have something to buy my dad.
From concert tickets, tee shirts, albums, posters, concer dvd's... I can do no wrong on holidays. He's an obsessed man, hungry for more R.E.M, and that hunger must get fed somehow. Luckily, I get all the credit for this.

-8- The make-up tricks.
My sisters and I have never actually practiced any of Michael Stipe's make-up techniques that we see over and over when Dad's watching concerts and music videos, but we love that the option is out there. I don't think that I'll ever be daring enough to go for the red eye shadow like he does, though.

-9- I get to see/listen to even more Chris Caraba.
A few summers ago, MTV2 had this special on called Covers. One of the episodes had Dashboard Confessional covering R.E.M.'s "Automatic For the People." Michael Stipe even came out and sang "Hands Down" with the band... oh so great. It was on over and over for a month, and my dad let us, and sometimes forced us to watch it practically every time it was on. And Chris was pretty, he really was. We even have the blessed event on tape. I have bought the songs off iTunes, too, to add a little variety when I am riding in the car with the old man.

-10- Gosh with the Pacers already.
My dad also happens to be a sports freak. I like 'em too, kind of a lot for a girl actually. The R.E.M. obsession gives us a break from having to watch/read/listen to/discuss sports every second of the day. Now its only every other second. I must say, I'm pretty grateful.


(Editor's Note: The reasons I love R.E.M. are not limited to this list. Ten is just a nice, round number. They really are a pretty awesome band, glad to know them.)

The idiocies of my suitemate

There are too many stories to share in this post, but I really wanted to let you in on the amazing-ness that is my suitemate B. B is what I'm going to call her, but if you know me from scho0l (like anyone EVER reads this) than I guess you know who I'm talking about and you can damn me to hell later, I'm too tired right now.

Sometimes I wonder how B ever got into college. But thenI remember that I go to Huntington. It took me a total of five minutes to fill out my application. I think they would accept my black lab Madeline if they thought she could fit the tuition bill. There really are a lot of idiots that go here.

The first week of school, I realized that B is one of those people who talks as a rule. You know, a small talker. I just don't really enjoy small talk. Forced interaction makes me uncomfortable. Now I'm going to get a little logical with you right now. If the average college student attends the exact same classes on Mon., Wed. and Fri., and another set of classes on Tues. and Thurs., it is quite sensible to assume that a student going to an 8 a.m. class on Mon. is going to that same 8 a.m. class on Wed. You would think... but no, I got asked, "What class do you have this morning?" every day. EVERY DAY for an ENTIRE semester. If I was a morning person, this would not have been a problem, but I'm pretty much the equivalent of a 80 year-old man when I first roll out of bed--contankerous.

Then there's the story of the mousse, the hermit crabs and the Jew. Actually, these are three different stories, but it kind of sounds like a good joke. Too bad this isn't funny, because B is so dumb.

The first week of school, I was doing my hair. Because in that first week you get up in the morning and do your hair, I'm not sure why. But I guess that day I was wearing my hair curly, which means that I put a gallon of product in my hair. B seems pretty interesting in what I'm doing. I look at her and smile a little uncomfortably, and then she begins telling me about the bottle of Dove mousse that she bought. B had never bought mousse before, I guess she just got a hankering to have sticky hair, because that is the only result I ever seem to get when i use it. Anyway, B start relating to me how her mousse only comes out as soupy liquid when she presses the bottle, when in fact she would like it to come out as actual mousse. Now, though I was screaming "YOU ARE SUCH A FREAKING IDIOT!" in my head, I just calmly looked at her and said, "Well, I think the directions on the bottle say to shake it up." Now, the story wouldn't be that good if that is all it was, if she had taken my advice and shook the bottle up. But no, she just put the bottle down and the next morning I heard her complaing to my roomie about the same problem. From then all, during the first month of classes, I snuck into the bathroom and shook up B's bottle of mousse, simply to avoid the inevitable conversation and questioning...

And now the hermit crabs... B's roommate AG received a gift from her boyfriend that consisted of two hermit crabs from Florida. AG got them, and called me into her room to see them. A little while later, I was sitting in my room watching the Gilmore Girls (I don't remember exactly what I was watching, this is just a pretty good guess) when B came in to tell me about the hermit crabs. Since then, they have been the subject of about 100 conversations between me and B. And I promise that I was not the one initiating the crab talk. In fact, with B, its usually always a one-sided conversation. She talks, or drones, and you half listen and nod. Then, last night, she called me into her room again (every time I have to pee, I get pulled in there--I should quit liquids for awhile) and yesterday she was a little frantic. Something smelled in her room, she said, and she wanted me to sniff around and see if one of the crabs were dead. Come to find out, the crabs were alive, and the smell was coming from dirty dishes. *sigh* is the year almost over yet?

And now... my favorite B story. This is not a first-hand account. It was related to me by my roomie, God bless her. Of course, Skeyse was in the bathroom and B pounced on her for some conversation. I'm not quite sure what B was talking about but the conversation led her to talk about high school. "I'm not even sure if my parents knew this," B said gravely. At this point, I'm sure Skeyse was scared to death of what was going to be coming out of this girl's mouth. But she never could have guessed what was coming. "I'm not even sure if my parents knew this, but my principal was a Jew." Yes, she said it like she didn't think God's chosen people could function at that level of education, that all Jews are like the one's from "The Fiddler on the Roof." She's not hateful or racist or anything, she's just ignorant. In the funniest way there is to be ignorant.

I'm only feeling slightly mean for this post. Mostly though, it makes me smile. haha.

Tonight is the first time in a long while where I feel like something might be missing. But what? I guess that is for me to discover and the Lord to lead me to...

I'm ready to stop thinking about myself, caring about my notoriety and reputation in my sphere of influence.When did I turn into the person with a need to feel clever, pretty, funny? I'm sick of worrying about the way I look and feel, and comparing it to the way I've looked and felt in the past. The present is never good enough that way, I'm always looking ahead or behind.

I feel like I've become a judgemental person. Someone who is immune to the people around me who need the most compassion. My empathy for people is gone. Well, I feel very strongly for people suffering in the world, but I ignore my neighbor--someone who I could take the time to love and don't.

I'm sick of college if it means I'm in the middle of my selfish years.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.<> I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. --Romans 7:17-25 (the Message)

I'm in a C.S. Lewis mood... here are some quotes from a pretty terrific man.

You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
C. S. Lewis

With the possible exception of the equator, everything begins somewhere.
C. S. Lewis

What seem our worst prayers may really be, in God's eyes, our best. Those, I mean, which are least supported by devotional feeling. For these may come from a deeper level than feeling. God sometimes seems to speak to us most intimately when he catches us, as it were, off our guard.
C. S. Lewis

We are what we believe we are.
C. S. Lewis

What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step.
C. S. Lewis

This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted.
C. S. Lewis

We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.
C. S. Lewis

The real problem is not why some pious, humble, believing people suffer, but why some do not.
C. S. Lewis

The safest road to hell is the gradual one - the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.
C. S. Lewis

Reason is the natural order of truth; but imagination is the organ of meaning.
C. S. Lewis

Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.
C. S. Lewis


Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.
C. S. Lewis

Miracles do not, in fact, break the laws of nature.
C. S. Lewis

Much of the modern resistance to chastity comes from men's belief that they "own" their bodies - those vast and perilous estates, pulsating with the energy that made the worlds, in which they find themselves without their consent and from which they are ejected at the pleasure of Another!
C. S. Lewis

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
C. S. Lewis

Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours.
C. S. Lewis

The Number ONE out of 1 million reasons I suck as a friend... Casey...

The following conversations are from Myspace, and will work as proof that I SUCK.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Casey
Date: Mar 21, 2006 12:18 PM

Hey SARAH!!!!

It was so awesome to see you this weekend. I havn't seen/ talked to you in so long. I miss it!! I am so glad you will be around all summer... We have got to hang out. A lot has been going on.. It's been a little crazy!!
How's school? Hope it's awesome and fun! I'm sure you are loving it. School's not to bad this last semester.. I have real easy classes, and the only class I am sure to get homework in is Math.. Which stinks but yeah!
So I hope everything is awesome for you! I will talk to you later. Love you,
Your Friend,
Case


And this is how I replied....

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sarah
Date: Apr 4, 2006 6:55 PM

Casey my love,

We are DEFINITELY hanging out this summer. And I want to know what's going on with you. I wish that I could share something from my life, but NOTHING is going on. I live a very boring life. I miss you friend.

Talk to you later,
Sarah



So I felt prett good about myself after I sent that. Then I got this reply...



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Casey
Date: Apr 4, 2006 7:28 PM

HAHA my life has been pretty boring.. lol.. but it's starting to get a lot better.. lol.. When I say that, I mean in the ways it shouldn't be. If you get what I mean. I havn't been to church for almost 2 or 3 months. Havn't even been to the gathering in I dunno how long. I only talk to Brad once in a while.. And for the longest time I didn't even know Mandy was pregnant! I am so out of touch. But I am still loving life. Ever since my grandma died. I've just tried to experiment with things in my life. Things that I am not proud of. I am pretty much falling apart in the Christian sence but having a good time other than that. Ya know. I feel like I can't sulk and and be all dreary cuz I'm slipping away from God, cuz I understand what I am doing, I just keep running away. I am doing everything mispleasing to Him, yet I still know where I am, know who He is, know what He wants, and I am running and I havn't came back yet! lol wow!!!! Bet you didn't expect to get all of this.. If only you knew all the stuff I have done.. I would be glad to talk to you about it, if you are interested.. I used to talk to Brad about all of this, but I just can't anymore I don't know why. I feel like I have disappointed him... I feel like everytime he is at lunch that he looks at me and thinks I'm stuck up and that I've changed. Which I have changed.. And now you will prolly feel the same way after I send this to you! I'm sorry! I'm sorry I am pouring all of this stuff onto you, I just havn't talked to anyone about it in so long, and I need too!!!! I love you and please don't look at this like I'm never coming back cuz I am hoping that I will! I just feel like I need the time live the so called "other" life! I guess you can say... Thanks for reading this long thing! I love you and I will talk to you later.
Case

I should never be allowed around people... I befriend and then abandon.

I think I'm going to like March. It's already better than last month. I really like Kristi's LA. She's a lot of fun. And oh, oh how it hurts to watch.

What is it with the months of Feb.-March? Crap just piles itself on us, that's what.

"I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower, Makes you talk a little lower... "--Counting Crows

I was sitting in church today and I felt this overwhelming sense of sorrow. I started thinking about the victims of the mudslide, and then I was just really sad for no reason. Bill's communion meditation was about having a hope through the sorrow of losing someone, and I got choked up with this sorrow that I couldn't get over. Because I miss Ben and I'm so selfish that I cannot even stand the person I am. I'm jealous and full of opinions that I have no business having opinions about and I can't stop judging people and I am just full of so much anger and frustration and I can never let it out. Because, in case you didn't know, apparently I'm not allowed to be in a bad mood. Or annoyed with someone. Because if you get mad here people want to swoop in and "fix it." But sometimes you just need to be angry. And sad.

And now I feel so guilty for things I've thought and said, and the things I've thought and didn't say. And I feel guiltier because I haven't felt guilty until today, when someone's crap came to my attention. Because I was a completely awful person to this person.

I think that God's mercy becomes the most real when you finally are hit with the reality of what an amazingly lame/self-righteous/selfish/lying/scared/mean-spirited/stupid/SINFUL person you are. When you get hit with the full account the way a stranger off the street would perceive you, and it's so completely wretched you are ashamed.

So I guess I'm writing here because I'm pretty sure no one ever reads it. I'm just pissed off, mostly at myself for being this mad. And tonight I think I realized that I'm jealous of her and that makes me sick to my stomach. Because she was probably lonely forever and never even had very good friends. And now she's thin, and beautiful and really happy with her life and I'm mad at her for not being there for us. When her whole teenage life I felt sorry because all she had was us. And I was off making stupid decisions with stupid boys.

But, all rationality aside for a minute, why am I the third wheel? One talks about the other behind her back, but as soon as she walked in the door she just flung herself on her and didn't let go. And she invited her to her apartment next week and not me. They talked about it over and over, and then they were like, well why aren't you coming Sarah, what do you have going on. And she's going back to work next week and taking off while I'm in Paris so that I get to see her a total of 3 days over break, all of which she'll be talking on her cell phone to him, or mooning over the new video Ipod that she got from him.

Why am I such a wretched person, and why do I feel like Jo March right now? Why do we have to grow up?